anger management

Don't close your eyes

They may not open

What if they open

Would you be alive

I'm having lots of doubt with my education, although I seem to forget all that when there's something I find very interesting so I suppose it's just this course that bores me. Or maybe it's all that fucking groupwork we have to do. I really really hate other people's opinions. Don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware of the fact that other people are entitled to their right to an opinion, but aren't I entitled to my right to not have to hear it? Anyway, it'll be over soon, or at least - this course will be. Next stop - global economics! Hopefully that'll give me more than service manament and "smile to the customers".

Everyone falls

But not everyone rises

Why don't you get up

And rise again for me

Bad thing: having to meet people, who don't understand the value of communicating over the Internet, three hours before we have to meet.
Good thing: if I got attacked by a rapist I'd have enough rage in me to send him to the emergency room with several broken bodyparts.

What if the world

were a little more perfect

just stop crying or

would you take the leap

What if the world

were a little more perfect

Would you open your eyes

and blink again for me

confusion

I dreamt that I was a part of Swedish Top Model. My first photoshoot was horrible, but I got to go on another week, and then my dream drifted into something completely different as dreams often do. I have no idea what that was but all of a sudden someone told me "what are you so angry about - you passed again". My thoughts started spinning and I googled myself. For some reason an old picture from my sister's birthdayparty showed up, we're talking really old - like when she was three or something, and then the text "The friends couldn't for the love of god understand why Anna got to move on in the competition. She's as close to object number one in audience hate as you can come". After that picture and text I wondered what I'd done to be that hated, but then I woke up so I never got to know. So sad...

TURRON!

I have a luxury problem. I call it "luxury" because there are a lot of people in the world who can't sleep and who would give their right arm to be like me. The problem is that when I sleep more than eight or nine hours I get a terrible headache. Like a tension headache. And you know the way to get rid of it? More sleep! I hate sleeping, it's such a waste of a good day. Why whine about this now, then? Well... I kinda woke up 17 minutes ago (3:20pm) and it kinda sucks. I don't have a headache now though, god knows why, but I feel a bit cloudy in my head and I doubt that'll disappear during the evening.

My no-sugar isn't going well. I fell a while ago and I seem to keep falling. Yesterday my craving was insane - I didn't get anything though. I can do this. The sugar doesn't own me, I own the sugar.

It's October 28th 2009 today. That makes it less than one week left for my birthday. How did that happen? Time really slips away too fast. This means that I have 4 days left to do all the things I wanted to have done before I turned 25. Such a shame I can't remember any of them now...

virgin's tears

How does it feel to see someone that you know committed crimes against humanity go free? How does it feel to see that someone return to her homecountry and be cheered for, like a hero?

Biljana Plavsic is free. She served eleven years in a prison here in Sweden and now she can return home and blame the incident on someone else.
You know, I remember this war. It was the first war I was old enough to be affected by and I remember the scenes of people getting lined up - because they had the wrong religion or tradition. I remember reading about how people were forced to kill their pets before they got shot themselves. I remember learning the phrase "etnisk rensning" (ethnic cleansing) and I've never forgotten it. I don't think I ever will.

The release of this old, fragile woman makes me feel sick about being Swedish. I feel ashamed that one of the people who made the war possible got to serve eleven years in a prison, while the ones who lost relatives got a lifetime in sorrow. There aren't really any better words I can say, because every time I try to get them out I get a nasty taste in my mouth.

Don't stop me now!

I'm trying a new thing. It's no surprise that I've been less than fun lately so I figured that a different point-of-view might do the trick. Allow me to demonstrate.

My mobile phone made a noice at 4:30am this morning due to low battery. That's a bad thing. I turned it off and got back to sleep. That's a good thing.
Let me take another.
The weather's quite dull and grey. Boring. On the good side it means that I can sit here without feeling guilty for not being outside and enjoying the sunshine.
You get the point right? Pros and cons? I read somewhere that it takes a lot more energy to be upset than to be happy. So now I'm making a choice. For every con I'm trying to see a pro. It's kinda like the "what-if-principle" I had when I went to high school and I'm not sure if I've ever told anyone about this so I hope you feel damn special! Anyway, I was on top of the world whenever I was at home or at school, but on my way between the two there was always someone popular and beautiful, so I used to think "what if I was her". After thinking this I realised that yes, in my head this girl might be all that, but she probably has issues of her own. She doesn't know the people I do and doesn't have the experiences I have.
Believe it or not, but that actually helped. So every time I feel like shit or wish I was someone else, I just think the counter-what-if. Say I was rich and famous - that'd be a pro and I wouldn't mind it right now, but that'd also mean that people would go through my trash and try to photograph me in my underwear, preferably while I'm at the loo. That'd be a con.

