Mr Brain's Pork Faggots

You know, I'm so happy I could burst. I feel like I could shoot off into the sky and turn into a million amazing fireworks. (Think about the fireworks in the first Lord of the Rings-movie and you're on the right track. Yes, of course the dragon. Have I taught you nothing?!)

Yesterday I got into a discussion with the Englishman of my preference when we were watching a show called QI. (It's short for "Quite Interesting" and it kinda was.) The question was why so many American citizens call 911 on Christmas morning. My idea was that the Christmaslights set the houses on fire. I thought it was a really good idea, but nope I was wrong. Apparently it is because they get new cellphones and since they don't have any money or cards in them they can't call anyone but 911. According to law in the United States cellphones have to be able to call 911 without either card or money.

Him: That's weird.
Me: We have the same in Sweden - you can call rescue without money. Not sure about the card though - think you might need one.
Him: What's the number for the rescue service in Sweden?
Me: 112. (Then I touched his mouth "1", his nose "1" and his eyes "2". "That's how they teach it to kids in Sweden.)
Him: 112 will get you the Coastguard in England.
Me: Really? I don't even know the number to the Coastguard in Sweden. It would be rather funny though if you started with the strange greeting phrase you guys have here. (They start with "You alright, are you?", I usually go for "hello" myself, but English folks always have to be so damn special.)
Him: 'I've been murdered I have!' Well, I guess you wouldn't call someone up if you've been murdered would you? It'd be a bit hard.
Me: 'You alright, are you?'
Him: 'No, I'm bloody well not, I've been murdered! It's the third time this month!' 'Are you at the sea?' 'No, I'm not.' 'Well, then we can't help you. Piss off.'

So this brings us to the conclusion that the English are weird. But we already knew that, didn't we? We surely all know at least one English person who's proved to be a bit cocoo in the old flubber. I know that I have. Obviously.

Apparently I'm gonna have an English breakfast now. If you don't hear from me again then call 999. I would need proper help and I'm nowhere near the sea.

[Later research has shown that the number 112 will get you help from other departments aswell - not only the coastguard.]