Bird is the word

This will be a shortie considering the wall of text previously forced on you. I just wanted to show you should love Liam Neeson.

• "I never did think of myself as handsome - terribly attractive, yes, but not handsome."


• "Some mornings you wake up and think, 'Gee, I look handsome today.' Other days I think, 'What am I doing in the movies? I wanna go back to Ireland and drive a forklift'."


• "Acting is invigorating. But I don't analyze it too much. It's like a dog smelling where it's going to do its toilet in the morning."
  
  And my personal favourite:
  


• "In Los Angeles, it's like they jog for two hours a day and then they think they're morally right. That's when you want to choke people, you know?"

NOW LOVE!

Cluedo

I have a scenario for you about two families. Let's call them "Smith" and "Jones".

The Jones' family are going away on vacation and need someone to take care of their dogs while they're away. The Smith's offer to doggysit and they stay in the Jones' house while they're away. (All agreed, of course.) The Jones' bring four of their children with them on the vacation, one daughter of 23, one of 19 and one of 10, as well as a son of 16. The two older daughter's are Mrs. Jones' from a previous marriage and the son is Mr. Jones' from a previous marriage. Mrs. Jones also had an older son and Mr. Jones an older daughter. (The son is on speaking terms with the family, but the daughter hasn't been since Mr. Jones' last wife died.)

The families part ways on a happy note and the Jones' drive away for their vacation.

When they get back they find the window in the 16-year old boy's room opened and it's rained in. They've also found a used condom on the floor and the door to the back garden is broken. They accuse the Smith's of having sex in the boy's room and then leaving the condom there. They also say that they've ruined the back door completely and that it will cost a lot of money to get it fixed. Money that they owe the Smith's and that the Smith's will now not get back. A day passes and then they call the Smith's to tell them that they're found another condom in the boy's room. They accused the Smith's of having sex orgies while they were away.
Mrs. Smith go to the house to recover a lost pillow, but find that she won't be let into the house. Luckily Mrs. Jones comes at the same time and reluctantly lets Mrs. Smith have her pillow. She then mentions that she thought they were friends and that she can't understand how the Smith's could do this to her and her family. Mrs. Smith points out that the 23-year old daughter's boyfriend also had keys to the house and that he went home on his lunches to walk the dogs. Mrs. Jones wonders if Mrs. Smith really thinks that he would lie to her and says that she's making things up. Mrs. Smith answers that someone is lying and it sure as hell isn't her. (Mrs. Smith later told me that Mrs. Jones had told her that Mr. Jones' daughter - the one who didn't speak to the family - had a habit of hiding used panty liners all around her room. Under the bed, behind books, in speakers. She also told me that she never saw any condoms while being in the house.)

The friendship is now over and Mr. Jones have called Mrs. Smith to make sure that she knows that she's been a plague on their family and that she can just forget getting her money back.

The Smith's are 63 and 61. Their children have moved out and have homes of their own. Mr. Smith has recently gone through chemotherapy for cancer and Mrs. Smith has had surgery for a bad hip less than two months away. She doesn't like to use the stairs and she doesn't use them at all if there's no bannister - the Jones' house doesn't have a bannister. They haven't been sleeping in the same bed for many, many years. This leads to the following questions:

1. Considering Mrs. Smith's age - why would the Smith's use a condom while having sex?


2. The Jones' double bed is downstairs - why would the Smith's go upstairs, to a single bed to have sex?


3. Did the Jones' daughter's boyfriend tell the truth?


4. Is Mr. Jones' son going the same way as his daughter and hiding used things around his room?


5. Did someone climb in through the window and threw the condoms on the floor?


6. Was the back door already broken and are the Jones' pissed off that the Mr. Smith, who's a handyman, didn't fix it?


7. Are the Jones' hoping that by accusing the Smith's of breaking the back door they can get away from the debt they owe them?