To make this short: positive thoughts. Starting now. Ooo breakfast...

Freedom is an illusion.

I don't like knives. As in really don't like knives. I'm not too fond of my frying-pan either and between you and me - the fact that these two items are rather basic in a kitchen is a bit annoying. But of course you knew that. I think everyone knows it. It's a great ice-breaker at parties you know.

- So what do you do?
- I study at the university.
- Oh, and what do you do when you don't study?
- I hide from my frying-pan.

You have to admit it - if you don't have the attention by then you'll probably never get it.

This wasn't at all what I intended to write when I sat down here, but the mind works in mysterious way I suppose.

Oh my god...

Hallelujah moment: An episode of the Simpsons I've never seen.

Supercalifragilisticexpialadocious!

I fucked up. Quite royally actually. I forgot to introduce myself and I hardly introduced my groupmates. Since I'm such an incredible professional speaker I did, of course, pull myself together and blew everyone away. Not that it's very hard when everyone before you have had an intimate conversation with their scripts.

Maybe I'm just awesome and everyone else morons.

food

To get up in the morning, get dressed and go outside might seem like a good idea. Wearing pantyhoses and a sweater that hardly covers my ass however... Not the best idea I've had in my life, I can tell you that. It would've been wonderful to continue sleeping (as usual when the alarm rings), but since I've noticed that my motivation returns if I actually leave my apartment, I think it's best to just get things done. Besides, today's the day for our "mini-lecture" about internal marketing. So far only one person has tried to speak without reading a script. (She still had the script in her hands though.) They all had powerpoint or overhead-presentations, and they still read from scripts! I think this is horrible - at a university level people should know how to do a proper presentation. Maybe it's just me being very interested, but honestly - if my best friend who hates standing in front of people and talk can do it - so should these people be able to.
I suppose it's good for me since it'll show everyone what a brilliant speaker I am, but since this isn't graded I suppose it doesn't really matter much in terms of comparison. All I can do is make sure that I do my absolute best and that I can be happy with my performance.
I'll let you know the incredibly interesting continuation on this story once I've actually done the crap.

Stand Up For Your Right!

I'm gonna make a stand. I know I do it all the time, but this time it's political. (Usually I stay away from politics, because it's doesn't interest me much if I can't make parallels to event throughout the history.)
The Swedish goverment wants to control how much the Swedish population drink. Apparently "A whole country is drinking itself to death". I like the thought, it's cute that the goverment cares so much for its people that it want to keep them from dying. Of course... this suggestion, made by said goverment, only applies to the amounts of alcohol one is allowed to take into Sweden. You see, Sweden is built by a bunch of hypocrits - do this because we tell you and then we'll do it the other way anyway. To clarify: we have a governmental controlled company that sells alcohol. If any other company sells it, it's a violation against the law.
Now, this suggestion doesn't mention anything about the amount of alcohol one is allowed to purchase at the "System Company". (That's actually the name. Systembolaget = the System Company.) Because if it did, that'd mean less money in governmental pockets and we wouldn't want that now, would we?

I personally think everyone should be able to do and say what they want. If people wanna drink themselves to death - go ahead. It's their lives, not mine. And since alcohol is allowed - I think we should allow drugs aswell. The difference is that alcohol kills slower than drugs, but studies have clearly shown that it kills in the end. So does smoking and that's allowed. Sure, they put up "No Smoking"-signs and sure they have "No Smoking"-sections, but it's still allowed. People will wrinkle their noses at smokers, but they won't call the police because you own a pack of cigarettes.

So who am I to say that the goverment should but out of people's lives? Well, let's just say I've seen what smoking and drinking does to people and restrictions are useless. There are always ways to find what one wants anyway.

like a tiger

There are many things I like with mornings. The sunrise, the fresh, biting cold, the fact that for once I actually get out of bed before noon... Unfortunately none of these things can be compared to crawling deeper down under the cover and disappear into unconsciousness.

