"What am I? Some kind of outer space potato?" "For an outer space potato you sure do look good!"

This year I've studied more, played more WoW, eaten less and been more sick than previous years.

My fortunecookie for this year said "Don't be afraid to take that big step". I never thought it would be so right and you know what? It was all worth it. Sure, taking a leave of absense from my job to start studying made me question my sanity, but it was worth it.

My apartment looks like a shithole full of clothes. In five hours it's supposed to be all clean and welcoming. I believe I can do that. At least I hope I can, haha.

I want to write more - I want this to be one of those amazing entries that I remember and look back on with a smile, but I don't have much else to say. I'll tell you this though - I feel happy. I'd forgotten how that felt. I like it!

noodles

Again with the music. You know, I love Cèline Dion and her The Heart Will Go On. It's an amazing song for a lovely movie, but I don't love it at 03:01am on a fucking Wednesday morning!

So... if my neighbour is found burned, tied to a pile - you know, the old-school witch burning-things - then I hope you'll give me an alibi. Thank you. I love you too.

lists

I have so much that I have to do and I have no idea where to start. So I'm gonna make a list and just start from the top there. I think that's a good thing to do. I think more people should do lists. It's make the world a more organised place.
Just imagine if someone's gonna invade a country.

• Get people - check
• Get cars - check
• Get clothes - check
• Get food? (Make them hunt?)
• Give classes on how to behave?
• Proper training?

You can already see that it'll be a complete success!

You smiled! I'm off the hook!

For Nathan:

Granpa Simpson:

The Swedish are coming!

The Swedish are coming!

They got lingonberries!

swamp

Andie MacDowell has brown hair. I don't think anyone would doubt that fact. Seeing her in endless commercials for hair colour - all brown, of course - is a bit annoying. Yes, we get it. It covers grey hairs. Yes, we get it - it makes your hair shiny. We get it. Seriously. But when your hair is dry and dead - chop it off for heaven's sake. It can't be fixed. CHOP IT!

I'm gonna get the visit from the small-town-band soon. I think they'll bring lots of red baloons. Why? I cry for nothing. I cried at least three times yesterday during Avatar and two times today during some tv-show. My stomach hurts every now and then (although that might be the lack of food) and I really, really hope it doesn't hit me for New Year's Eve. Although with my luck it probably will.

A dubbed version of Over the Hedge? Sure why not.

I see you...

AVATAR

...wow...

soulshine

You feel bad, let me tell you, we all get the blues

Sometimes life is a burden, weighed down in your shoes

When it's bad, worse, worst

(And when you're feeling so bad)

And you think you're cursed

(And you've got it sad)

Well, if there's one thing for the better that can turn you loose

I'm gonna see Avatar today with my sister. It'll be first movie she sees in 3D and the third one I see. Of course, it'll be the first one for me that's filmed entirely with a 3D-camera. Or something. I know it's supposed to be really different and I also know it's supposed to be an experience quite above the ordinary.
So I decided I should dress accordingly. To me at the moment - that means jeans. I haven't worn jeans in what feels like ages so I figured that a pair together with a nice red sweater and a pair of boots would make me feel on top of the day. God knows I need that right now. Sadly my jeans doesn't fit me. The jeans I bought about two months ago that were so tight they annoyed me are now loose. And of course I can't find my other jeans which I put to the side because they were too tight so now I'm wearing a skirt. Like usual. A short green one - at least I haven't worn it recently - together with purple socks my family gave me for Christmas and a beige t-shirt with frilly arms. Like usual. In fact, it's so usual that I doubt any of my friends can see a pair of knee-high socks and not think of me. Suppose this is what happens when you act like an idiot.

melting

I've always wondered how people can have eating disorders. How they can turn away from food like it's something contagious and it'll make them very very sick. Don't they understand that eating will make them feel better?

I've finally realised why they do it. I've known for years, of course, but never been able to understand it. Until now. You see, the first thing that happens to me when I don't feel well - even before I realise it myself - is that I loose my apetite. I sleep very much and I don't really get hungry. This has happened too much lately and it scares me. I don't want to be one of those people. I want to enjoy every meal like I used to. I want to be able to look forward to dinner and the smell and taste of food. But it's so hard when I can't feel the hunger, so now I'm forcing myself. You see, if I feel bad and don't eat then I'll feel bad because I don't eat so if I force myself to eat I might feel better. It's worth a try, right? I've already lost too much weight as it is, I think.

Stone cold.

It's a hard thing to say goodbye to your friends. It's hard to be away from good friends for a longer period of time. Imagine saying goodbye and knowing that it's final. The end.

That's what happened to me with H&H. It's over. They make me the bad one and that's kinda hurtful, but I suppose I can take it. If someone has to be strong enough it usually ends up being me. The really sucky thing is that we planned to see Rammstein in February next year - Rammstein was our thing. Now I'll attend that concert alone while they go together. That'll be fun.

white world

It's not snowing anymore. I suppose that four days more or less non-stop was enough. Now everyone here keep their fingers crossed and hope for the snow to stay until Christmas Eve. I doubt it will - here, we have this thing about having snow the day before and the day after Christmas Eve. For some reason it always melts away for the one day when it truly matters. Although, to be completely honest, I'm hoping aswell. I know I shouldn't - everything inside me tell me not to, but I still do.

optimism

- They've taken everything, Sir.

- Smithers, I don't believe in suicide...

but if you'd like to try it, it might cheer me up to watch.

fluffy

My world is white and cold and full of snow. I love it! Few things make me so childishly happy as the first snow. Even though I know it'll never last it still makes me happy. For a few hours the world looks different. It's really nice.

It's one week left for Christmas Eve. How did that happen?

drift away

This morning (well afternoon really) I felt the smell of hot chocolate. It was so clear I could feel the taste. I don't drink hot chocolate very often - probably not even once a year.
When I got out of the shower just now I felt the smell of pepper. Also really clearly. I don't like pepper and very rarely use it in my food so this feels a bit odd.

Why is there a cut on the left side of my stomach?

spam

My hair is getting really long again and for some reason that I'm not completely sure of I don't wanna cut it just yet. Every time I do I actually cry a bit because I can't do all those wonderful hairdos that you can with long hair. Stupid really since all I do is putting it up so it gets away from my face.

My brain keeps me awake at night. It's very annoying and once I actually fall asleep I dream, which, in my case, means I don't sleep very well at all.

I wonder if Robert Pattinson's path will ever cross mine. For him I'd make an exception to my age-rule.

Fire and Ice.

Some say the world will end in fire,

some say in ice.

From what I've tasted of desire

I hold with those who favor fire.

But if it had to perish twice,

I think I know enough of hate

to say that for destruction ice

is also great

and would suffice.

/Robert Frost

vive le vent

Wow! Five days without any form of spam what so ever. That's gotta be a record.

