enjoyment

I used to refer to myself as a "hedonist" and just do whatever I felt like doing at the moment. Up until yesterday I'd forgotten that. I'd actually forgotten the sole purpose of why I do stuff - because I simply want to. How sad is that? I suppose things stop having meanings when you aren't really happy with your situation. When you feel that there's no end to it and you don't know what to do or how to act to get out of it. I know now though. I can see it.

My apartment is white and fresh and boring. When I studied psychology in high school our teacher told us to imagine that we were in a white room without doors or windows and that we couldn't get out. Then we were supposed to imagine what our reactions would be like. I remember mine clearly. Panic. Afterwards we found out that the room symbolises death. When I think of that white room now I don't panic anymore. Now I'd probably just lie down there and think about stuff. About how to make it more homey. Maybe a splash of colour here and a plant there?
Maybe I'd just do what I did two years ago and paint one wall orange. I was horrified over the result once I'd done it. Don't get me wrong - I like orange a lot, it's such an underestimated colour - but it's well... orange. Now that wall is white. It feels just as wrong. Like an end to something.

There's one wall left to whiten, unless you count the loo. Then the floor needs a touch-up and the rooms need de-personalising. That's gonna be the hardest part. Remove myself from the apartment. Make it more mainstream. All so I can sell it and move. All so I'll finally get away from here. So I can be free and happy and hedonistic once again.

Was it really worth it?

Someone just called me from a company asking me if I remembered taking part in a marketing survey long ago.
Me: Uh no?
Him: Well, it was a very long time ago. Anyway, it's being going very well for us since then so we'd like to thank you for your participation and send you a thank-you-package of roseroot and rose-hip. You might've read about them in the papers recently?
Me: Uh no?
Him: Okay. Roseroot has a soothing effect against stress and tiredness and if you take it you'll notice the effect within about an hour.
My head: Okay, drugs.
Him: We want to send this free to you and all you have to pay is the postal charge of 59sek.
Me: I'm not interested, thank you.

This is the third best call like this I've had during the two years I've lived here. The call that got itself into second place was the guy who called from my telephone provider telling me that they did a follow-up since I'd had that provider for half a year now. I told him that I had only been there for three months and then he got all confused and hung up on me. I found it hilarious. Haven't heard from them since. The number one? The guy who called me from my internet provider to sell a portable broadband (not sure if that makes sense in English). We spoke World of Warcraft for five minutes before he realised why he'd called me. And no, he didn't get anything sold, but I'm pretty sure I brightened his day anyway.

You know, I'm upset. We had a discussion last week that gave us points and I didn't get the max-score. That pisses me off. I suppose it's bad if you dis the teacher who holds the discussion. A friend of mine tells me that I'm a bad loser. I don't think so. I don't mind losing really. What I mind is when my performance doesn't lead up to my expectations. (That happens quite a lot.) Sadly I can understand my friend though, since the annoyance of not being the best often reflects my behaviour and actions. And if my friend should read this I'm fairly sure the thought "whatever you say, girl" would join the other thoughts in said friend's head.

bad boys

I'm watching COPS at 5:40am in the morning. I hate that show.

Mimosa

Do you know what really pisses me off? Bad translations. At the moment I'm watching Casino Royale on tv and someone who did the subtitles translated "you can have me anywhere" with "you can have me when you want". Seriously! If I can notice the difference at 11:20pm when my brain hardly works, then so can a bloody translator who works with it for a living!

birds and bees

Happiness is finding a completely unopened pair of socks that you didn't know you had.

whistle and flute

It's been a long time since I had a moonlight-picknick in the middle of the night. I really should have one soon - there's nothing like getting two-o-clock-philosophical with a cup of tea and a rice cookie on the roof of a garage. Sadly I don't have a garage, but I'm sure me and my best friend will figure something out. We usually do.

Today I got the tip to write my obituary - in the sense that I should put down what I want to have done before I die. My first thought was that my tombstone would say "Here she lies - buried with her ass in the air", but then I got annoyed because it wasn't witty enough and I abandonded it. My goals are easy - filthy rich and an office with a big window and an amazing view.