I have the first of three mini-lectures today. This means I have to listen to people who think they're important and I have to pretend that I actually care. That's between 9a.m. and 1p.m. Between 1p.m. and 3p.m. I have a lecture - a proper one - and after 3p.m. it's time to gather with the children and fake it 'til I make it. If I'm home before 6p.m. tonight I'll be really happy. I don't know when there'll be time for lunch, but I'd like to see the one who dares to stand in my way if I take time for it.

On the bus to the trainstation my mind wandered to the Netherlands. I thought about how I pronounce the name of the Dutch airport, Schiphol, and how the Dutchies pronounce it. I say "ship'ol" and they say "skip-hol". This isn't really important - it's mostly a matter of getting understood and anyway, this wasn't really my point. After having thought about this and mentally putting myself on an airplane on its way to land, I thought "I wanna go home". Not "home to my apartment" but "home to my country". I think I've mentally moved away already. Quite a funny thought actually.

"This insanity is brought to you by Fishy Joe's! Try our new Extreme Walrus Juice! 100% fresh-squeezed walrus. Ride the walrus!"

I worry about everything. I try not to, but I do. (Between me and you - it's fucking annoying.)

We're suppose to tell the others on our Hotel & Restaurant Management-program about "internal marketing". Take away the fact that this is completely useless because it's just a way for us to do the teachers' jobs, and the fact that it's suppose to be a group presentation. Then add the fact that I, until about an hour ago, had about six rows of a fake powerpoint presentation. I hate groupwork. I don't mind teamwork, but doing a job in a group where "I do this part, and you do that part and we don't read each other's parts and then we'll be all surprised when we're saying the same thing, oh my god!" is just stupid. Anyway, I went to sleep and then I started thinking. Just thinking about internal marketing and what it means to me and how to actually make it work. The more I thought about it, the more I could see my presentation taking form - now I have about one computer written page in size 16, which of course isn't all that much, but compared to six rows it's a darn good job! I'm repeating myself a bit in there though, but I think I can make it - after all, repeating stuff is what makes it stick in the head.

I'd really love to write a fantasy story. An epic tale of horrors and adventures and mysteries. The only problem is that I don't really possess the kind of fantasy such a work would require. I'm so happy in this world that I can't come up with another that's completely different. It annoys me. I should, with my insane brain and sick imagination, be able to come up with the most wondrous tales, but no. Until this change, and I get the Nobel Prize for first fantasy writer ever, you'll just have to live with this kind of writing. It's not much, but I hope it can at least put a smile on your face when you feel shitty. I know it does on mine to write it.

wallflower

I don't remember what it feels like to be really sad. You know that feeling of pain that threatens to rip you into pieces? I don't remember that. I can't recall what it's like to spend every moment wondering how people can smile when the world is falling apart around them. I suppose that's a good thing. It means that I've moved on from... well, there's always something to move on from. At the moment I'm just feeling bored. And un-interested. And annoyed. And tired...

I know that any effort I make is worth it in the end. I know it. But right now I don't believe it. I don't know, maybe it's just one of those days when everything seems like the world's biggest uphill climb. One of those days when you wake up in the morning, the sky is grey and full of rain and you have so much to do that somewhere along the way it's just too much to care.

People really should stop whining about Obama's Peace Prize - if you wanna whine about something, then whine about the fact that Hitler almost got it.

fantastical

Every year I whine about things.

1. Birthdays and birthdaypresents.
2. How overrated Christmas is.
3. Idiotic people.
4. The Nobel Prize in literature.

Today it's about the Nobel Peace Prize - I find it more fun to complain about that since I didn't know Hertha Müller existed before yesterday anyway and have no intention what so ever to read her books. Had there been even a slight chance before I can assure you that it's completely gone now.
President Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize this year. People seem to think that this is a bad thing. Apparently his efforts to end war and shut down that Cuban resort aren't appreciated. I don't agree. I think this is wonderful! What? Oh, no, I meant for myself. If Obama can get the Peace Prize, then so can I. I don't start any wars, I'm not (that) prejudice and I water my plants properly to save the earth.

Tomorrow I'm gonna play rockband with H&H and pretend that we're hotshots that everyone wanna see. I have the pleasure of singing and I can assure that it's quite funny for everyone. You see... I can't sing. I hear tunes and I can play the piano, but I can't sing. Not that I let that stand in my way though - I still do a pretty good job - but sometimes I wonder if it's my skill with imitations that does the trick for me. Oh well...

quitter

There's a program on TV here now called "Locked Up". The plot is rather simple; a bunch of teens with a history of violence gets locked up in a prison to see what it's really about. Former convicts, now honest people, serve as role-models inside the prison.

