We are Borg. You will be assimilated.

For Stuart:
I less than three you.

The last two months I've realised something. And I mean something big. Something that will change the world forever! Well, not really, but I just wanted to be dramatic. It probably won't change anything really. At least not for you. I decided to stop playing World of Warcraft. It's just not fun anymore. Like going to a job you truly hate for no reason at all more than paying for it. It felt really good to quit. As in really really good. Then I realised why I need to play computer games. If I don't I end up spending an insane amount of money every month on books. (At one point I couldn't even enter a bookstore without purchasing at least one novel.) So after a lot of consultation with myself and other bored wow-players I've decided to settle for Rift. It has all that World of Warcraft used to have and more and from what I've seen and experienced I'm sure that we'll have a very pleasing time together. And Mister Rottington Yellowpants - I'm expecting to see you there.

Resistance is futile.

It has happened. I always saw it as something beyond me, but now it has finally happened. I'm sorry to say that I have seen more episodes of Star Trek: Voyager than I ever thought possible. What is the difference between Voyager and The Next Generation you wonder? Different actors. The Next Generation has Patrick Stewart and Voyager has a bunch of nobodies. (If you have no idea who Patrick Stewart is I suggest you go and check out the episode of Extras where he's featured. Enough said.) Although one of the later members of the nobodies has remarkably big boobs. So how did this happen? How did I, with my complete apathy for sci-fi and filled with space-hate, end up watching this show? How did I turn in a... a... a... trekkie? (A part of me died inside now, but I'm sure it'll grow back soon enough.) Well, Mr. English wanted something to watch, something sci-fiy and settled for Star Trek. Seeing as I spend a lot of my time watching whatever he's watching (due to sidewards glancing while computer gaming) I got sucked in. One might even say "assimilated". The worst part is that I just know I'll end up watching the other crap. You know, sometimes I really hate having an addictive personality. It takes so much time to feed the addiction.

And now, to Heroes! (I was forced to watch that one.)

Danger, Will Robinson!

I'm terrible with jokes. There's just something in me that stops me from telling them properly. It's not that I can't tell them, I can, it's just that they come out slightly "off". Like I'm telling someone about a certain kind of cell I just discovered. Yea, very clinical. It's horrible. Especially since I like to think I'm funny. A part of me would love to be a stand-up comedian. Comedienne? Or a sit-down comedian. Ba-dump-btsh! Sorry about that. It won't happen again. The point is that I really can't tell jokes well. I can write them down and capture the spirit, but when I try to be funny... It's more amusing to read the news... Then again, considering the news we have here it actually is rather amusing.

As a last completely unfunny statement: whoever started the witch hunt for calories should be shot and killed. Preferably after said person is forcefed spoonfulls after spoonfulls of cake and other tasty things.

Eggs?

Heureka! I have a plan! You see, the reason you get less and less to read (provided that you do read this at all of course) is because I write less and less. At least here. The plan is thus: to write more! It may seem simple and obvious, but it's not as easy as it seems. When you have too much easy things to do, you sort of get overwhelmed. I'm sorry about that and I will make it up to you. Starting now.

Every now and then people recommend books to me. Usually I don't listen, but when I do, I usually find them rather interesting in one way or another. Take Wizard's First Rule by Terry Goodkind. It's thick as a brick and boring as hell, but it did make an impression. You see, there's a torture scene which is rather memorable. The only thing which made me sad about that is that it's rather short. Some bigshots made this book into a tv-series. Maybe you've heard of it - Legend of the Seeker. It took the book and made it so incredibly boring that a part of me is now considering investing in the stock market and go over my taxes for the past ten years. So why am I watching it? Well, it's an excellent bitching-thing. You see, there's something about it that's just slightly "off". Maybe it's the fact that they've been on the run for quite some time now while in the same clothes as when they took off and they're still sparkly clean. As far as I know they haven't washed them much. No one ever seems to be dirty in this show and it gives a certain "recorded-in-a-studio-in-the-90's"-wibe. Maybe it's simply the fact that they speak US-English. I don't know why, but for a mission of epic proportions I'm sort of expecting the British kind. It can be posh as a broom-up-in-the-butt or it can be cockney as a chestnut-on-a-roasted-fork, but it should be British. I guess I'm coloured by the Lord of the Rings, but not everyone in those movies speak British English. They do get dirty though. Do you know why? Because that's what happens when you keep walking the woods over and over! Damn you, Hollywood! Damn you to hell!

"Off with the shirts, lads! It's kickin' off!"