I've played way to much WoW lately and it's affecting my sleep. That's why I, even though I'm tired as hell, think it's a good idea to get up at 8:30am, visit my parents, do some grocery shopping and now take a shower in the dark. Yes, in the dark. Both the lights have gone out and one has some really weird kind of lightbulbs in it. No idea what the other one has because I can't unscrew it. I've never taken a shower in the dark. Who knows? It might be fun.

invisible

I think I've found that lost Christmas spirit now. I say "think" because I'm not completely sure. I look around and I see the Advent candlesticks (that sounds so wrong) in the windows and my completed Christmastree. It's very nice - the dim lights are incredibly relaxing - but my walls are bare. I suppose that one is orange does make it a little less sad, but that doesn't change the fact that they're completely naked. You know what the worst part here is? I bought some stuff to put up last year, but I still haven't gotten around to it. Jeez...

Do you remember when I told you about how amazing it is to find a book you can just disappear into? Time stops mattering and whenever you don't read, you find yourself constantly wondering when you can continue the reading? I always read something. If my friends got asked what my addiction is they would say World of Warcraft without a doubt, but they'd all be wrong. The only thing I'm truly addicted to at the moment are books. It's a 25-year old lovestory. (Fine, 21 years.) If I don't have anything at home to read - or more correctly, if I feel that I don't have anything to read I become incredibly restless. I'm sort of there now so I'm re-reading the Twilight-saga. They're not the best books I've ever read, nor are they the most well-written - I've found plenty of mistakes to get annoyed (of course - all I need is one) - but the story is so... alive. It's so captivating and it really is possible to disappear entirely into that world. Some day I hope someone will say the same about me.

Mon beau sapin, roi des fôrets...

o->-< <--- me

. <--- my life

( ) <--- nutshell

( o->-< . ) <--- me and my life in a nutshell

My lasagna doesn't really look like it's supposed to. It's quite funny actually - I take the most idiotproof dish there is - I mean, you get a box of spices and the pasta-thingies and instructions on the back. Of course... This time I took vegetarian quorn instead of meat (I know, I'm as close to a vegetarian you can come without actually being one) and maybe the sauce didn't exactly cover all the pasta-thingies and maybe the glassbowl I used was a bit small... Oh well, if it tastes good I won't complain! If it tastes good...

My Christmastree is up now and since I am the wonderful, adorable and oh-so-friendly person that I am I figured I'd invite you into my head so you can share the joy I had of getting it up.

Oh shit, I hope there are no spiders in the box. [I have a fake tree.] Is this the bottom? It's bigger than the others. How many are there? Oh, three. This has to be the bottom. What's this? Plastic? Huh? OH! The stand. Well, that makes sense. So if I just put this plasticpiece into this plasticpiece it should... yep. [I feel incredibly proud of myself for being able to locate the stand and move on to the tree.] Big part, big part... Oh there it is. And it fits. Yay! Smaller part... Is this the right one? Or is it this one? No, it has to be this one, it's much bigger. Why are there screws here? Think, Anna, think. Ah, to steady the tree in the foot. Hard little buggers to screw in. There, steady. Deep breaths and move on to the branches. Were they this tight last year aswell? Maybe if I push them apart...? Oh shit - did I break it?! Nah, it seems fine. That is one good-looking Christmastree. [I have to tell myself this even though I know it looks so fake not even a dog would want to pee on it.] What's next? Christmaslights... You enemy from Hell! Well, these seem to be in order. Hrm, how am I gonna do this? Randomly or mathematical? Remember when you've tried random? [I usually got really pissed, messed up all the lights and left them for my dad to deal with.] Ah yea... mathematical it is. Hrm, there are eight levels and 16 candles. That makes two on each level. That outta work. If this one goes here then that one goes there... Oh well, it's almost perfect anyway. Oh, and every bulb works. This just keeps on getting better and better. Now what? The glitter garland. Why did I buy three boxes of that? Haha, I really went crazy last year. If I start from the top and go around and down... Oh, I really did need three boxes. Jeez. Time for the Christmastree balls. Oh my god, how many boxes did I buy? FOUR?! Oh well, I suppose the tree is like me then - glorious and just a tad too much. If a silver one goes here, then a red one goes there...
Wow, it's done. Spire-time! [Since I can't reach the top of the tree I have to stand on my bed.] It's sitting askew. Maybe if I stretch... I really hope I don't fall over the whole damned tree now. There. Perfect!

Time to taste the lasagna. This should be fun...

Santa Claus is coming to town - Futurama version:

He knows when you are sleeping

He knows when you're on the can,

He'll hunt you down and blast your ass

From here to Pakistan

You better not breathe,

You better not move,

You're better off dead

I'm telling you dude

Santa Claus is gunning you down

goldylocks

My sleep is ruined. I used to be one of those people who go to bed and fall asleep within five minutes of doing so and just lie there like they're dead. Now I twist and turn for hours before I fall into some kind of strange dream-thing that doesn't really relax me at all. It sucks.

It's Christmas-time again. I've had my Christmas decorations down all year, but I haven't put anything up yet. I don't feel the spirit right now - of course, that might have something to do with the fact that it's grey and raining all the freaking time here.

I have three plants here. You see, at times I feel very lonely and I'd love to get a dog, but since I can't even care for myself properly I don't wanna put a dog through something I might not be able to follow through - so I got plants instead. I've had them for quite a long time now - one over a year - and they're still alive and doing well. Yes, we are all very surprised by this fact. Happy, of course, but still surprised. My trick is to have a bottle of water standing close to one of the plants. I don't water them every day but every now and then I see the bottle and remember that "oh yea, water the plants". It's working really well (obviously).

Do you ever find yourself needing a bunch of stuff but not really having the energy to actually get it? I'm sort of there now. Oh well, time to move and go buy some cream!

Secret Identity

My voice is still ruined. I can talk, but I find myself coughing a lot and going hoarse very fast so I try to stay silent. It's harder than you'd think when living alone.

I'm not a fan of spiders. They've never actually done me anything to hate or fear them, but I just don't like the look of them. It might be something with the legs, I don't really know. So to go spider-hunting at 3:30am isn't really my favourite thing to do. You see, I saw a spider sitting quietly and enjoying my ceiling. Being me I took one of my flip-flop shoes and sort of threw it up at the spider. I know, but I can't reach and I can't pull out my vacuumcleaner and suck the bastard up at this hour. I don't think the spider died though, and I'm fairly sure my shoe didn't smash it so now there's a spider on the loose. Am I afraid? Yes. Am I terrified? Maybe. Do I believe that the spider is gonna lay an egg in my ear and that I'll give birth to baby-spiders in nine months? No, I do not.

Oh, and if you ever wonder why don't sleep at this hour - now you know. I am a secret spider-hunter!

The rest is silence.

