don't close your eyes

I don't like nights. As a kid I was afraid of the dark and even though I'm not anymore, I'm still not a fan of the blackness. Spending the last two months being awake during the sleeping hours makes me weird. Isolated and strange. The worst part is that you never really realise it yourself. I totally get how people become agoraphobic.

So just do it. Just get out of the bed in the morning, put your clothes on and go outside. It's so totally worth it.

When all else fails...

Spend all your time waiting

for that second chance

for a break that would make it okay

there's always some reason

to feel not good enough

and it's hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction

oh a beautiful release

memory seeps from my veins

let me be empty

oh and weightless and maybe

I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel

fly away from here

from this dark cold hotel room

and the endlessness that you fear

you are pulled from the wreckage

of your silent reverie

you're in the arms of the angel

may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line

and everywhere you turn

there's vultures and thieves at your back

the storm keeps on twisting

you keep on building the lies

that you make up for all that you lack

it don't make no difference

escaping one last time

it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh

this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel

fly away from herefrom this dark cold hotel room

and the endlessness that you fear

you are pulled from the wreckage

of your silent reverieyou're in the arms of the angel

may you find some comfort here

you're in the arms of the angel

may you find some comfort here

Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like. To disappear. To end it. Would it hurt? How long would it hurt? How would I do it? When I was younger I used to think about it quite a lot. Only thoughts though, never any actions what so ever. It doesn't stop me from wondering though...

Yah mon!

I just finished a paper about migration and you know what? I'm proud of it. It was fun to write and it was quite interesting to read and yes, of course I will translate it for you. I can't do it now though, would be a shame if they found it here and thought I just copied the whole thing, so I'm waiting a week or two before I translate it.

This feels good. Mentally. Or maybe I'm just too tired to actually feel bad about anything.

My dad turns 60 today. 60! It's just insane. My mom turned 60 two years ago and then I sent her (and my sister) on a one-week-trip to Mallorca. That won't work on my dad though. He'd enjoy it, but not really in the same way. So I've been thinking quite a lot on what to actually give him. You know, my dad is the kind of guy who wants a book or a sweater or you know, boring stuff. So to figure out what he actually wants but doesn't realise he want is quite hard. A few months ago it hit me though - my dad like sports. A lot. I think he gave that gene to my sister, because personally I don't really care. Except for championships - now there's a whole other story. Anyway, my dad loves football. And in my family we used to travel a lot when me and my sister were kids. So I figured - why not give him the opportunity to see a game in a European country of his choice? Quite good, huh? I know, I'm amazed myself. He's seen a high-risk-game in Italy once years ago and I know he really liked it so I can't wait to see his face. Although we haven't actually gotten the trip yet - it's a) too cold and b) his choice - not to mention c) since I'll send my sister with him I need the money first, haha.

Why do I smell liqorice in here?

feel the love

"I'm sorry, ladies, but if you don't want men staring at your bikinis

then it's really your responsibility to take them off."

Life's a mess - it's starting to show.

We were young we were wrong

We were fine all along

My neighbour moves a lot of furniture. You see, I started taking notes every time I hear something from up there and about 85% says "furniture is being moved". 10% says "screaming" and the other 5 says "screaming, loud discussions, furniture is being moved?".

I feel like one of those really old ladies who peek through the curtains and spy on their neighbours. My dad's one of those. He always told me off for doing it, but he does it himself. Haha, never really thought about that until now to be honest.

I really dislike living here, being an hour away from my closest friends (and, at times - my family). It's good thing it's only about 2½ years until I've finished my studies (if I actually manage to find my brain and study) and can move abroad. Then I'll only be about 2 hours away. With a plane...

rêveiller

I dreamt that I got shot. Apparently I was against some governmental thing (sounds like me anyway) and me and some friends (can't remember who) were standing with our hands in the air and soldiers were pointing guns at us. You know, the big ones that soldiers have. The one who pointed his at me either was, or looked exactly like, Matt Damon. (Yes, I know.) I moved a little and he told me not to. Then I lowered my right hand and leaned against the ground - to sit down - and he shot me. I saw him pulling the trigger and I heard the bullet being fired and I felt it hit the left side of my chest, right where my heart is. I slumped down on the ground and he looked completely horrified. I never saw any blood, but everyone stared at me so I think it was visible. I didn't feel cold, only very warm and I could sort of feel my life slipping away. I was just going to sit down... I told him. He looked even worse after that. Why isn't anyone helping me? At that point someone ran to call an ambulance but I knew they'd be too late. I tried to speak again but it just came out in very low whispers. Why isn't anyone putting pressure on the wound? The guy who shot me moved towards me when I said that - like it awoke him from a trance - but I never saw him get close enough. I died before that.

Tie?

St James's Park April 2nd 2005

I have a New Year's resolution - I know it's really silly and that it's always the first thing you break, but I figured, what the heck? So my promise for this year is to "Be Happy". Not eat better, not study more, not care more about myself. Just plain happiness.

Ooo chocolate...