8. Does the Jones' 16-year old son have a sex-drive?


9. Did Colonel Mustard kill Professor Plum with the knife in the library?

Dark phoenix

Lately there have been reports about a starvation catastrophy - people are very close to starving to death! Now I wonder - and you may call me stupid here - what is the difference between someone "starving to death" and someone who's "suffering from a starvation disaster"? Both of them have no food to eat. Does one of them chew grass and the other live in the desert? And how do we know that he or she doesn't chew on palmtrees?
I get that for someone in an office with somewhere who has no problem what so ever attaining something to eat this is a very interesting question, but let's be honest here. The people without the food won't care if they're "starving" or "almost dead from starvation", they still won't have any food. What actually bothers me even more are all the celebrities who're singing songs and donating money. Yes, "well done Slytherin, well done Slytherin", but since most of it ends up in some corrupt dictator's pockets it won't matter much how much you donate or how many songs you sing. And even if it didn't end up there - I really doubt that a starving family would have much joy out of money. I'm pretty sure that it's not god for the digestive system. What I do about the starvation in the world? Not a damn thing - they don't do anything for me.

A for applause.

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

A damn tragedy. That's what it is. A damn, stupid, annoying tragedy. I knew there was a chance of it happening, but I just never thought it would. You know how it is sometimes - you read about it, you hear about it and you know that it goes on, but you just never think it's going to happen. A red t-shirt made my underwear pink. I know, it's horrible. They used to be bright green, beige and white but not anymore. Now they're all pink. All because of that red t-shirt. Damn you!

Numbers

There's too much porn in the world and it's way to easy to access. I remember when I was a kid and found some porn hid away in a drawer in an abandoned shack in the woods. (Well it was an abandoned shack in the suburbs, but still...) It's funny how it goes in cycles. In ancient Greek and Roman times you had eunucks, orgies and gay sex. And no one looked at you in a funny way. Imagine someone asking for a eunuck in today's Western society. The horror!
In the 1910's you were considered naughty if you showed anything above your ankles. "She showed a calf! She's a whore!" In the 1860's it was considered "too much" if you showed your shoulders before lunch. Today it's considering a bit hoochie if you show too much breasts and in the 1600's the corsets pushed the breasts up so far they hid the noses. It's the same with men - Scottish men can wear kilts but anywhere else in the world it's considered weird. Men don't wear tights because they shouldn't have tight pants, but they used to wear tights all the time in the old days. It's the same with shirts and t-shirts. It goes in cycles. Every now and then the school kids all wear shirts and ties and are really properly dressed (not counting shools with uniforms, obviously). Then you have the cycle with jeans and t-shirts and then the dressy style makes a comback again. It's strange when you think about it. So just remember, when sodomies and orgies come back in style - I totally called it first.

Booyah!

There's something special about rain. At least if you're inside. Otherwise it tends to be unspecial and mostly wet. Soaking you to the bone. Making the shoes sound in strange ways.

You know, walking outside with a giant umbrella is quite nice. When it's not windy. The thoughts that went through my head started at "I feel like Mary Poppins", moved on to "I wonder if I'll fly away now" and ended with "Am I gonna jump down a pavement painting now and end up in a world where an American dude speaks bad cockney?". It turns out that I didn't fly away at all, I just got to where I was suppose to be. Inside and away from the rain. It's a bit of a shame though because it would've been really nice to see that fantasy land. And punch Dick van Dyke in the face. Oh well, there's always next time. I live in faith!

Flowers!

17 minutes and 54 seconds. That's how long it takes for Sean Bean to betray Nicholas Cage in National Treasure or Das Vermächtnis der Tempelritter which it's apparently called in German. (Don't ask me why, but imdb.com decided that the title should be in German.)

You gotta hand it to Mr. Bean - he sure doesn't waste any time. Then again, if I worked with Mr. Cage - neither would I. It's a bit sad really, Sean Bean is one of those actors you see everywhere, but that you never really notice and he's a very good actor. Okay, he got his big break as Boromir in Lord of the Rings, but before that - be honest, where did you see him and know it was him?
The trademark is betrayal. Any kind of betrayal really. Every time I watch a movie with him I just sit and wait for him to betray someone - friend, enemy, king, hobo - it doesn't matter. Just some tiny form of betrayal. You'll notice is next time you see him in a movie and then you'll never get away from it.