Getting a writing-idea late at night really is such a complete bitch when you've got an early morning. I blame this completely insane cleaning I did today. My mind didn't work this well when it was dirty as shit in here. It was clouded and distracted. Now it's focused and full of... ideas... And I have such an early morning "tomorrow". It's gonna be horrible. Then again, creativity should never be locked up. I strongly believe that. Or well, I guess that depends on the kind of creativity. If we talk burning cars to make a statement, then maybe, but if it's an artist then no. At least I don't think so. Guess it depends on what he paints with... Okay, this is getting weird. Back to work, with ye!

Paraplegerino.

Have you ever had a cover so soft that it feels like you're wrapped in cotton wool? No? Then I really think you should try it. It's absolutely amazing. And wonderful. And soft... Oh, so soft... Mmm...

Face your fears.

There's something very special about mist. It makes me feel like I'm in a hidden world. A secret world. Although... a part of me keeps wondering if a giant is going to walk past my window and if I should close the blinds... Hrm, sometimes I wonder if my brain just plays tricks on me or if I'm truly insane. I'd better end this now before it gets ugly.

Joy to the world!

Oh ducktape, we are your loyal servants. We follow your lead. We will do as you ask.

Yes, my sink and water lock is now fixed with ducktape. Oh wonderful ducktape.

marching through the dawn

Sometimes I have really weird conversations with people. Sometimes I have really normal conversations with people and most of the times I have no idea what so ever what people are telling me because there's usually a pretty-looking butterfly that catches my attention. So where was I? Ah yes, conversations... Here are a few of the weirdest conversations I've ever had in my life. I hope you enjoy them!

"Why are we discussing this?! You can't pee in the kettle!"

"Can we have a baby? And wait 'til it like four and then give it a deadly disease? Then we'll apply to the Make A Wish-foundation and say that we want Jamie Oliver to cook us dinner and that it was our kid's wish. And then we he comes - we punch him!
So it's all this so you can punch Jamie Oliver?
Yep, pretty much - if we start now we'll be done in four years - what do you say?"

And then the classic: "Have you ever thought about eating human eggs? I mean, people eat fish eggs... what's the difference?"

Break wind

Do you remember the last time I fixed the water lock in my bathroom? And do you then remember how it didn't end well for any of us? Yea... I really shouldn't be allowed near stuff you can take apart, should I?

The problem this time is the water lock under the kitchen sink. It's the most stupid construction I've ever seen in my life and the morons who put it in placed it so that if I unscrew the part that needs to be unscrewed I just end up pushing it into the wall. I can't get it out! It's like placing a door facing a wall. Who is so bloody daft that they put a construction on like that? Oh, it's alright dear, I expect we'll be moving away soon anyway. I feel like I'm in some sort of movie where you have to go down to the stream to do your dishes. Of course, I can still use the sink... I just have to place a bucket under the now open water lock to make sure that stuff doesn't get stuck and that the water doesn't flood the kitchen.

So what have we learned today? Well, people are morons and I shouldn't be allowed near water locks. Wait, these aren't new things! You tricked me! That's it - into the kitchen with you. I said in...

If you really want to...

I have to clean the sink in the kitchen today. The water-lock in it. A part of me is thrilled because it means I'm allowed to pick stuff apart and the other part remembers what happened the last time I tried something like this with the bathroom sink. I'll get back to you on this...

Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows, only time?
And who can say if your love grows,
As your hearth chose, only time?

Porridge has to be the most underestimated food there is. I mean it looks really disgusting - mostly just a goo of some white or greyish colour and it doesn't smell like anything really. Yet... it's one of the most filling things you can eat and with the right additions (like raisins or syrup or my favourite - kiwi) it can be amazing.

Who can say why your heart sights,

As your live flies, only time?
And who can say why your heart cries
when your love lies, only time?

My eye is really swollen. The doctors say that it's an incapsuled sty and Mr. English says that it's some kind of rupture. The difference between these people is that the doctors have had some form of medical training (I hope) and Mr. Tea has had no such thing. Yet... he seems to be right more times than not, which is a bit creepy. We made a bet about it, but we didn't add anything the winner got for winning...

Who can say when the roads meet,
That love might be ,in your heart?
and who can say when the day sleeps,
and the night keeps all your heart?
Night keeps all your heart...

My sleep is fucked up. There's just something wrong about going to sleep at 4:40am and then waking upp at 1pm. I don't know about you, but for me it brings a stiffness and a headache and a general "I'm-too-slow-to-do-anything"-thing. It's really annoying.

Stardate 10001000100012

Do you know what would be awesome? If I could spray acid. I don't care if it's from my mouth, hands or ass, but I want it! Or well, I guess I care a little. It would suck horribly if my ass didn't work due to the insane amounts of acid coming out of it. And it'd be a shame if I'd never be able to talk due to the acid spit. I guess it had to be the hands then. Although... dragons breathe fire and it seems to work well for them... I shall conduct this experiment in the privacy of my chambers (also known as my closet) and then I will get back to you. Hopefully.