I can't speak. Or well, I can but my voice disappears if I try to speak a lot. It's rather annoying since I like to talk. Or sing. Or yell. Now I don't do any of those things - not singing along to the music in a movie or shouting with the song I'm listening to. Of course, I know that's it's better for my throat to stay silent and rest it... but I wanna talk! And sing! And shout!

napalm

This night I was sure that I was coughing up blood. I didn't check though. It was just that one specific... cough-session that felt... terrifying.
That really is the worst thing about coughing - it ruins your sleep. I mean, when you're awake it's a minor disturbance, but when you're sleeping it wakes you up and forces you to focus.

I got dizzy when I walked out into my kitchen just now. Not very dizzy, but enough to make me grab the fridge to stay up. Although my apetite is back so I suppose I'm getting a lot better.

elements

The fever is gone now. The fire and ice aren't bugging me.

My exam is tomorrow. I'm gonna fail. Fail because I simply haven't studied enough. I can blame being sick, but that still isn't an excuse. I should know it. I should care.

The cough is still with me. It's there to get rid of slime, but there's no slime to destroy. It's a dry cough and it hurts my throat. A deep breath triggers it so I don't take any.

Failure... it's not the end of the world. Why does it feel like that?

faint

My skin is on fire. When I woke up this morning - about four hours ago - it was like being burnt. The only relief was my cold hands on my warm face. It was only the skin that was burning though - my blood felt like ice. Goosebumps all over my body and even though I got a second winter-cover it didn't stop. I drifted in and out of consciousness and when I woke up the second time I realised what people mean with "feverish dreams". I remember calling my best friend to tell her that the buildings outside my apartment was rushing past my window. I remember telling her that I was now sitting down on my couch because I wouldn't be able to stand up without fainting. And I remember her telling me that she couldn't understand a word I was saying. I repeated and once again I got the same answer. I found that I had trouble making the words come out the way they should so I told her I'd write her over msn instead. This didn't happen. It was a dream, an illusion, but it seemed real enough. As did the dream with me, her and another one of our friends, being caught in a cage with a giant dinosaur waiting for us outside. Why anyone would have a dinosaur in their apartment didn't really occur to me at that time. In a few hours I probably won't even be sure if I wrote this or not.
My skin is ice now, but my blood is fire. My hands are warm and I still have goosebumps. It took me quite a lot of strength to actually move and do all those mundane things - going to the loo, getting something to eat and drink and actually move. When I made my tea I sat down on my kitchen floor - just because if I had gone back to the couch and the covers I would probably have fallen into unconsciousness again. Do you know what the worst part here is though? I got a test on Thursday and I really need to study, but it's a bit hard to focus when you want to stand in fire and throw yourself into an icebath. A friend of mine would tell me not to worry, that I should just focus on getting better and that I'll have plenty of time to worry after since I will anyway. He'd probably be right. Not that there's much time to worry when my blood and skin constantly switch sides.

delusional

I've got a fever. Or "running a temperature" if you prefer that one. (Personally I don't really get the difference, but I'm sure someone will explain it to me soon enough.)
It started yesterday evening with me coughing and being really REALLY cold and then my hands got numb (I wasn't really too surprised - they do that from time to time due to bad blood circulation). When I went to sleep I was practically shaking below my cover. And my cover's one of those really thick, wintry ones. At then I was sure it was just because I was really tired - you know how it is, right? The body goes into energy-saving-mode and you just wanna sleep. (Why didn't I? Oh well, World of Warcraft was way too much fun at that point.) Anyway... when I woke up this morning my whole body was in pain - I wasn't cold anymore though so I went on to think that "h o o r a y ! I got a cold coming". It's a bit weird though, because in my case it's always tickling in the throat ---> sneezing ---> headaches, bodypain, tired for no reason---> having to blow my nose ---> coughing. So this morning I got the tip to check my temperature - at times like these I'm so glad I've stocked up so I have a mini-pharmacy at home. (No fever at that point though.) My headache got worse and worse so I decided to go to bed and try and sleep it off. (That's what I do - no pills, sleep it off. Yes, it's stupid.) It didn't work, I woke up about 15 minutes ago, full of feverish dreams and decided to take that darn pill. I gulped it down with water. That's when I realised that I had a fever anyway. The water tasted sweet. Sickly sweet, like a disgusting juice. Once again I grabbed my thermometer and checked and yes, I have a fever. I don't think I've had a fever in at least ten years. Might've been more - might've been a bit less. Wow... My biggest problem now is that I don't have stuff at home to do pancakes (I always want that when I feel like shit and don't eat) - but the applejuice next to me is really nice.

"I saw a star fall. It was me."

Every now and then I find myself feeling very nostalgic. Like tonight, when I walked home from the bus and gazed up at the sky only to find it covered with stars. I haven't seen the stars in a long time and actually really looked at them. It reminded me of when me and my best friend used to run two or three times every week. We usually ran a few kilometres down to the beach, went out on one of the jetties, lied down and just listened to the sound of the waves clucking against the stoneshore. It's very relaxing to watch the stars while you're hearing that and occasionally we saw a star fall. I miss that. The whole experience of it. The talking, the clucking, the stars... A part of me even misses the running even though god knows I'm not made to run.

bear with me on this one

My right bigtoe has freckles. Can a toe have freckles? There's a part of me that tells me "no, it's just the hairsacks", but I'm not really convinced. It does look an awful lot like freckles to me.

It was sunny outside when I woke up this morning. I didn't really believe it at first - I haven't seen the sun here properly for at least three weeks. It's strange how fast you seem to forget what a cloudfree sky looks like. I can't get enough of the view.

"A pause to increase efficiency." That's what one of my class-mates in high school told our teacher when he was taking a day off. I found it really weird back then, but now I use it myself quite a lot. The word, I mean. Although it sounds much more fun in Swedish; "effektivitetspaus". So today I decided to take one - I'm breaking a deal I made with a friend of mine, but that's something I have to live with.
So why take a "pause"? Well, I kinda got an idea for that fantasybook. I'm not actually sure it'll work or not, but I have to find out and since it's driving me crazy I figured I'd think while I study. I know, this doesn't really make sense, but oh well.

rush

I used to think I was drowning

without any will to stay up

It's hard when you only see darkness

and the first ray of sun does no good

I'm trying real hard to be happy

and see the good things in life

like a breeze or a freshly sprung flower

or that one lonely star late at night

But it's hard to go on pretending

that you're always feeling alright

and keep on smiling to people

when your eyes are looking away

So give in to all those emotions

just don't bottle them up

'cause you'll end up dying in silence

and before you know it's too late

Open up for your feelings

feel them take over

and if you feel like you're drowning

fight and keep swimming

and learn to welcome the day

circusfreak

Present:
I'm gonna do something that I almost never do. Write two completely different entries in one - usually I just write to different entries, but I won't this time. I don't know why, but they just need to be together even if they're not.

I can braid my hair. That's not really good - it means it's gotten too long again. Why does this always happen in the winter?

