breaking apart

My baby is dead. My beloved, wonderful baby is dead and won't come back to me.

Jag kommer aldrig få krama honom igen, se honom vifta på svansen, komma springande med en leksak i munnen. Aldrig mer. Och det gör så jävla ont inuti. Det var meningen att vi skulle ta hand om honom och skydda honom och nu är han död för att vi tog beslutet att avliva honom. Jag vet att han har det bättre nu, jag vet det, men det hjäper inte att säga det. För oavsett var han är så är det inte här och inte hos mamma och pappa. Han kommer inte tillbaka. Aldrig mer. Tanken på det får mig att gråta så mycket att det känns som tårarna aldrig kommer sluta rinna. Jag vet att det kommer göra mindre ont med tiden och att jag inte kommer se framför mig hur min älskade vovve blir bränd i en ugn till aska, men nu... Nu är det det enda jag ser. Min älskade vovve...

pain

I'm not asking for sympathy - I'm just clearing my head. (This entry is for our beloved dog who we have to put to sleep today. Long live Rex the Labrador.)

It's not hard to keep the tears away. It should be, but it's not. Maybe it will be harder when I get home and there's darkness and silence and I start thinking. I don't know.

I miss him of course, but since I moved away from home I haven't seen him very much so I guess I got used to the thought of not having him around.

Right now I'm split in two parts; one completely rational part who knows that this was the best for him and that he's in a place without suffering now, and another who gets tears in her eyes when she realises that she'll never be able to hug him again. Ever. That's a hard insight.

I celebrate his life, I don't mourn his death. Over these 13 years he brought me so much joy that I will always be thankful. He will still mean the world to me. Always.

It could've been worse...

Today I woke up at 11am. Not incredibly early, but it's about 8 hours after I went to sleep so I think it's quite alright. The weather could've been better (grey dull skies and rain), but you can't have everything and I did feel quite happy with the world anyway.
My mood changed when I was playing World of Warcraft this morning. A lot. A bit too much to just be a minor setback in the game. (My guess is that I'm probably gonna have the tinyband orchestra visiting me soon. Hooray!) So from being a quite cheerful and happy person I became quite angry and annoyed - taking a shower didn't help at all and I ended up going to work completely pissed off, and I couldn't for my life remember anything in "The art of being happy" which is a bit embarassing to be honest.
It's first now that it's blown off and that was because of http://listverse.com/crime/top-10-evil-serial-killers/ - it could've been worse. (I remember hearing about the guy in ninth place on the news - it's so nice to realise that I'm not as sick as I think after all.)

- - - - - - - - - -

I have to stop checking lists. http://listverse.com/crime/top-10-most-evil-women/ (I read a story about #1 last year I think - she was just... I almost threw up.)

Last year 13000 people died in their beds and only 200 on the trains. From now on I'm not going to sleep in my bed. The train is good enough for me.

I have a thing for quotes. It's like a deep, old crush that never really went away. I used to have a habit of quoting things so much that one of my friends told me to shut up because she really wasn't interested. Since then I don't do it - unless there's a situation that really requires on of course...
Anyway, here are some I really like - all said/stolen by Mark Twain.

• Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. (The main reason I always admit my faults - well... that and the fact that there's no point in denying them anyway.)
• Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (See - health and stuff is just a fag. DON'T LISTEN TO IT!)
• Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. (Hear hear - dirty nudists!)
• Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
• I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened. (I'd never make a story up... ever...)

And of course the classic (which I never ever follow because it takes the fun away):

• It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

The art of being happy.

Which would you say is your most typical feature about your appearance? I think mine is my smile. (Although I can't say other people would agree on that...) I love to smile and laugh and I actually get shocked if people don't smile back at me. You know those beefy security guards - they can smile. Except that one in Edinburgh in 2005... I'm still shaken to the core!

