Epiphany.

The problem is me.

Emotional overload...

My mind is spinning. It's spinning and I just can't get it to stop. Sometimes I wish I could just pull the head off and throw it away so it could spin somewhere else and not bother me. Not that I'm not used to it, because I am, but lately it seems to be spinning more than usual.
There's a sequence in one of the X-Men 2 where Brian Cox's character, William Stryker, tells Charles Xavier that his wife put a drill to her head in order to get rid of the images their son planted in her brain. It killed her of course, but at least she got rid of the images. It's a shame that wouldn't help me - you know, since I believe in reincarnation.

You know, sometimes when I look into a mirror I'm actually amazed of what I see there. It depends a lot on the mood, but lately I seem to like what I see even if the mind is spinning. I think I'm doing progress. Today I took out the trash and saw my reflection in the glass in the door and felt "I don't look that bad at all" - it felt great!

If I believed in psycology I'd find someone to talk to, but since I don't I'm just gonna deal with the spinning in my own way. You can't react to what you don't feel. I'll pull the emotions out next year and deal with them then.

My voice is poisoned

I'm not talking

My hearing is perfect

I'm not listening

I feel everything

I choose not to

and it's breaking me apart

Crackpotland.

You let me violate you

You let me desecrate you

You let me penetrate you

You let me complicate you

I broke apart my insides

I've got no soul to sell

The only thing that works for me

Help me get away from myself

I like crackpotland. It's a nice country. Inhabitants are happy and proud and they take matters into their own hands. They do what they have to do. I like to spend time here. I like to be happy and proud and I like to know that I'm capable of doing what needs to be done. I actually do have a plan with my life now. Step one is to sort it out. You know, pull my life together piece by piece and just sort it. So I checked driving schools. It went fine until I came to the pricelist and it somehow got very real. Not because of the money - that doesn't bother me - but just the whole thing with driving a car. I have no idea why it's freaking me out, but I just can't do it. It's like the diving-incident all over again. Creepy.
So I'm going to step two which I think is learning Dutch. Found a site with curse words and figured that as long as I know how to curse and greet people I'd be set for a while (http://www.youswear.com/ - not sure how reliable it is though). I already know 'dankjewel' which, even though I strongly believe so, does not mean the same as 'danskjävel' (Danish bastard), but 'thank you'. (Yes, I know - just weird.)
Step three would be to actually find out what I would like to work with. I mean, ink is nice and all, but I don't really feel like spending the rest of my life here. I suppose finding out which country I'd like to spend my days in would be in this step too.
The fourth and last step would be to sell my apartment and move to another country. Yeah... like that's ever gonna happen. It's usually most talk anyway.

You tear down my reason
It's your sex I can smell
You make me perfect
Help me become somebody else

I wonder what makes a person selfish. How long does it take to find out if someone is selfish or not? And do they know themselves? Are they actually aware of it? Hrm, maybe. Every now and then I wonder if I'm a selfish person. I don't really think I am. I think I care too much about how others feel to be selfish. That might just be me though. I might be selfish without knowing. Be a doll and tell me then, will you? (I know - I just wanted to use that expression.) Saves us both a lot of trouble. Then again... they say 'bad girls suck, good girls swallow' - I don't do either. Maybe I am selfish.

Through every forest
Above the trees
Within my stomach
Scraped off my knees
I drink the honey, inside your hive...
You are the reason I stay alive...

My life isn't bad. It's actually pretty damn good. But I know how to make it even better. Crackpotland is great!

Random thoughts.

I love languages. I really do love them; the way you write, speak, think. I love the fact that everyone speak their language in the same way even though they don't speak the same language. People in the UK speak English the way I speak Swedish and if I start speaking English they will understand what I say. The same goes for other languages as well of course - I think that's why I'm so keen on learning new ones. I love the thought of being able to speak to everyone in their own language. Not that I speak to people though, but you know, if opportunity should arise.


You know, I've made some really bad decisions during my 24 years of walking this earth. Really, really bad. But starting to play World of Warcraft might be one of the dumbest decisions ever. The way that game can take over your life is just... creepy. It makes you spend hours in front of the computer screen, speak to people you would never have met otherwise, laugh while sitting in a room all alone. See - creepy. I just want to make this clear to everyone as time is ticking for the release of the expansion. You know, when I'll once again sit alone and laugh and spend hours and hours in front of the computer screen.


I'm chopping Cousin It next week. It's just his time to go.

Nice and slow.

I love neighbours. They have to be the best invention ever! I mean, is there anything better than not having to waste energy and electricity by putting on music when they do it for you?
If this apartment didn't have such a good location and such a low rent I'd move. Out in the woods where no one would ever bother me. Except all the cute little animals. And the dwarfs. Oh wait, that's Snowhite...

Time to celebrate the post-birthday. Hooray! I love opening presents because there is so much in the world that I need and can't get myself. Okay, this is getting too bitter - fucking neighbours.

Yawn.

It's now 3:39am, I've been awake since about 2am and there's no reason for me to go back to sleep seeing as I have to get up again in two hours to get to work. Then again, I shouldn't be whining - I fell asleep at 7:30pm in front of my TV (just like that proper factory worker does) and it was gooood...
I have no idea what I'm going to do now though - might start writing my CV, I don't have one at the moment. Or I might start checking options for another job in another country. Or I might just have breakfast and watch the Simpsons. I think that would be good too...

Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away...

Nothing else got fucked up. Well, there was the incident with the trainticket machine who didn't really like my card, but that got solved when I went to the train information.
Something I've learned while polluting the air as much as I do is that even if you get a really cheap flight there will always be some sort of catch. An airport away from the city (not that the airplane should land in the city), uncomfortable times, double taxes... Hrm, I think I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to flying. Then again, after a few times you realise that even if you get a really good price you'll loose it in time.
KLM is a really good company. Overpriced as hell, but good. SAS are good too, but too unreliable with all the strikes they have every now and then. Easyjet are cheap, but have uncomfortable times and land outside the city. Ryanair isn't really on my good list - they're not bad, they're just not that good. British Airways are the best without competition. Shame I'm not a businessman and can afford their insane ticket prices.

The Netherlands is a fun country. It looks pretty much like the Sweden I'm used to, they drive on the right side of the road and the language is insane, but really cool to listen to. (I know, I'm just too obsessed.) They don't take of their shoes though. They walk straight into the homes with their shoes on. Apparently they "don't want sweaty footprints all over the floor", which, I suppose, is a fair reason, but is dirt from outside better?
It's probably just me. I'm used to taking my shoes off so I do it. Then again, here you usually do take your shoes off - not sure why though... Might be because we want to show of our socks...