the end

When you can't find the light,

that got you through the cloudy days,

when the stars ain't shinin bright,

you feel like you've lost your way,

when those candle lights of home,

burn so very far away,

well you got to let your soul shine,

just like my daddy used to say.

This has been the shittiest year in probably a decade. I mean, I've felt bad before but this year... It's like everything I've ever repressed or ignored or refused to think about hit me at the same time together with new feelings and emotions I've never felt before. Thank god there's only 17 days left of this year. I'm going to use these days to pull myself from the black hole of self-pity I'm currently in and just focus on feeling great. On being happy. And on dressing up my fake Christmas tree of course.

He used to say soulshine,

it's better than sunshine,

it's better than moonshine,

damn sure better than rain.

Hey now people don't mind,

we all get this way sometime,

got to let your soul shine,

shine till the break of day.

A friend told me that 'the hardest thing a human can experience is when the image of herself shatters' and I really think there's something to it. I started this year with a dream of the suburb and a house and kids and screams and that kinda went down the drain. It actually went so hard down that I stopped dreaming. Do you have any idea how hard it is to go on and not have a dream about the future? To hear 'so where do you see yourself in ten years?' and realise that you see a void.

So I went back to my usual dream, the stand-by dream that's always there for me. Write a book, get it published, win the Nobel Prize and then tell them to 'shove it'. It's such a good dream...

I grew up thinkin' that I had it made,

gonna make it on my own.

Life can take the strongest man,

make him feel so alone.

Now and then I feel a cold wind,

glowin' through my achin' bones,

I think back to what my daddy said,

he said boy, in the darkness before the dawn:

Let your soul shine,

it's better than sunshine,

it's better than moonshine,

damn sure better than rain.

Yeah now people don't mind,

we all get this way sometimes,

gotta let your soul shine,

shine till the break of day.

I am not stuck. This isn't how it's going to end. This is right here, right now and even though it's not where I saw myself five years ago, it still isn't that bad. I can get through this and I will get through this. I'm going to put all my effort in me now and start to actually care about what I want. My life will change but I will always have myself. I should think more about that.

Sometimes a man can feel this emptiness,

like a woman has robbed him of his very soul.

A woman too, God knows, she can feel like this.

And when your world seems cold,

you got to let your spirit take control.

I took a bath today. If I remember correctly it's the second bath I've taken since I moved in and probably the second or third in ten years time. (I stopped ages ago because the water got cold so quickly and a shower never gave me that problem.) That means that in 8 months and 19 days I've only used my green (yes, green) bathtub twice. (Might be three times, not completely sure.) Anyway... I filled the tub with hot water and then went in and started reading a book. Oh my fucking god, it was hard. I'm not used to just lying there doing nothing and it got so damn hot in the bathroom! The book was great though (just like the last two times I read it) and when it was finished I washed my hair and massaged my body with some weird white spongethingieball I got from work today. Maybe I should invest more in my bathroom. Make it more spa-friendly. Right now it's a green, built-in bathtub, white tiles about a metre and a half up the wall with a two-centimetre tile row that's green (I know!) and the rest of the wall is pink. No tiles, just pink. I mean, I like green but... It's not that pretty. I was thinking about making the bathtub black and the pink part of the wall white and then paint something on the wall, but I'm not sure. I might just keep the tub green and paint the pink white and then just do something green there instead to bind it together. Cheap and easy solution. My only problem now is that my work kinda damaged me a bit so what's green to others are two completely different greens to me. That means that the tub and the tiny-tiles aren't the same green colour. So should I go for the green tub-colour or the tile-colour? Or should I just make the whole room black and put a lightbulb on a string in the middle of the ceiling while I claim that 'it was like this when I found it'?

Let your soul shine,

it's better than sunshine,

it's better than moonshine,

damn sure better than rain.

Lord now people dont mind,

we all get this way sometimes,

gotta let your soul shine, shine till the break of day.

It's about positive thoughts. Posivite thoughts --> positive vibes --> good mood --> happiness --> easier to make good decisions. Ready? Okay. Starting... NOW!