My flowers are still alive. And growing! I know, I don't get it either to be completely honest.

vomit

Why, cruel world, why? Why is it such a cruel joke that when I for once sleep really well I wake up with a headache that's out of this world? Why do you have the right to keep me from sleeping to long and punish me when I do?

Does anyone want a head? You can have the stomache too! It's a garage sale - everything must go!

"Repeat after me - SUNLIGHT!"

Pancakes. Everyone I know have a different relation to them. For me it's always putting it on a plate, spread some jam on it and then pour some sugar on top. After that you roll it to a sausage and then you cut it into pieces. It's been like that since at least 1992. That's how far back I can remember clearly.

One day I want to go to a masquerade party in a catsuit. Preferably dark red, but I won't be picky.

weather

I would be such a good sith lord. I'm impatient, full of love and I dwell in anger more often than not. I'd totally rule that death star. And no, it doesn't matter that according to one of my friends I "spend my days in wow in a rabbit costume marvelling over how cute I am and rejoicing when I lay an egg". (Those bunnies and eggs are so cute though!) I can be evil!

50 First Dates is a lot better than I thought it'd be.

Some day I'm gonna live in a bungalow on the beach.

*bonk*

Star Wars is a pretty sucky movie. You can pick whichever you want of the bunch - they're all sucky. The whole thing is lead by a green puppet which speaks with bad grammar and everyone around it goes "oooo, Master Yoda knows all!". Right... Maybe I'm just a snob, but I want people to speak properly. Oh, and by the way - if I ever follow a green doll around mindlessly, please end my suffering. I'll let you decide how.

I'm gonna do something I've never done before. I'm gonna quote a segment from one of my friends. This guy writes really funny in Swedish and although I'm not interested in sports (football particularly) if it's not a big championship, it's always worth reading his sports-segments. I translated it - enjoy.

Messi is quite okay right now. He's the best in the world. Right now. Something he is not is the biggest. Neither on height or purely football-wise. :p I like Messi, he's fun to watch and he has a speed and technique that's amazing. But he will never be the biggest of the big if he doesn't win titles with the national team and if he doesn't become more of a team player. Sure, he delivers his goals and he's fun to look at but his team mates must think that it sucks more than a lot of goat's ass. If he gets the ball there's hardly a chance in a frozen hell that he passes. That's why I rank both Pelé and Zizou higher. Maradona is sort of in a class for himself. He got help from both God and other uplifting means.

In my next life I'm totally gonna be a frost nymph. With wings. I always wanted wings.

Fool me bad

There are ten litres of paint in my hallway. Do you have any idea how heavy that is to carry?! It was all worth it though - today I'll continue what me and my best friend started last weekend and hopefully I'll be out of here in two months. Hopefully less. I'm really looking forward to that, I mean, sure it's a nice apartment, but it's just a temporary hole I'm living in. Or so it feels. Do you know what I'm looking forward to the most by moving? Being able to relax. I haven't relaxed in so long that I wouldn't now even if I tried. And believe me, I have tried.

Do you know what's funny? Thinking you have all the books and ignoring the panic-striken mails the teacher sends out on how to get the books. Then coming to school and realise that no, you don't have that particular panic-book and you really need it. I know, this is so me. Of course, being me - I also know how to get this book - long live the English sites. Express-delivery from England set me back about £20, but it was worth it because I got it within a week. That's much MUCH faster than if I'd ordered it from a Swedish site. Gotta love those Britons!

rule the world

Yesterday I went to sleep at 7pm. Being dead tired from 3 hours of sleep the night before and having a headache just got to me. So I set my alarm to 6:30am and just crawled into bed. And it was good. It was so good that I woke up 6:28am due to the sunrise. I love when that happens. Life feels a little less shitty when there's a sunrise.

Coldplay's Viva La Vida is amazing. It really is.

Part of the Disease.

This was gonna be such a good day. I could feel it despite being tired. And it was such a good day. Until I realised the sheer stupidity of some people. Until I realised that once again their stupidity affects me. Fucking, stupid, moronic people.

I wish I was bigger and stronger so I could punch a big hole in my wall without hurting myself.

zombieworld

05:00 ?
05:20 ?
05:21 ...brains...
05:32 I have to make breakfast.
05:42 I have to brush my teeth.
05:55 MOVE!

Don't cry for me, Argentina!