Past:

Februarty 18th 2008

Since I can't speak without starting to cry, I thought I should write it down in a mail. It's against every rule in every woman's magazine there is, but I don't care. If I can't tell you, then you'll never know, right?

I love you more than I have ever loved anyone ever before. This feeling of warmth and safety and happiness still overwhelmes me at times with its intensity. It's just that the distance between us makes me miss you so much more and it makes it so much harder to show you how much I love you.

I know you love me too, and I know you miss me too. I really do. But we don't speak as much as we used to and then my stupid thoughts get into the head... "he doesn't love you anymore", "he doesn't want to spend time with you", "you're an idiot because you can't see the hints". I fear this more than anything, but in a way it's still better to know than walking around and wondering what I'm doing wrong.

I just had to get this out of my head - it keeps going around in a loop in there. I love you very much and I want to spend my life with you - wake up next to you, comfort you when you're sad, share your happiness. If I have to wait ten years for that to happen, I will. That's how much I love you.

And if this scares you away then I'm sorry - but it's still nice to have it said. :-)

A nice, honest e-mail sent to the person who broke me. This is what I got back:

I have read your mail several times now to make sure that i understood everything correct...

First of all, you haven't done ANYTHING wrong, absolutely nothing !!!! I know i have been taking more distance from you the last few weeks but i sometimes just HAVE to :( In the months that have passed since november you have been littlerly in my head every second i was awake ! And how ever wonderfull that is (and it is !!!!) for me that isnt something that i can keep up. Not because i dont love you anymore, because i do, but because my life here has been standing still ever since we met. Going to work was a waist of time ever since msn got blocked here, playing badminton was a waist of time because i couldnt be with you online if i did that, going out in the weekend with friends was a waist of time because we couldnt play together if i did, ... All i ever did was think about you and finding ways to be with you, to hear you or to see you... at any cost !! That just wasnt healthy Anna :((

I know you are full of doubts at the moment and i know you feel depressed, and i am very sorry i make you feel like this :( I have promised you once that i would ALWAYS be honest with you and i still stand by that ! The feelings i have for you are NOT gone !! I just try to control them better... The feeling of loosing every control of your own feelings and emotions has both been amazing but scary too. I am not used to that.

Another reason why i have been acting weird lately is because i dont feel very euh... happy lately myself and i didnt want to take that out on you since it has nothing to do with you. Soo much has happened in my life over the last year and when i reflect on that i get depressed. I have been struggling with this for a longer time but it comes and goes (and now is definitely a commer :)) I know that it will be better in a while, it always does, but i can tell you i'm not the nicest company when i feel down.

After Berlin i have been feeling physically sick of missing you... I basically stopped living for a week and just felt this hurt in my stomach and this missing feeling in my heart. It was then that i realized i had to do something... And it's that fear that i still have when we talk about meeting again. I want to see you, because everytime we meet its amazing!! But i dont want this empty feeling i have afterwards...

Anna, i really want to make this very clear : I still love you !! I still think about you and miss you a lot. But i cant let those feelings control EVERYTHING i do, i just cant ! It makes me feel insecure and totally dependant on you and i am scared to death of loosing control :(

I will call you later today

Big kiss

So why am I putting this here? Well, mostly because I want to show myself that I wasn't a naïve, stupid moron and for once I can actually read this without feeling sad for the girl who felt numb and dead. It feels good.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Present:

American Psycho is really a psycho-movie. Apparently Christian Bale got the inspiration for his character from Tom Cruise's real persona - I can totally see that. After having seen Tom Cruise jump up and down on Oprah Winfrey's couch (who hasn't?) I can absolutely see the insanity that lives within his skull. Christian Bale is still hot though and those nude-scenes really is a proper pick-me-up on a gloomy day lick this - yum! (I know, I'm so easily satisfied.) By the way - if you haven't seen American Psycho yet, I really suggest that you do. I almost dare to promise you that it'll make you feel normal!

Twilight is not the best movie in the world. The plot is easy enough - girl meets boy and falls in love. Cute, innocent and adorable. Robert Pattinson though... This normally goes against my principles - younger guys are off limit - but I'm so making an exception for him. In my defence - I did have a crush on him before I saw him in Twilight - he's cute in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire aswell. Anyway, this - let's just call it "love" to make it easy - love for him has made me watch Twilight four times since last Friday. Three of those were the day before yesterday and yesterday. I think I'm sick. GOD, it feels good!

(I also bought the first book on Tuesday this week, bought the second one yesterday as a precaution and finished the first one yesterday. I spent four hours reading it and still - it's not that great. I suppose that's the reason it's so captivating - that it's not written to be extraordinary.)

the correct form of spam

Everything sucks,

so let's get the big bucks.

Let's get away,

from all that is grey.

Let's go somewhere bright,

with just some more light,

and be happy and gay,

if just for one day.

That unpublished fantasy novel is trying so hard to get out of my brain and onto a piece of paper, and yet I can't reach it. I have a million ideas for books, but not a single one of them is related to fantasy. I can get out a bunch of silly poems, but not the things I want. God, it's annoying!

I'll scream and shout,

and let it all out,

and you'll hear it there,

and maybe that's fair,

since you really did make me pout.

wake up, honey

Failure hurts. It's painful, horrifying and the ultimate proof that I'm not as good as I thought I was. I don't see myself as a person who fails. I'm perfect. I can't fail.

Success is never final.

Failure is never fatal.

It is courage that counts.

/Winston Churchill

Time to do this. Time to pull myself together and show myself that I am flawless yet again. That everything I do oozes perfection. Time to make it happen for real.

Burn baby, burn!

I am amazing with words. I really am. It's a gift someone in the creational process felt that I deserved. Unfortunately sometimes I tend to use the words against myself. Like when I make up excuses not to do things. I'm really good with those too. That's not a gift though, that's a curse and once you start it's very hard to stop. "I don't want to" becomes "I don't have to because I can do it this way instead" and once you start believing that you actually can, you'll have major problems going back.
I've had a motivational problem for quite some time now and I've been telling myself that I don't have to go to the lectures because I can just read the same thing out of the book. The thing here isn't that I can't do that - because I actually can - it's that I don't do it. Between you and me I actually didn't have an idea about why until just a few hours ago. Winter depression. I get that every year and it starts when it begins to get dark early. I can't believe I didn't recognise the signs - suppose it came too gradually (usually it just hits me in the face). So now that I know why I feel like shit for no reason I'm gonna treat it like I always do - trying to get as much out of the day as possible and enjoying the darkness with tea and candles and such. You see, my problem with the winter isn't that it's cold, it's that I get very tired as soon as it gets dark outside. (And yes, that was another excuse for being lazy and lacking self-discipline.) More light to the people!