I know that this is edited for TV, but this has to be the best show I've seen in a very long time. It makes me think about how I'd react if I had a child who acted the way these teenagers act. If my son called me "bitch" or "whore" I would sit down with him and have a very long, and very nice, conversation. If my son would smoke in front of me, I would search his room to find all his cigarettes and then I would make sure he smokes them all in a very short period of time. If my son ever layed a hand on me I am fairly sure I would make him wish he hadn't.

If my son thought that "respect" is something that you earn via violence and weapons, I would show him the difference and I would make absolutely sure that he understood it.

Mock me now...

Lately all I do is whine about how much I hate my neighbour. I complain so much that people turn their attention elsewhere when I start talking. I don't blame them for that. I don't blame them for having more fun things to do than hear a monologue from me again. I blame myself for not having anything else in my brain. I blame myself for thinking that not being able to remember what silence sounds like is a bad thing. I blame myself for not calling the police when it becomes too much for me, and I blamed myself when my best friend told me that she was sick of telling everyone about the reason to why I'm so boring these days. Travelling four hours every time I want to go to the university is exhausting, yes, but that's not the problem. Travelling has never been a problem for me. Travelling when you haven't slept properly is hard, yes, but that's not the problem either. Leaving an apartment when you're dead tired isn't very motivating, but coming home to a place that's supposed to be your home, that's supposed to feel comforting and safe, where you're supposed to feel relaxed and you don't feel any of it... Entering the front door and become so tensed that you get a headache. Waking up in the morning because someone above you is having a conversation. Having trouble reading because someone you share a wall with wants to hear music.

I've lived here for about a year and a half. A lot of my boxes are still unpacked. I don't have any curtains up. There are still holes from the last tenant in my kitchen and my hallway.
I feel more at home back at my parents, in the house which feels tinier than it did when I lived there. With that people I couldn't wait to get away from.

It's funny. When I sit and write here now I'm actually crying and when I look around I see my furniture and stuff - I don't really see the apartment.

I think it's time to move.

Love more!

• I love potatoes.
• I love mushrooms.
• I love meat.
• I love it when I don't have to cook it myself.

• I love a bright day.
• I love sunlight.
• I love myself.

Feels like a pretty darn good day!

withered rose

My motivation is completely gone. All I have at the moment is my will. Thank god I have a strong will. I'm gonna get through this, I'm gonna move and I'm gonna be able to open my hotel. Because I want to. Because I can.
It will take three years of deep-breathing, panicking and travelling, but I'm gonna do it. And if I can do it, then so can you.

Nothing takes the past away like the future.

Final Destination 3D is a very special movie. I'd put among the "blood and gore" rather than "thriller" or even "scary". It didn't have much of an original plot and several times I thought I was gonna throw up.
The 3D-thing was quite cool though - much better than those ugly red/green-glasses you had in front of the TV in the 1990's - but very, very hard on the eyes.

Ah... it's "otter"...

This is what I think about on the morning train:
One of my closest friends turns 23 today! I haven't said "congratulations" and we practically never speak anymore, but I still count her as a friend - we grew up together and were neighbours for more than 20 years.
It's quite funny that of all the people I spent every day and weekend with in high school, only one reamins my friend today.

In the morning there really isn't anything that can beat the sound of English with a really thick Swedish accent (google any Nobel Prize-award ceremony and you'll understand what I mean). I don't mean to mock these people because I know why they speak like that. (The vocal chords can't form the correct sound after a certain age; this is why adult immigrants always have an accent if they learn a new language whereas children don't.)

You know, I realised something on the bus this morning, and I'd like for you to let me finish before you start telling me that I'm a complete moron.
We like to argue for the fact that "everyone is equal". Everyone should have the same rights, no matter of age, gender, religious beliefs and so on and so forth.
When reading the newspaper I came across a few rows about a boat that had capsized. Some of the passengers died and among the dead were women and children.
I get it, I really do. Children are the future and women can carry life, right? I get it. I suppose that's also why they want "women and children" to get spots in the lifeboats before the men. Let's be honest - an article that said "boat tipped and 18 passengers died - 4 of them male" wouldn't really capture the attention. So how can we claim that everyone is equal?

Middaythoughts:
This lecture is so incredibly dull - nothing new, nothing new...

Afternoonthoughts:
Awww... chickens! They're so cute!