Lately I've been thinking quite a lot about that guy who broke me completely. I don't miss him exactly, but I miss the feelings he gave me and whatever it was we had.
This weekend I got asked which guy who was the best kisser of the ones I've kissed. And you know what? It was hard to answer that. You see, the best kisser was undoubtedly the last one I kissed, but it wasn't the best kiss. That one came from the guy who broke me. Strange really, but I suppose emotions do play their part.

I'm considering staying home tomorrow and buy paint so I can fix my kitchen. Then again, my lecture is between 8am-10am so if I go to my lecture I'll be back in my apartment with paint before I get up if I don't go. And the thing is that I have to go - there's no chance in hell I'm risking sinking down into a hole again. Not one chance.

drunk and violent

According to a survey done by people who obviously have too much time on their hands Swedish people eat 17kg of candy each year. Now, I think that's a lie. LIE AND DAMNED POEM! as we say here in Sweden. Why do I think this? Well, you see, this weekend I bought 0,998g of candy and that's not including the 100g of chocolate I got. And this isn't unusual for me when buying candy. Now, that I only do this 17 times a year would mean that I eat candy about once every 3rd week or so. Hrm, that does seem quite a lot, but no, I'm not buying it. I still think it's too little. Because there is once every 3rd week and then there's parties, Easter, Walpurgis Night, Midsummer, All Hallow's Eve and Christmas. Nope, not buying it. People really should do their research properly.

may it be

There is a time in every gamer's life that's dreaded. The gamer tries to put it up for the future, but it will always come, no matter what. The time I am referring to is the re-installing of the game. I'm there now. And yes, it's painful. For some reason I decided to install World of Warcraft if from the cds I have instead of just getting it from the website. This means that it takes an insane amount of time. Time that I, of course, can't spend doing something else because, let's face it, I'm a bit of an idiot.

I have to say that this Jèsus-weekend has been rather enjoyable. Best Easter in years if I may say so myself, and I may, so I will. The holes in my walls are somewhat fixed, I am clean, I have candy and I'm in a remarkably good mood today. Despite the re-installing. "YOU WON'T BRING ME DOWN TODAY!"

It's rather funny how this little thing - not being able to play a game - messes up my brain and creates a need that I don't really have. "I must play!" Normally I can just leave it and go and watch TV or whatever, but now it's frustrating and I must must must! The human brain is a sick, sick thing.

Anyway, if this re-install doesn't work then I suppose that I'm not meant to play World of Warcraft anymore. I suppose I should that it as a sign. I won't of course, but I probably should.

"Så kan det gå, snickarjävel."

I am incredibly bored. It might be the lack of air in here, but everything just feels... boring. The weather is amazing and I have plans tonight, but still... boredom. I suppose it could've been worse though. I could've been Jesus on the cross. Imagine hanging there nailed to the cross under a burning sun and a stone cold moon for two days. Ouch. Somehow I wonder if he knew back then that his action would echo for years and years and years. He probably didn't. I bet that all he wanted was to be a carpenter, marry some girl and then pop out a couple of kids, grow old and spend the remains of his days on the porch in a rocking chair. You know, I bet that when the Romans came for him he didn't turn the other cheek. If someone had come for me and told me I'm a liar and then nailed me to a cross there's no way in hell I would've turned the other cheek. So no, I don't think he did that. I think he was kicking and screaming and cursing as they brought out the hammer and the nails. And I think he threatened to hunt them down in his next life. So... bet they didn't see that one coming!

Here in Sweden we celebrate Easter by eating eggs. And opening eggs. An insane amount of eggs. Apparently it means life. "Out comes a live chicken." Yea... let's hope not, for everyone's sake, shall we? We also have a bunch of other stuff like witches and brooms and flowers and dry twigs and feathers. Every family celebrates it differently but we used to have all this stuff when I lived at home. Now, I don't really celebrate it anymore, other than mentioning it here and eating some candy.

So thank you, Monsieur Jèsus, for sacrificing yourself for us so we can be free from work and school and obligations and eat candy and eggs and dress out to witches and bring home dry twigs to decorate with feathers and get a reason to make something special out of an ordinary weekend.

Så kan det gå, snickarjävel = So can it happen, fucking carpenter = That's what happens, fucking carpenter.