/Anna: your torch in the cave

Ps: "Protective hand salve" (or however that's spelled) is "skyddande handsalva" in Swedish and "suojaava käsisalva" in Finnish. How can Finland be a part of the Northern countries? That's just really silly.

zombie

Okay, I can't do all-nighters anymore. I went to sleep at 7am and woke up 20 minutes ago. Again. Once again I've fucked up a whole day. If anyone has some self-discipline then please send it my way. I really think I could use it because apparently - I don't have any!

"Nothing more to say"

I went up at 4pm yesterday and since that sort of screwed up my normal rhytm I'm taking an "all-nighter" to get back on track. This means I'm not sleeping until tonight and it also means that I'm actually ruining my body - I can feel itself shutting down. Ah, so many memories from when I worked nightshifts. How I do not miss it.

Hrm, nothing more to write... how useless.

A tribute to the arts.

I gotta feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night

That tonight's gonna be a good night

That tonight's gonna be a good, good night

There are some things that really are better to watch on TV than in real life. Football and curling are some. I can't even count how many times I've watched curling and I don't even like it. You just get sucked in and then you can't stop watching, because somewhere deep down inside you just wished that you had something you were that good at.

Tonight's the night, let's live it up

I got my money, let's spend it up

Go out and smash it like oh my God

Jump off that sofa, let's get, get off

This weekend I watched a match of darts. You know those things you throw at a big round circle with red and white and black and numbers? We had one of those at home when I was a kid, but mostly we just threw the arrows at it, hoping to hit the middle. These days me and my best friend throw some sort of "clock" when we're out and bored. 1, 2 and then 3 and 4 and so on. The loser buys the winner a drink. It's not really complicated and late on a Friday or Saturday night one can't really expect too much, but it is a danger to anyone close to the dartsboard so we usually warn people before we start. Real darts however... that's something completely different. Not only are these guys really good (as in really, really good), but there's nothing at all involving any kind of clock and the "bullseye" won't give you the best score possible. Each team starts with 501 points and then it's about getting rid of as many points as possible as fast as possible. (Or well, at least before the other team.) There are four regular players on a team and I think each team has a back-up, but I'm not really sure. Each game consists of sets - six sets for every setup used once or twice depending on setup. The setups are 1v1, 2v2 and 4v4 and I'm not completely clear over how that worked - who does what - but at least they seemed to be and I suppose that's all that matters. It wasn't the most fun I've ever done in my life - I prefer to do things rather than to watch others do them - but it was interesting. To get a grip of something that's always just been a board with some cloth on it and arrows that are supposed to hit the middle was fun.

Fill up my cup, mozoltov

Look at her dancing, just take it off

Let's paint the town, we'll shut it down

Let's burn the roof, and then we'll do it again

When I flew down to the Netherlands I had a really pleasant flight. I arrived just in time for the boarding (so fine, I could've been there a bit earlier, but as least I made it) and the guy sitting next to me on the plane was quite nice so the start was rather pleasant. Not that it's unpleasant usually, but this time it wasn't dull.
I was hoping that my flight home would be the same. It's a shame that this world isn't built on my hopes and dreams. My plane was delayed and so was everybody else's. Apparently it gets that way if another airport in the country is closed and the traffic has to be redirected. In this case it was Rotterdam Airport and all the planes had to go to and from Schiphol (it's confirmed - none-Dutchies say [shiphol] instead of [skip'ol]) which lead to a huge delay for everyone. I flew with Norweigan Airlines and even though I know that this is hardly their fault, it's still the second time I've flewn with them and the second time I've been delayed. It was hard to find something positive there, but I managed - you see, most of the people in the Netherlands are taller than 170cm. Being 164,5cm I'm considered short and after this weekend - I understand that. Anyway, at the airport there were people from Spain and Italy and I'm taller than a lot of these people and if their planes hadn't been delayed I would just have felt like a midget in a world of giants. It still wasn't fun to have a two-hour-delay, but oh well.

I gotta feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night

That tonight's gonna be a good night

That tonight's gonna be a good, good night

"We'll always have Paris."

My sister got dumped by her boyfriend. They got together when I got together with my boyfriend and that was five years ago. I got dumped after three months (you've all heard the story), but these guys... Nothing could tear them apart. It was rather annoying actually, but my sister was happy so I tried to be happy for her. (I wasn't always, but I tried to.) A few years ago they got an apartment and moved in together. The apartment was ugly as shit and no matter how many times you call brown "coffee latte" it's still the same colour as the stuff you squeeze out at the loo. A year or so later they moved and their new apartment had all the potential in the world, but mostly just looked like a mess. When I went there I couldn't see my sister anywhere except in the overfull closet. Weird, isn't it?
Anyway, now he's dumped her and she doesn't seem too upset so I suppose it's a good thing. However... he wouldn't let her in to get her stuff. He threatened my mother when she went to get the key to the apartment and yesterday when my sister, once again, tried to get her things, she found them just inside the entrance door to the apartment complex. Are all of her things there? No. Will he let her in to get the rest? Probably not. Am I telling my family to bring a police officer? Yes.

So why am I telling you all this? Well, I have to get it out of my system. You see, there are quite a few people in this world that I'm willing to die for - if you've ever wondered why I don't have many friends this is the reason, sacrificing your life for half the population would be a bit annoying (mostly since I really like my life). When people hurt my friends I tend to get a bit angry (even if the hurting one is myself). There is, however, one person I'd do anything in the world for and that person is my sister. If I had to spend several years in jail because something happened to her ex-boyfriend then I would do it. So that's the reason I'm sharing with you - to stop myself from doing something stupid.

I'm going to the Netherlands tomorrow. At the moment I don't really look forward to it. Then again - at the moment I don't really look forward to anything. I'm sure it'll be better once I've eaten, taken a shower, done my laundry, cleaned up a bit, studied for a while and then fixed my sink. After all, I really do love airports, I'm really fond of the Netherlands and I know I'll have a great time.

"I guess size does matter after all."

I just woke up. Or well - 20 minutes ago. At 14:46pm. This isn't good, I have to stop fucking up my body like this and I really hate sleeping.

"Another year - gone!"

/Albus Dumbledore

25... I don't really feel different. I don't feel older, smarter, better-looking... I just feel like me. Maybe that's a good thing. I suppose I ought to be a bit scared if I woke up and found myself looking at a face in the mirror that I didn't know.

You know, every year I do this. A list of my failures during the year - the things I didn't accomplish this year either. I'm not gonna do that now - there's no need to depress myself. Instead I'm gonna go the other way - found out what I want to do for a living, left my job to start studies and that's about it. Wow... my life suc... is rather interesting!

How many times can one person put the word "make-up" in a sentence?

What about friendship
What about friends
You said the whole world
was against you
And it all had to end

I don't use make-up, so the strangest thing about tonight's masquerade wasn't to be someone different - it was to wear make-up. I'm not made for make-up, I look like a complete alien - but I suppose that next to a baby, an alien and a santa I didn't look too weird. Of course, I'm not really sure what I actually was, but my fake bruises did the trick (several times I found myself thinking "Oh SHIT! What'd I do there?!"). It's a shame I kinda forgot to invite one of my friends, but since I'll probably meet him tomorrow I hope he doesn't mind. I'm such a horrible friend, haha.

