Why do I have a cut in my left indexfinger?

one thousand and one yellow daffodils

I feel dead. Broken. Empty. And full of hate.

I hate my job. I hate my work-hours. I hate that I want to keep it. I hate that I might get fired. I hate that I don't have an education. I hate that I want an education. I hate my parents. I hate this apartment. I hate this city. I hate my life. I hate feeling like a whore. I hate the guy who made me feel this way. I hate having feelings for a man. I hate men. I hate women. I hate people. I hate myself. I hate having anxiety attacks. I hate being dead. I hate being broken. I hate being empty. I hate the fact that I can't sleep. I hate that I want more. I hate that I can't be happy here. I just hate, hate, hate...

No wonder people get bored with me...

disaster

I feel rebellious today. I feel like breaking windows, destroying cars and telling old people that they suck. So I flat-ironed my hair. That's what I do when I feel rebellious. Change my hair... And not even permanent because I'm too scared for that. The only change of haircolour I do is if I spray it with some silly colour from a can - washable of course. I am a sad rebel.

My 100th entry was about sex - why am I not surprised?

Birthday celebrations tonight - salsadancing baby! Do you have any idea what my biggest problem about tonight is? I can't decide which socks I want. There was a time when this wasn't an issue - when the socks were just socks; there to be a little silly and cover the feet. Why oh why did I make my socks a part of my outfit?

My neighbours love me. Our relationship goes far beyond the normal - they play music for me in the middle of the night and I go up there and tell them how much they mean to me. They play RnB-music for me in the afternoon - I play highlights from the Eurovision history for them. I have to say I feel a bit sad now though... Their music isn't high enough for me to hear anymore...
"You actually listen to that?"
"You'd be surprised if you knew the truth..."
If you ever need a lifeline for a question about Eurovision - call me and I'll save you.

"American action - it's a default 3."

I wonder what it takes for a person to become a prostitute. A whore. What it takes to push someone over that edge and have sex for money. Some say it's just sex, others say it's something personal and I understand them both. It's just an animal instinct meant for reproduction and, in our case, pleasure, but to have it with people you don't know and get paid? To not know where you will end up and if you'll make it out alive?

I suppose it depends on where and how you grow up. I know that I will never be able to have sex with someone that I don't know - it's just too intimate for me. (Then again - I don't touch people unless I bump into them.) That doesn't mean that I haven't thought about it - prostitution would be easy money and I wouldn't be the one committing a crime. You see, here in Sweden it's illegal to buy sexual services, but not to sell.
They say that prostitution is the oldest job in the world and I know that a lot of countries down south have brothels. I had a friend once who said that he believed that brothels kept rapists from the streets because then they had someone to go to get their sexdrive satisfied. I asked him if he was serious and he was. I think he saw the brothel-prostitutes as just that; whores. Worth less than you an me. A whore can't get raped - she wants it - why else would she be there?

I suppose I shouldn't condemn these countries - we've had brothels here too - and I suppose that my friend did have some sort of valid point in his mind, but a rape is a rape. If it's in a back alley or a hotel suite - it'll still be a rape. Whether it's a man or a woman, it'll still be a rape. Whether there's payment involved or not, it'll still be a rape.
Yes, I've thought about it myself because it really would be easy, tax-free money, but no, I don't like the thought of getting raped.

We saw Die Hard today. A cavalcade in early 90's-fashion. Did you know that Bruce Willis puts on a different coloured shirt somewhere after the first 30 minutes of the movie? He's hot, old Brucie and yes, the movie was quite entertaining - very much above the average. I think I'll give it four plants out of five. I'm just not that into bang-bang.

I am incredibly zoomed out. I haven't been this distant in years - damn, I've missed it!

Death is nothing but a new beginning.

In my hood

There's a boy

Making girls breathless

Serving tea down on 39th street

And today

Even though

It may seem hopeless

I’ll go down on my stumbling feet

And ask him out - oh yeah

And if tonight

Turns into this "perfect tonight"

Then have a little mercy on my soul

And if the moon

Just lights up his devilish smile

It's gonna take a lot of manners to stop me from this:

Steal his precious first-date kiss

I'm so ashamed

I am weak

What a big failure

Couldn't speak, couldn't feel my own tongue

I’m such a fool

What can I say?

But today - trust me!

I will do a little better this time

And ask him out again

And if tonight

Turns into this "perfect tonight"

Then have a little mercy on my soul

And if the moon

Just lights up his devilish smile

It's gonna take a lot of manners to stop me from this:

Steal his precious first can-only-give-it-to-someone-special kiss

And if tonight

Turns into this “perfect tonight”

Then have a little mercy on my soul

And if the moon

Just lights up his devilish smile

It's gonna take a lot of manners to stop me from this:

Steal his precious first-date kiss

In my hood

There's a boy

Making girls breathless

I got asked out once. It was my third year of high school and I was having lunch with my friends in the school cafeteria when one of the guys from one of the international science-classes approached and asked me out. Me, him and a bunch of other people from his class had played cards together (we did that so much back then) since we started high school, but the two of us had actually never really spoken to each.
He surprised me so much that I had to think it over. And I did. And I never got back to him. Girls are nasty when they're 18.