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!"

Do you ever jump up and down in anticipation? You just know that in a little while something wonderful is going to happen? Yea, I do that a lot. Then again, I'm a fairly happy person. Although... Somehow I'm not sure if it's good to jump up and down in anticipation to the find of Malleus Maleficarum online. Maybe I should be appaled and disgusted over the publication of such a work. Maybe I should find all the copies of it and just burn it in the Winter. A big, smoky heap of books with poisonous smoke which rises several meters high. Of course, I will never do that. The Malleus Maleficarum is one of the books I really want in my bookshelf. It would be awesome together with my Witches-book. You see, the Malleus Maleficarum (if you already know this then please excuse me and go back to your coffee - I'll call you back when I'm done) is a book for witch-hunters. It's from the 15th Century and it is absolutely terrible. (You can find it here: http://www.malleusmaleficarum.org/) Don't say I didn't warn you though.

Northern Soul

Sunshine, lollipop and
streetlight and ehm more sunshine?

You know, I have absolutely no idea how that song goes. It doesn't stop me from singing it though. Or any other song where I don't know the lyrics for that matter. I really like to sing "You are my sunshine" in an incredibly false voice. "You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me haaaaaaaaaaaaaaappyyyyyyyyyyy when life's low. You'll never know just, how much I miss you, so don't you taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake my suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunshiiiiiiiiiine awaaaaaaaaaay". Yea, it ain't pretty. It's also why I would never have to use torture. The singing would do that for me. Then again, according to the Geneva Convention it's illegal to torture people by keeping them awake for a long period of time or constantly interrupting their sleep. So maybe it wouldn't be more humane of me to sing. Maybe it would be worse. I'm going to ponder this over the next six to eight hours and you can expect a written conclusion within four to six weeks.

Thunder and lightning!

Good afternoon and welcome to today's session. Today we're discussing the reality of stories. Mr. English, would you like to start?

"Yes, I think I would. Snowhite. If we ignore the fact that she exiles herself from some stupid tart and go live with some midgets, she's just stupid as all hell. She opens the door for a lady selling apples! When was the last time you came across someone selling apples?!"
"Don't you still have people coming to your door selling milk?"
"Well, uhm yes... but that's beside the point! I mean, I can understand if she lived in a city or something. 'Apple lady!' - I mean, that works. But the bitch lives in the middle of the forest. She lives in the middle of nowhere. The cabin is meant to be in fucking nowhere! That's why she goes there! Because it's in the middle of fucking nowhere! I mean, how can the apple lady even find her there?! And why does she open the fucking door? It's the first human contact she gets in god knows how long and it's a fucking woman selling apples!"

Would anyone else like to add something? No? Okay, let's move on then. Goldylocks. Yes, Mr. English?
"Well, what's up with it? They have three bowls of porridge and they all have different warmth. How's it even possible to get three different temperatures when it's cooked in the same pan at the same time?"
"You never know if it's cooked at the same time because the story doesn't tell you, and it is possible. If you cook porridge in a pan and you pour one bowl and then another and then a third they will all be slightly different in temperature."
"Well, if your porridge is too cold - why would you go for a walk?! I can understand it if the porridge was too warm, but too cold?!"
"You never find out if the porridge is too cold for the bears, you just know that it's too cold for Goldylocks. They are bears living in a house, there's no reality to it."
"And another thing! One bed is too hard and one is too soft."
"I'm suprised that Mama Bear and Papa Bear doesn't sleep in the same bed, myself."
"Exactly! How did they make Baby Bear? 'Come over here, you.' ' Oh no, your bed is too hard. You come over here.' 'No, your bed is too soft.' I'm gonna rewrite Grimms' fairy tales from a realistic point of view."

I assume that the next time you read the story of Goldylocks it will be something along the line of: "Goldylocks got lost in the woods. Luckily she had her brand new mobile phone with a fantastic gps and soon found the way back home again. The end."