What about love

What about family

What about all that

You have to live for

anger management

Don't close your eyes

They may not open

What if they open

Would you be alive

I'm having lots of doubt with my education, although I seem to forget all that when there's something I find very interesting so I suppose it's just this course that bores me. Or maybe it's all that fucking groupwork we have to do. I really really hate other people's opinions. Don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware of the fact that other people are entitled to their right to an opinion, but aren't I entitled to my right to not have to hear it? Anyway, it'll be over soon, or at least - this course will be. Next stop - global economics! Hopefully that'll give me more than service manament and "smile to the customers".

Everyone falls

But not everyone rises

Why don't you get up

And rise again for me

Bad thing: having to meet people, who don't understand the value of communicating over the Internet, three hours before we have to meet.
Good thing: if I got attacked by a rapist I'd have enough rage in me to send him to the emergency room with several broken bodyparts.

What if the world

were a little more perfect

just stop crying or

would you take the leap

What if the world

were a little more perfect

Would you open your eyes

and blink again for me

confusion

I dreamt that I was a part of Swedish Top Model. My first photoshoot was horrible, but I got to go on another week, and then my dream drifted into something completely different as dreams often do. I have no idea what that was but all of a sudden someone told me "what are you so angry about - you passed again". My thoughts started spinning and I googled myself. For some reason an old picture from my sister's birthdayparty showed up, we're talking really old - like when she was three or something, and then the text "The friends couldn't for the love of god understand why Anna got to move on in the competition. She's as close to object number one in audience hate as you can come". After that picture and text I wondered what I'd done to be that hated, but then I woke up so I never got to know. So sad...

TURRON!

I have a luxury problem. I call it "luxury" because there are a lot of people in the world who can't sleep and who would give their right arm to be like me. The problem is that when I sleep more than eight or nine hours I get a terrible headache. Like a tension headache. And you know the way to get rid of it? More sleep! I hate sleeping, it's such a waste of a good day. Why whine about this now, then? Well... I kinda woke up 17 minutes ago (3:20pm) and it kinda sucks. I don't have a headache now though, god knows why, but I feel a bit cloudy in my head and I doubt that'll disappear during the evening.

My no-sugar isn't going well. I fell a while ago and I seem to keep falling. Yesterday my craving was insane - I didn't get anything though. I can do this. The sugar doesn't own me, I own the sugar.

It's October 28th 2009 today. That makes it less than one week left for my birthday. How did that happen? Time really slips away too fast. This means that I have 4 days left to do all the things I wanted to have done before I turned 25. Such a shame I can't remember any of them now...

virgin's tears

How does it feel to see someone that you know committed crimes against humanity go free? How does it feel to see that someone return to her homecountry and be cheered for, like a hero?

Biljana Plavsic is free. She served eleven years in a prison here in Sweden and now she can return home and blame the incident on someone else.
You know, I remember this war. It was the first war I was old enough to be affected by and I remember the scenes of people getting lined up - because they had the wrong religion or tradition. I remember reading about how people were forced to kill their pets before they got shot themselves. I remember learning the phrase "etnisk rensning" (ethnic cleansing) and I've never forgotten it. I don't think I ever will.

The release of this old, fragile woman makes me feel sick about being Swedish. I feel ashamed that one of the people who made the war possible got to serve eleven years in a prison, while the ones who lost relatives got a lifetime in sorrow. There aren't really any better words I can say, because every time I try to get them out I get a nasty taste in my mouth.

Don't stop me now!

I'm trying a new thing. It's no surprise that I've been less than fun lately so I figured that a different point-of-view might do the trick. Allow me to demonstrate.

My mobile phone made a noice at 4:30am this morning due to low battery. That's a bad thing. I turned it off and got back to sleep. That's a good thing.
Let me take another.
The weather's quite dull and grey. Boring. On the good side it means that I can sit here without feeling guilty for not being outside and enjoying the sunshine.
You get the point right? Pros and cons? I read somewhere that it takes a lot more energy to be upset than to be happy. So now I'm making a choice. For every con I'm trying to see a pro. It's kinda like the "what-if-principle" I had when I went to high school and I'm not sure if I've ever told anyone about this so I hope you feel damn special! Anyway, I was on top of the world whenever I was at home or at school, but on my way between the two there was always someone popular and beautiful, so I used to think "what if I was her". After thinking this I realised that yes, in my head this girl might be all that, but she probably has issues of her own. She doesn't know the people I do and doesn't have the experiences I have.
Believe it or not, but that actually helped. So every time I feel like shit or wish I was someone else, I just think the counter-what-if. Say I was rich and famous - that'd be a pro and I wouldn't mind it right now, but that'd also mean that people would go through my trash and try to photograph me in my underwear, preferably while I'm at the loo. That'd be a con.

To make this short: positive thoughts. Starting now. Ooo breakfast...

Freedom is an illusion.

I don't like knives. As in really don't like knives. I'm not too fond of my frying-pan either and between you and me - the fact that these two items are rather basic in a kitchen is a bit annoying. But of course you knew that. I think everyone knows it. It's a great ice-breaker at parties you know.

- So what do you do?
- I study at the university.
- Oh, and what do you do when you don't study?
- I hide from my frying-pan.

You have to admit it - if you don't have the attention by then you'll probably never get it.

This wasn't at all what I intended to write when I sat down here, but the mind works in mysterious way I suppose.

Oh my god...

Hallelujah moment: An episode of the Simpsons I've never seen.

Supercalifragilisticexpialadocious!

I fucked up. Quite royally actually. I forgot to introduce myself and I hardly introduced my groupmates. Since I'm such an incredible professional speaker I did, of course, pull myself together and blew everyone away. Not that it's very hard when everyone before you have had an intimate conversation with their scripts.

Maybe I'm just awesome and everyone else morons.

food

To get up in the morning, get dressed and go outside might seem like a good idea. Wearing pantyhoses and a sweater that hardly covers my ass however... Not the best idea I've had in my life, I can tell you that. It would've been wonderful to continue sleeping (as usual when the alarm rings), but since I've noticed that my motivation returns if I actually leave my apartment, I think it's best to just get things done. Besides, today's the day for our "mini-lecture" about internal marketing. So far only one person has tried to speak without reading a script. (She still had the script in her hands though.) They all had powerpoint or overhead-presentations, and they still read from scripts! I think this is horrible - at a university level people should know how to do a proper presentation. Maybe it's just me being very interested, but honestly - if my best friend who hates standing in front of people and talk can do it - so should these people be able to.
I suppose it's good for me since it'll show everyone what a brilliant speaker I am, but since this isn't graded I suppose it doesn't really matter much in terms of comparison. All I can do is make sure that I do my absolute best and that I can be happy with my performance.
I'll let you know the incredibly interesting continuation on this story once I've actually done the crap.