Happiness is great, but it's also incredibly over-rated. You can't be happy all the time and it's completely okay not to be (regardless of what everyone else say). It comes in periods and you need the downs to appreciate the ups.
When I feel down I usually try to cheer myself up by thinking about funny things. A really silly joke, a very stupid conversation I've had - I have a few silly convos saved on my cellphone for those boring bus journeys. Sitting on a bus and wanting to laugh out loud over something private is horrible, because the more you want to, the more you realise that you can't and the harder it is to keep the laughter inside. (Before you nag at me and say 'of course you can' remember that I'm Swedish and don't show emotions to other people.)
If I feel incredibly down and a silly joke doesn't do the trick I tend to watch a really cute love-story - I know - I'm the cliché; the woman who sits in sweatpants under her cover and eats chocolate and watch the fates of other men and women. If I don't feel like love stories I usually end up watching a really depressing movie. The more depressing the movie is the better, because I get a perspective of how great my life really is. If this doesn't work I usually just go to sleep and wait for next day. Waking up to a new day makes me happy. Don't get me wrong - I don't always wake up with a smile on my face, but 85% of the times I probably do. My alarm sounds like one of those really old alarmclocks they always caricature in cartoons - you know that old clock that jumps up and down when it rings - and a friend of mine wondered how I can wake up in the morning and not hate the whole world when an alarm like that goes off at 5:40am in the morning. A new day, new possibilities. (Euch, what a cliché. This whole entry is just full of them!)

It's been showed (in some study somewhere made by someone) that if you smile for four minutes you will feel happier. It feels incredily stupid, but you will notice the result.
It's also been shown (in some other study somewhere else) that people who sing along to music loudly are happier. So the next time you feel like shite - just put on some music to match the mood and sing along!

What I really think makes a difference between happy people (like me) and none-happy-people (murderers) is the following:

1. I don't kill people.
2. I eat properly.
3. I can see the fun in rain when everything else goes to hell.
4. I know that it will get better.
5. I have enough time to sit down and write all this crap whereas they just shoot people.

Yes I know, that list made no sense what so ever, but did you smile?

Fooza!

I started writing on my CV today and I realised that my working experience is extremely limited. Then again - they want me back again and again so I must be doing something right.
After checking some adds for jobs in languages I don't understand I started checking educations. I know what I want to do now and I know how to do it, but change is scary, so we'll see how it ends. At least I've started and I think that's a good first step. (Or was it third? I can't remember.)
I also got that Dutch for Beginners-thing I wanted. There's no way in hell that I'll ever be able to do it correctly, but at least I'll be like the Germans when they speak English and people will understand what I say. (If worst comes to worst I'll just smile and nod and then excuse myself very politely in English.)

How I ever managed to play World of Warcraft on a computer with 256mb ram and a 14" inch bubblescreen really is way beyond me.

Epiphany.

The problem is me.

Emotional overload...

My mind is spinning. It's spinning and I just can't get it to stop. Sometimes I wish I could just pull the head off and throw it away so it could spin somewhere else and not bother me. Not that I'm not used to it, because I am, but lately it seems to be spinning more than usual.
There's a sequence in one of the X-Men 2 where Brian Cox's character, William Stryker, tells Charles Xavier that his wife put a drill to her head in order to get rid of the images their son planted in her brain. It killed her of course, but at least she got rid of the images. It's a shame that wouldn't help me - you know, since I believe in reincarnation.

You know, sometimes when I look into a mirror I'm actually amazed of what I see there. It depends a lot on the mood, but lately I seem to like what I see even if the mind is spinning. I think I'm doing progress. Today I took out the trash and saw my reflection in the glass in the door and felt "I don't look that bad at all" - it felt great!

If I believed in psycology I'd find someone to talk to, but since I don't I'm just gonna deal with the spinning in my own way. You can't react to what you don't feel. I'll pull the emotions out next year and deal with them then.

My voice is poisoned

I'm not talking

My hearing is perfect

I'm not listening

I feel everything

I choose not to

and it's breaking me apart

Crackpotland.

You let me violate you

You let me desecrate you

You let me penetrate you

You let me complicate you

I broke apart my insides

I've got no soul to sell

The only thing that works for me

Help me get away from myself

I like crackpotland. It's a nice country. Inhabitants are happy and proud and they take matters into their own hands. They do what they have to do. I like to spend time here. I like to be happy and proud and I like to know that I'm capable of doing what needs to be done. I actually do have a plan with my life now. Step one is to sort it out. You know, pull my life together piece by piece and just sort it. So I checked driving schools. It went fine until I came to the pricelist and it somehow got very real. Not because of the money - that doesn't bother me - but just the whole thing with driving a car. I have no idea why it's freaking me out, but I just can't do it. It's like the diving-incident all over again. Creepy.
So I'm going to step two which I think is learning Dutch. Found a site with curse words and figured that as long as I know how to curse and greet people I'd be set for a while (http://www.youswear.com/ - not sure how reliable it is though). I already know 'dankjewel' which, even though I strongly believe so, does not mean the same as 'danskjävel' (Danish bastard), but 'thank you'. (Yes, I know - just weird.)
Step three would be to actually find out what I would like to work with. I mean, ink is nice and all, but I don't really feel like spending the rest of my life here. I suppose finding out which country I'd like to spend my days in would be in this step too.
The fourth and last step would be to sell my apartment and move to another country. Yeah... like that's ever gonna happen. It's usually most talk anyway.

