breaking apart

My baby is dead. My beloved, wonderful baby is dead and won't come back to me.

Jag kommer aldrig få krama honom igen, se honom vifta på svansen, komma springande med en leksak i munnen. Aldrig mer. Och det gör så jävla ont inuti. Det var meningen att vi skulle ta hand om honom och skydda honom och nu är han död för att vi tog beslutet att avliva honom. Jag vet att han har det bättre nu, jag vet det, men det hjäper inte att säga det. För oavsett var han är så är det inte här och inte hos mamma och pappa. Han kommer inte tillbaka. Aldrig mer. Tanken på det får mig att gråta så mycket att det känns som tårarna aldrig kommer sluta rinna. Jag vet att det kommer göra mindre ont med tiden och att jag inte kommer se framför mig hur min älskade vovve blir bränd i en ugn till aska, men nu... Nu är det det enda jag ser. Min älskade vovve...

pain

I'm not asking for sympathy - I'm just clearing my head. (This entry is for our beloved dog who we have to put to sleep today. Long live Rex the Labrador.)

It's not hard to keep the tears away. It should be, but it's not. Maybe it will be harder when I get home and there's darkness and silence and I start thinking. I don't know.

I miss him of course, but since I moved away from home I haven't seen him very much so I guess I got used to the thought of not having him around.

Right now I'm split in two parts; one completely rational part who knows that this was the best for him and that he's in a place without suffering now, and another who gets tears in her eyes when she realises that she'll never be able to hug him again. Ever. That's a hard insight.

I celebrate his life, I don't mourn his death. Over these 13 years he brought me so much joy that I will always be thankful. He will still mean the world to me. Always.

It could've been worse...

Today I woke up at 11am. Not incredibly early, but it's about 8 hours after I went to sleep so I think it's quite alright. The weather could've been better (grey dull skies and rain), but you can't have everything and I did feel quite happy with the world anyway.
My mood changed when I was playing World of Warcraft this morning. A lot. A bit too much to just be a minor setback in the game. (My guess is that I'm probably gonna have the tinyband orchestra visiting me soon. Hooray!) So from being a quite cheerful and happy person I became quite angry and annoyed - taking a shower didn't help at all and I ended up going to work completely pissed off, and I couldn't for my life remember anything in "The art of being happy" which is a bit embarassing to be honest.
It's first now that it's blown off and that was because of http://listverse.com/crime/top-10-evil-serial-killers/ - it could've been worse. (I remember hearing about the guy in ninth place on the news - it's so nice to realise that I'm not as sick as I think after all.)

- - - - - - - - - -

I have to stop checking lists. http://listverse.com/crime/top-10-most-evil-women/ (I read a story about #1 last year I think - she was just... I almost threw up.)

Last year 13000 people died in their beds and only 200 on the trains. From now on I'm not going to sleep in my bed. The train is good enough for me.

I have a thing for quotes. It's like a deep, old crush that never really went away. I used to have a habit of quoting things so much that one of my friends told me to shut up because she really wasn't interested. Since then I don't do it - unless there's a situation that really requires on of course...
Anyway, here are some I really like - all said/stolen by Mark Twain.

• Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. (The main reason I always admit my faults - well... that and the fact that there's no point in denying them anyway.)
• Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (See - health and stuff is just a fag. DON'T LISTEN TO IT!)
• Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. (Hear hear - dirty nudists!)
• Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
• I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened. (I'd never make a story up... ever...)

And of course the classic (which I never ever follow because it takes the fun away):

• It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

The art of being happy.

Which would you say is your most typical feature about your appearance? I think mine is my smile. (Although I can't say other people would agree on that...) I love to smile and laugh and I actually get shocked if people don't smile back at me. You know those beefy security guards - they can smile. Except that one in Edinburgh in 2005... I'm still shaken to the core!

Happiness is great, but it's also incredibly over-rated. You can't be happy all the time and it's completely okay not to be (regardless of what everyone else say). It comes in periods and you need the downs to appreciate the ups.
When I feel down I usually try to cheer myself up by thinking about funny things. A really silly joke, a very stupid conversation I've had - I have a few silly convos saved on my cellphone for those boring bus journeys. Sitting on a bus and wanting to laugh out loud over something private is horrible, because the more you want to, the more you realise that you can't and the harder it is to keep the laughter inside. (Before you nag at me and say 'of course you can' remember that I'm Swedish and don't show emotions to other people.)
If I feel incredibly down and a silly joke doesn't do the trick I tend to watch a really cute love-story - I know - I'm the cliché; the woman who sits in sweatpants under her cover and eats chocolate and watch the fates of other men and women. If I don't feel like love stories I usually end up watching a really depressing movie. The more depressing the movie is the better, because I get a perspective of how great my life really is. If this doesn't work I usually just go to sleep and wait for next day. Waking up to a new day makes me happy. Don't get me wrong - I don't always wake up with a smile on my face, but 85% of the times I probably do. My alarm sounds like one of those really old alarmclocks they always caricature in cartoons - you know that old clock that jumps up and down when it rings - and a friend of mine wondered how I can wake up in the morning and not hate the whole world when an alarm like that goes off at 5:40am in the morning. A new day, new possibilities. (Euch, what a cliché. This whole entry is just full of them!)

It's been showed (in some study somewhere made by someone) that if you smile for four minutes you will feel happier. It feels incredily stupid, but you will notice the result.
It's also been shown (in some other study somewhere else) that people who sing along to music loudly are happier. So the next time you feel like shite - just put on some music to match the mood and sing along!

What I really think makes a difference between happy people (like me) and none-happy-people (murderers) is the following:

1. I don't kill people.
2. I eat properly.
3. I can see the fun in rain when everything else goes to hell.
4. I know that it will get better.
5. I have enough time to sit down and write all this crap whereas they just shoot people.

Yes I know, that list made no sense what so ever, but did you smile?

Fooza!

I started writing on my CV today and I realised that my working experience is extremely limited. Then again - they want me back again and again so I must be doing something right.
After checking some adds for jobs in languages I don't understand I started checking educations. I know what I want to do now and I know how to do it, but change is scary, so we'll see how it ends. At least I've started and I think that's a good first step. (Or was it third? I can't remember.)
I also got that Dutch for Beginners-thing I wanted. There's no way in hell that I'll ever be able to do it correctly, but at least I'll be like the Germans when they speak English and people will understand what I say. (If worst comes to worst I'll just smile and nod and then excuse myself very politely in English.)

How I ever managed to play World of Warcraft on a computer with 256mb ram and a 14" inch bubblescreen really is way beyond me.