Stand Up For Your Right!

I'm gonna make a stand. I know I do it all the time, but this time it's political. (Usually I stay away from politics, because it's doesn't interest me much if I can't make parallels to event throughout the history.)
The Swedish goverment wants to control how much the Swedish population drink. Apparently "A whole country is drinking itself to death". I like the thought, it's cute that the goverment cares so much for its people that it want to keep them from dying. Of course... this suggestion, made by said goverment, only applies to the amounts of alcohol one is allowed to take into Sweden. You see, Sweden is built by a bunch of hypocrits - do this because we tell you and then we'll do it the other way anyway. To clarify: we have a governmental controlled company that sells alcohol. If any other company sells it, it's a violation against the law.
Now, this suggestion doesn't mention anything about the amount of alcohol one is allowed to purchase at the "System Company". (That's actually the name. Systembolaget = the System Company.) Because if it did, that'd mean less money in governmental pockets and we wouldn't want that now, would we?

I personally think everyone should be able to do and say what they want. If people wanna drink themselves to death - go ahead. It's their lives, not mine. And since alcohol is allowed - I think we should allow drugs aswell. The difference is that alcohol kills slower than drugs, but studies have clearly shown that it kills in the end. So does smoking and that's allowed. Sure, they put up "No Smoking"-signs and sure they have "No Smoking"-sections, but it's still allowed. People will wrinkle their noses at smokers, but they won't call the police because you own a pack of cigarettes.

So who am I to say that the goverment should but out of people's lives? Well, let's just say I've seen what smoking and drinking does to people and restrictions are useless. There are always ways to find what one wants anyway.

like a tiger

There are many things I like with mornings. The sunrise, the fresh, biting cold, the fact that for once I actually get out of bed before noon... Unfortunately none of these things can be compared to crawling deeper down under the cover and disappear into unconsciousness.

I have the first of three mini-lectures today. This means I have to listen to people who think they're important and I have to pretend that I actually care. That's between 9a.m. and 1p.m. Between 1p.m. and 3p.m. I have a lecture - a proper one - and after 3p.m. it's time to gather with the children and fake it 'til I make it. If I'm home before 6p.m. tonight I'll be really happy. I don't know when there'll be time for lunch, but I'd like to see the one who dares to stand in my way if I take time for it.

On the bus to the trainstation my mind wandered to the Netherlands. I thought about how I pronounce the name of the Dutch airport, Schiphol, and how the Dutchies pronounce it. I say "ship'ol" and they say "skip-hol". This isn't really important - it's mostly a matter of getting understood and anyway, this wasn't really my point. After having thought about this and mentally putting myself on an airplane on its way to land, I thought "I wanna go home". Not "home to my apartment" but "home to my country". I think I've mentally moved away already. Quite a funny thought actually.

"This insanity is brought to you by Fishy Joe's! Try our new Extreme Walrus Juice! 100% fresh-squeezed walrus. Ride the walrus!"

I worry about everything. I try not to, but I do. (Between me and you - it's fucking annoying.)

We're suppose to tell the others on our Hotel & Restaurant Management-program about "internal marketing". Take away the fact that this is completely useless because it's just a way for us to do the teachers' jobs, and the fact that it's suppose to be a group presentation. Then add the fact that I, until about an hour ago, had about six rows of a fake powerpoint presentation. I hate groupwork. I don't mind teamwork, but doing a job in a group where "I do this part, and you do that part and we don't read each other's parts and then we'll be all surprised when we're saying the same thing, oh my god!" is just stupid. Anyway, I went to sleep and then I started thinking. Just thinking about internal marketing and what it means to me and how to actually make it work. The more I thought about it, the more I could see my presentation taking form - now I have about one computer written page in size 16, which of course isn't all that much, but compared to six rows it's a darn good job! I'm repeating myself a bit in there though, but I think I can make it - after all, repeating stuff is what makes it stick in the head.

I'd really love to write a fantasy story. An epic tale of horrors and adventures and mysteries. The only problem is that I don't really possess the kind of fantasy such a work would require. I'm so happy in this world that I can't come up with another that's completely different. It annoys me. I should, with my insane brain and sick imagination, be able to come up with the most wondrous tales, but no. Until this change, and I get the Nobel Prize for first fantasy writer ever, you'll just have to live with this kind of writing. It's not much, but I hope it can at least put a smile on your face when you feel shitty. I know it does on mine to write it.

wallflower

I don't remember what it feels like to be really sad. You know that feeling of pain that threatens to rip you into pieces? I don't remember that. I can't recall what it's like to spend every moment wondering how people can smile when the world is falling apart around them. I suppose that's a good thing. It means that I've moved on from... well, there's always something to move on from. At the moment I'm just feeling bored. And un-interested. And annoyed. And tired...

I know that any effort I make is worth it in the end. I know it. But right now I don't believe it. I don't know, maybe it's just one of those days when everything seems like the world's biggest uphill climb. One of those days when you wake up in the morning, the sky is grey and full of rain and you have so much to do that somewhere along the way it's just too much to care.

People really should stop whining about Obama's Peace Prize - if you wanna whine about something, then whine about the fact that Hitler almost got it.

fantastical

Every year I whine about things.

1. Birthdays and birthdaypresents.
2. How overrated Christmas is.
3. Idiotic people.
4. The Nobel Prize in literature.

Today it's about the Nobel Peace Prize - I find it more fun to complain about that since I didn't know Hertha Müller existed before yesterday anyway and have no intention what so ever to read her books. Had there been even a slight chance before I can assure you that it's completely gone now.
President Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize this year. People seem to think that this is a bad thing. Apparently his efforts to end war and shut down that Cuban resort aren't appreciated. I don't agree. I think this is wonderful! What? Oh, no, I meant for myself. If Obama can get the Peace Prize, then so can I. I don't start any wars, I'm not (that) prejudice and I water my plants properly to save the earth.

Tomorrow I'm gonna play rockband with H&H and pretend that we're hotshots that everyone wanna see. I have the pleasure of singing and I can assure that it's quite funny for everyone. You see... I can't sing. I hear tunes and I can play the piano, but I can't sing. Not that I let that stand in my way though - I still do a pretty good job - but sometimes I wonder if it's my skill with imitations that does the trick for me. Oh well...

quitter

There's a program on TV here now called "Locked Up". The plot is rather simple; a bunch of teens with a history of violence gets locked up in a prison to see what it's really about. Former convicts, now honest people, serve as role-models inside the prison.

I know that this is edited for TV, but this has to be the best show I've seen in a very long time. It makes me think about how I'd react if I had a child who acted the way these teenagers act. If my son called me "bitch" or "whore" I would sit down with him and have a very long, and very nice, conversation. If my son would smoke in front of me, I would search his room to find all his cigarettes and then I would make sure he smokes them all in a very short period of time. If my son ever layed a hand on me I am fairly sure I would make him wish he hadn't.