You tear down my reason
It's your sex I can smell
You make me perfect
Help me become somebody else

I wonder what makes a person selfish. How long does it take to find out if someone is selfish or not? And do they know themselves? Are they actually aware of it? Hrm, maybe. Every now and then I wonder if I'm a selfish person. I don't really think I am. I think I care too much about how others feel to be selfish. That might just be me though. I might be selfish without knowing. Be a doll and tell me then, will you? (I know - I just wanted to use that expression.) Saves us both a lot of trouble. Then again... they say 'bad girls suck, good girls swallow' - I don't do either. Maybe I am selfish.

Through every forest
Above the trees
Within my stomach
Scraped off my knees
I drink the honey, inside your hive...
You are the reason I stay alive...

My life isn't bad. It's actually pretty damn good. But I know how to make it even better. Crackpotland is great!

Random thoughts.

I love languages. I really do love them; the way you write, speak, think. I love the fact that everyone speak their language in the same way even though they don't speak the same language. People in the UK speak English the way I speak Swedish and if I start speaking English they will understand what I say. The same goes for other languages as well of course - I think that's why I'm so keen on learning new ones. I love the thought of being able to speak to everyone in their own language. Not that I speak to people though, but you know, if opportunity should arise.


You know, I've made some really bad decisions during my 24 years of walking this earth. Really, really bad. But starting to play World of Warcraft might be one of the dumbest decisions ever. The way that game can take over your life is just... creepy. It makes you spend hours in front of the computer screen, speak to people you would never have met otherwise, laugh while sitting in a room all alone. See - creepy. I just want to make this clear to everyone as time is ticking for the release of the expansion. You know, when I'll once again sit alone and laugh and spend hours and hours in front of the computer screen.


I'm chopping Cousin It next week. It's just his time to go.

Nice and slow.

I love neighbours. They have to be the best invention ever! I mean, is there anything better than not having to waste energy and electricity by putting on music when they do it for you?
If this apartment didn't have such a good location and such a low rent I'd move. Out in the woods where no one would ever bother me. Except all the cute little animals. And the dwarfs. Oh wait, that's Snowhite...

Time to celebrate the post-birthday. Hooray! I love opening presents because there is so much in the world that I need and can't get myself. Okay, this is getting too bitter - fucking neighbours.

Yawn.

It's now 3:39am, I've been awake since about 2am and there's no reason for me to go back to sleep seeing as I have to get up again in two hours to get to work. Then again, I shouldn't be whining - I fell asleep at 7:30pm in front of my TV (just like that proper factory worker does) and it was gooood...
I have no idea what I'm going to do now though - might start writing my CV, I don't have one at the moment. Or I might start checking options for another job in another country. Or I might just have breakfast and watch the Simpsons. I think that would be good too...

Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away...

Nothing else got fucked up. Well, there was the incident with the trainticket machine who didn't really like my card, but that got solved when I went to the train information.
Something I've learned while polluting the air as much as I do is that even if you get a really cheap flight there will always be some sort of catch. An airport away from the city (not that the airplane should land in the city), uncomfortable times, double taxes... Hrm, I think I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to flying. Then again, after a few times you realise that even if you get a really good price you'll loose it in time.
KLM is a really good company. Overpriced as hell, but good. SAS are good too, but too unreliable with all the strikes they have every now and then. Easyjet are cheap, but have uncomfortable times and land outside the city. Ryanair isn't really on my good list - they're not bad, they're just not that good. British Airways are the best without competition. Shame I'm not a businessman and can afford their insane ticket prices.

The Netherlands is a fun country. It looks pretty much like the Sweden I'm used to, they drive on the right side of the road and the language is insane, but really cool to listen to. (I know, I'm just too obsessed.) They don't take of their shoes though. They walk straight into the homes with their shoes on. Apparently they "don't want sweaty footprints all over the floor", which, I suppose, is a fair reason, but is dirt from outside better?
It's probably just me. I'm used to taking my shoes off so I do it. Then again, here you usually do take your shoes off - not sure why though... Might be because we want to show of our socks...