Heartbroken, but not broken.

(Translation of the Swedish:
I will never get to see him again, watch him wave his tail, come running with a toy in his mouth. Never more. and it hurts so much inside. We were suppose to take care of him and protect him and now he's dead because we took the decision to put him down. I know that he's in a better place now, I know that, but saying it doesn't help. Because no matter where he is it isn't here and no with mom and dad. He won't come back. Never more. The thought of it makes me cry so much that it feels like my tears will never cease. I know that it will hurt less with time and that I won't see my beloved doggie get burned into ash in an oven, but now... Now that's all I see. My beloved doggie...)

Just before I go to sleep

There's a rendez-vous I keep

And, my darling, till we do

You are always in my heart.

No, there is no point in asking me if "I'm still sad about Rex" when I say I'm feeling down.

He was with me and my family from March 31st 1995 to November 27th 2008.

13 years and 7 months and 27 days.

All day, every day.
We lost a familymember. Don't get surprised that I'm "still sad".

I don't actually see the oven anymore. I don't get an image in my head about a veterinarian and a shot. I don't get images about my Rex, my king, drawing his final breath.
Now I get images of the puppy we got all those years ago. How I called my best friend up on 1st of April and told her that "I've got a dog!". How he got scared of lightning and hid under our laundry. Memories. Good memories. And still I keep crying. I don't really think they're tears of sadness, but I doubt that they're tears of happiness. Maybe just some form of acceptance-tears. It's hard, but I know that we gave him a good life. I know that he was happy. I know.

I watched puppies today on the web. The pain made me so certain that I would never get a dog again, and then I thought that just because I get another dog doesn't mean I will forget Rex or that he will mean less. So I started looking around and thought about a rottweiler girl. It would be a dog I really want and it would still be different. Then I saw the mixed breeds... and then I got into labradors and the second I saw those puppies I knew that there will probably never be another race for me. Of course I won't get a dog now, doggies deserve better than my work-hours and a 46sqm apartment, but it was nice to realise that even though it's painful to loose them, it's still worth it. All that joy and love and happiness. It is worth the pain.

Love is worth the pain.