If my son thought that "respect" is something that you earn via violence and weapons, I would show him the difference and I would make absolutely sure that he understood it.

Mock me now...

Lately all I do is whine about how much I hate my neighbour. I complain so much that people turn their attention elsewhere when I start talking. I don't blame them for that. I don't blame them for having more fun things to do than hear a monologue from me again. I blame myself for not having anything else in my brain. I blame myself for thinking that not being able to remember what silence sounds like is a bad thing. I blame myself for not calling the police when it becomes too much for me, and I blamed myself when my best friend told me that she was sick of telling everyone about the reason to why I'm so boring these days. Travelling four hours every time I want to go to the university is exhausting, yes, but that's not the problem. Travelling has never been a problem for me. Travelling when you haven't slept properly is hard, yes, but that's not the problem either. Leaving an apartment when you're dead tired isn't very motivating, but coming home to a place that's supposed to be your home, that's supposed to feel comforting and safe, where you're supposed to feel relaxed and you don't feel any of it... Entering the front door and become so tensed that you get a headache. Waking up in the morning because someone above you is having a conversation. Having trouble reading because someone you share a wall with wants to hear music.

I've lived here for about a year and a half. A lot of my boxes are still unpacked. I don't have any curtains up. There are still holes from the last tenant in my kitchen and my hallway.
I feel more at home back at my parents, in the house which feels tinier than it did when I lived there. With that people I couldn't wait to get away from.

It's funny. When I sit and write here now I'm actually crying and when I look around I see my furniture and stuff - I don't really see the apartment.

I think it's time to move.

Love more!

• I love potatoes.
• I love mushrooms.
• I love meat.
• I love it when I don't have to cook it myself.

• I love a bright day.
• I love sunlight.
• I love myself.

Feels like a pretty darn good day!

withered rose

My motivation is completely gone. All I have at the moment is my will. Thank god I have a strong will. I'm gonna get through this, I'm gonna move and I'm gonna be able to open my hotel. Because I want to. Because I can.
It will take three years of deep-breathing, panicking and travelling, but I'm gonna do it. And if I can do it, then so can you.

Nothing takes the past away like the future.

Final Destination 3D is a very special movie. I'd put among the "blood and gore" rather than "thriller" or even "scary". It didn't have much of an original plot and several times I thought I was gonna throw up.
The 3D-thing was quite cool though - much better than those ugly red/green-glasses you had in front of the TV in the 1990's - but very, very hard on the eyes.

Ah... it's "otter"...

This is what I think about on the morning train:
One of my closest friends turns 23 today! I haven't said "congratulations" and we practically never speak anymore, but I still count her as a friend - we grew up together and were neighbours for more than 20 years.
It's quite funny that of all the people I spent every day and weekend with in high school, only one reamins my friend today.

In the morning there really isn't anything that can beat the sound of English with a really thick Swedish accent (google any Nobel Prize-award ceremony and you'll understand what I mean). I don't mean to mock these people because I know why they speak like that. (The vocal chords can't form the correct sound after a certain age; this is why adult immigrants always have an accent if they learn a new language whereas children don't.)

You know, I realised something on the bus this morning, and I'd like for you to let me finish before you start telling me that I'm a complete moron.
We like to argue for the fact that "everyone is equal". Everyone should have the same rights, no matter of age, gender, religious beliefs and so on and so forth.
When reading the newspaper I came across a few rows about a boat that had capsized. Some of the passengers died and among the dead were women and children.
I get it, I really do. Children are the future and women can carry life, right? I get it. I suppose that's also why they want "women and children" to get spots in the lifeboats before the men. Let's be honest - an article that said "boat tipped and 18 passengers died - 4 of them male" wouldn't really capture the attention. So how can we claim that everyone is equal?

Middaythoughts:
This lecture is so incredibly dull - nothing new, nothing new...

Afternoonthoughts:
Awww... chickens! They're so cute!

transparent

I've done nothing today. Not one thing. Unless you count studying and doing the dishes. And you know what? I'm more mentally exhausted than I've been in a very long time and it sucks. It sucks a lot and I can't even write a decent entry about it.

My neighbours have been playing music all day. Literally ALL day.
If I have enough money to make it 'til the end of the year, I'll be lucky.
My motivation for studying at the university is completely gone.

And you know what? I'm gonna get myself a planeticket to Holland. Because I fucking well deserve it! I deserve to get away, to be somewhere else and most of all, I deserve to find that little piece of sanity lodged deep in my brain.

Is m'ainm...?

I have an exam in business economics on Tuesday. I don't know mathematics, but I'm fairly sure I'll pass anyway. Here comes my problem - if I do something I want to be able to excel in it. I want to be the best. Going to an exam and know that I'll pass, but not be the best is... hard. I know that it's a bit stupid really, since all that matters in the end is that I pass, but still...

Anyway, the last time I studied business economics I screwed up so much with the exercises that I decided to make all my screwups into reality.
The time has come to revive my old company, AB Crashlandning. Since this is a none-Swedish zone for me to express my writing (yes, I'm very well aware of the fact that the word "blog" is shorter, but I think it's an ugly word), I have decided to rename it to Crashlandning Corporation. I've also decided to bring everyone a short resumé - since it's been three and a half years since the last time we heard anything at all.
Crashlanding Corporation is an airline company with corrupted personnel, bad service and money problems. The pilot likes women. Preferably several. At the same time. One of the stewardesses have problems with an addiction to narcotics. Our mechanics prefer to put nails on the seats to annoy the passengers. The co-pilot is stuck somewhere in the middle of a primitive prison in a djungle in Africa and I'm too busy trying to avoid calls from a suitguy from the FBI. Basically we only have one sane person and that's our other stewardess...
And that's about it.

War of the Worlds is not a great movie. It's like watching The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen with a bit more action and annoying sounds and yet again I find myself not caring.

"With Max Power you strap on and feel the g:s!"

I actually made proper dinner today, put on the Devil Wears Prada and just enjoyed my life. While watching the movie I remembered before and after I got my interest in colours and forms. (I simply refuse to write "interest in fashion".) January 2006, after a trip to London. That's when it all changed. (Well, not really in that dramatic way - but you get the point.) From having wanted functional clothes I now wanted clothes that were more fashionesque. Then it just went downhill for some reason. If I buy a pair of shoes now I see a whole outfit to wear them with - they're just shoes for god's sake! You put them on to go to places. My mind has gone insane. Anyway, to get to the point - because I did have a point for once. I can't understand the people who mindlessly follows the trends. I can't understand the people who wear latex leggings and oversized shirts with a big belt at the mid-section. I can't understand people who voluntarily wear the fashion of the 1980's. The 80's ended for a reason. Deal with it. Don't revive it. Spare the world.