blasted away

It's June 15th 2009 today. How the heck did that happen? Yes, yes, I know that day pass and such, but seriously - it feels like it was January just a second ago - not to mention 2007. Maybe it's just me who has a brain that doesn't really want to comprehend that years pass, or maybe I simply had so much fun it all just passed in a blur.

I flipped through some old school catalogues and it's quite funny to realise that the people you truly hated were just as lost as you were. Apparently there was one girl when I was in the sixth grade who just yelled at me for no reason what so ever and called me names and ugly words. I don't remember it. I can't even recall something remotely close to it. My best friend is the one who's told me about it and she said "well, no wonder you repress that kind of thing - who would want to remember that?". The thing is that I don't really feel that I care anymore. I used to - I used to dwell so much, but now... I don't know - I suppose I made up with it. I'm not that shy, little outcast girl anymore, but I know that I have been and, if it suits my intentions, I can be again.

For as long as I can remember I've been wanting to live in another country. Actually I think it started for real when I was ten and did some schoolwork about New Zealand. I've always loved to travel - even those horrible car journeys down to Spain were worth it. That dream about moving to New Zealand lived with me until I was 16 and realised I would love to move to Australia. I talked about it so much that I don't think anyone would be really surprised if it really happened. Of course I had plans to go there and study once I finished high school, but I never did. (Apparently I wasn't as into marine biology as I thought - and I didn't pass physics so I was screwed either way.) To be completely honest - I think that dream was more about just "getting away" than actually moving somewhere else. You know, just getting away from all the problems and people and everything.
It's first now that I've realised that if I had moved then I would still have the problems. They wouldn't disappear just because I moved around the world.

Yesterday I decided to check jobs I could actually apply to and I found two that would fit me on the paper. Au pair. With couple. Maid. I laughed a bit while I actually considered it, but then I realised that I'm probably not the one you want to have cooking meals for your kids. Or the one you want to have to clean up the mess. I dismissed them rather quickly, but it feels good to know that I can if I want to.
It's not an "if" anymore either, it's a "when". I know which country I would like to live in and I know that even though I would leave all my friends here - some that I've known for more than 18 years - I wouldn't perish and die. I'd still be able to meet them and they me, and I know that I'd be able to make new friends aswell. I don't think I'd be able to do that when I was 19 and done with high school. Not in the same way anyway.
What scares me the most about moving abroad are all the paperwork that has to be done. It's not that I'm bad with papers or anything, but there's so much I don't understand and as a true controlfreak I have to understand absolutely everything. (I'm the one who reads the fine print on commercials, just because I have to know.) I know that my friends would help me if I asked them, but I want to know that I can do it myself. It feels great to know that if things should fuck up I can count on them, but I don't want to have to need them to be able to make it.

My friend sorted my books this weekend. That order really bothers me. I think I'm gonna go fix it before work.