I don't think I've ever asked someone out - I've asked for numbers, but not an actual date. The thought of "no, but thanks for asking" scares me. I have some... problems with taking "no" for an answer and I wonder how much courage that poor boy had to summon to ask me out.

I might loose my job. I might not. I might find out today, I might not. I might move abroad if I loose it. I might not.

I don't like my job all the time. I don't like this apartment all the time. I don't like living in this country all the time. But I don't want to loose my job. I don't want to have to sell my apartment and move back to my parents. I don't want to have to take a job as a telemarketer wondering if people would like to change their telephone company and get a free phone. I don't want to take a student loan to be able to cover the loan and mortage and bills I have now.

But I will.

If I loose my job I'll apply for that loan and a 2-year program in hotel management. I have no hopes of ever finishing it, but I'd rather try that than move back home to my parents.

unnecessarily useless

1. I own two wrist-watches, but always forget to use them. The only other watches I have are the ones in my mobile phone and on my computers.
2. I like wearing skirts in the winter - it's warmer than jeans however weird that may sound.
3. I have a dream of opening a hotel and every now and then I yell out because I see the perfect building.
4. I don't believe people who say they've seen a ghost even though I belong to them.
5. The first time I realised boys were more than just boys was when I stood at a beach in Spain in the summer of 2000. It was great!
6. I'm terrible at easy math, but quite good with third-degree equations (x3).
7. I have a very good memory for numbers and almost never speed-dial.
8. I have four different pairs of flip-flops - all in different colours, of course. (Only bought one pair though.)
9. I hate pantyhoses with a passion.
10. It was more than ten years ago that I had meat on my breakfast sandwhich.
11. When I was 18 I tried out to join the army. I declined the position I was offered, but at least I tried.
12. I think going to the loo is one of the best things I can do.
13. Since I moved away from home my eating habits turn more and more towards fish than meat. I think it's lazyness - I don't know how to cook meat properly.
14. I don't like to talk on the phone and my mobile phone calls are always very short - when I talk I always have the phone on the left side of my head (I'm right-handed).
15. I've always been a very proportional person (a.k.a. "skinny") and every family gathering my relatives asked me if I had an eating disorder. When I said no they asked my family if I was telling the truth. I don't speak to my relatives today.
16. I don't like birthdays, but praise myself in being very good at finding the "perfect present".
17. I've only had one boyfriend, he bored me after the third date, the relationship lasted three months and we didn't have sex.
18. My family has a history of heart attacks, cancer, alcoholism and recently we found out that my mother's cousin has Alzheimer's. My grand-mother died from a heart attack at the age of 53 and so did my mother's older brother. One of her younger brothers died at the age of 44 for the same reason. I used to be terrified that my mother would pass the same way. (She's 60 today.)
19. I've been able to play poker since I was about five years old. (Not said I do it very well though.)
20. I don't like having my picture taken and always do very silly faces or smile very very big when it happens.
21. I was born with my ass first and had a major surgery when I was three. I haven't been to the hospital since then other than to accompany or speak to someone.
22. I dislike the police. Very very much.
23. I've never held a lighted cigarette.
24. I can't walk in high heeled-shoes - that doesn't stop me from buying them though.
25. I'm good at making polite conversations - I usually just don't care enough about the other person to bother and I don't like other people.

Something's wrong - got a feeling that I don't belong...

I was afraid of the dark when I was a kid. My dad used to check under the bed for me since my imagination always ran wild. Once I was assured that no, there was nothing under my bed tonight either I could sleep.
When I was about 14 I wasn't afraid of the possible creatures under my bed anymore. I was afraid of the images that haunted me when I tried to sleep. Puberty, emotions and the history lessons about the Second World War made me fear myself. I started reading much much more than I had before. Books have always been very dear to me, but they became an addiction. Not having anything to read made me annoyed. Not to mention that my brain would haunt me. It sounds kinda stupid - haunted by your own brain. Mentally broken by your thoughts. Destroyed by images you make up.

This was ten years ago and I have come a long way since then, but when it comes to addiction... I still have it. Since I started playing World of Warcraft it's more or less resting, but once in a while I stumble upon something that just pushes away everything and takes me in. I'm there now. The lorestories about Warcraft (the computergame that World of Warcraft is based upon) is breathtaking. It combines the history of the game I love so much with myth and it's so well-written that I want to cry out in joy. This book made me realise why I love World of Warcraft so much - I started for the fantasy, I stay for the lore and the myths.

I had forgotten how good it feels to disappear into a book. Not having to deal with thoughts, issues, people or problems - just the book.