"Nazan mourns the death of Nazan."

When I was a child me and my friends used to go ice skating with down by the sea close to where I lived. I never referred to it as "sea" though, always "the lake". Don't ask me why, it was just one of those things and no, it was not a lake, it was the sea between Sweden and Denmark which, of course, is a rather small sea but a sea nonetheless. I always wore a helmet (like a good girl) and when we were tired of ice skating we used to take a break and drink hot chocolate while sitting on some padded thing to keep the cold off. I have no idea what this padded thing is in English, but in Swedish it's "sittunderlag" which I guess can be translated into "sitting underlay". Basically, put it on the ground and plant your ass on it. Then stay. Stay...
When I think back on it I realise that nature really is taking a toll for the worse. I remember one winter when the ice was a decimeter thick. That's quite a lot for being so far south (up north they drive cars across the lakes, I know, it's craziness). I don't think it's ever been that thick again, but I haven't really dared to try it either. There's something weird about growing up and realising again and again that "maybe it's not safe" and thus not wanting to do it. It's like buying your first insurance and going over different options. A part of you just dies of shame there and then. "What happened to you? You used to be cool." I guess that's why adults who do really weird things to feel alive again are just looked at as escaped mental patients by their children. It's not the same, you know. No matter if the children do the exact same thing or not, it's just not the same if their parents do it.
A part of me wants to be "the cool and hip mom". Another part wants to be the mother who always has a fresh batch of cookies from the oven or can whip up muffins in a heartbeat because the kids would love some zucchini/apple/banana/chocolatechip-stuff. A third part is looking at the workaholic and thinks "hrm, that might be me". One thing I know for sure though and that is that no matter what I'll do I will end up being embarassing. No matter how much I try not to, I will make my children wish I never had done that thing, whatever it is. That's why I've decided to be a really embarassing mother. Hug them extra long in front of their friends. Ask them if they want some cookies and soda when they bring their friends over. You know, all those things that are just... oh, my god, so embarassing! 'Cause you know what, if nothing else - at least I want to get some fun out of it!