VIDECORAD! *cool sound-effect*

Johnny Mnemonic will be shown on TV here on Friday. I saw that movie once. It was 14 years ago on a busride home from Gothenburg with my class and I have a suspicion that I found it a bit scary. (We had some lottery-thing in the class when we got home and I won the movie. I didn't want it.) Then again - at that age I found pretty much everything scary. I have to see it again - if not for anything else, then because Keanu Reeves has about as much facial expression as a dishrag.

No sugar, no more. I'm quitting. For real this time. It hurts me to go on and as a friend pointed out for me a while ago "you don't seem really happy lately so why take away the small things that make you happy". So I'm quitting. From now on it's sugar in cakes, icecream, soda, candy, cookies... the list goes on. And I've noticed an incredible improvement in my mood. Sure, my neighbour still annoys me and I wouldn't mind keelhauling him (such a good word that - taste it; "keelhaul"), but school is going quite well, I don't feel sick every time I have to start my 2-hour-travelling-time and yes, I feel that I can actually make it.

The hardest thing about studying is that you have to cut your expenses. A lot. For me that means cutting down on my very luxurious lifestyle. Oh wait - it doesn't since I don't have one! I didn't even cut down on my travelling, even though that's one expense I shouldn't have. I don't think I could live without going away every now and then and today I realised that I'll get my tax-money during this summer. That helps my plan about not taking student-loans next semester and still being able to go abroad this summer. I'm sick. I need help. Fuck it, I'm happy!

Will your system be alright?

I'm on a bus. At 6:52am on a Friday. And said bus is at the university I study. It feels soooo good not having to go off here.
So far I've been on said bus for about 53 minutes and that means that I have 4 hours and 7 minutes left. Wonderful. Like my ass didn't hurt before from all those hours on my couch playing that blasted computergame. At least I found the Internetconnection though. Completely unprotected, but still - I can entertain myself! Hooray!
So why five hours on a bus? Well, I'm going to visit a friend this weekend. Or well, not as much visit as forcing him to watch Eurovision Song Contest with me. And get an exchange of environment. My part of Sweden is flat and from above it looks like a quilt and his part of Sweden is stoney and not flat.

So far I've read the newspaper, read my labour rights-assignment once and enjoyed a lovely sunrise. Not too shabby. Did I mention that I only got like 3 hours of sleep? That's what I get for being an idiot and spending half the night speaking to people online.

Did somebody take your tongue?

My wall is full of bubbles. A bit of me is afraid they won't go away. Why it's full of bubbles? Oh, I painted it from "regiment beige" to "white" with a friend yesterday. I figured it'd be easier to sell my apartment if I make it "neutral" (god, I hate that word). The wallpaper was a lot bubblier yesterday though (can I say that?) so maybe they will away. Otherwise I'll just have to fix it, I guess.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to lift a 40"-tv up in the air if you're not two metres tall and named "Burt"? Didn't think so. It's really hard. I managed of course, since I'm just that good, but then we had the moving of the movies. I've never realised it - but I have a sick amount of movies. And I keep forgetting which ones I have - or well, I know if I'm not at home, but when I'm at home wanting to watch one I never really think of which ones I actually have. So now I found Valentine which is like the shittiest horror-movie ever made, but has some quite inventive kills. And I found out Katherine Heigl was in it so I figured it's worth a watch. Oh, did I mention that it's VHS? Back to the glory days!

Cherry Blossoms

There are days when your actions save you. Like not crossing the street for some reason and a maniac drives so fast you would've died if you actually had walked. Or when you really feel like ordering, say chicken, at a restaurant, but you change your mind at the last minute and order fish instead and then find out that everyone who ate the chicken got really really sick. None of these have actually happened to me lately, but today I decided to check my university e-mail with a risk of being too late for the bus and there was a mail saying that today's mandatory lecture was cancelled. It's a bit of an anti-climax though, because I wasn't planning on being home before 5pm and now I have all day. Yea, I know it can't really be compared to any of the above, but well, this is my writing and I write whatever I want to, damnit!

I've been feeling great for almost a week now and then I've still:

• Missed the exam I had last Monday because some egghead cut some wires on the trainstation and cancelled all trains to and from said station
• Been woken up at 3am twice this week because my neighbour is... I'm stopping here for security reasons, haha.

I don't know - I still manage to be happy and smiling and I like it! Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Most of the people in my class have anxiety over the last exams. I don't. I got 4 exams in 8 days so there's not really any time to panic. So as I say every Monday: "We don't do this because it's easy - if we wanted something easy we wouldn't be here!" (Actually I say "if we wanted something easy we'd do 'Trial of the Crusader', but I figured the other way would be better here.) I mean, now we're reading labouring rights and "Employment Protection Act" and "Union participation in decisionmaking regulated by law" ('Co-deciding-law' in Swedish - much easier). This is one of the exams a lot of people freak about. Personally I really want to have it - if there's something in writing I can use then I will find it. Especially since we're allowed to bring the laws to the exam (without writing in them of course). What I've learned so far is that I can claim whatever I want - as long as I can prove it in the law somewhere. Yesterday I claimed that it wasn't wrong to get drunk at work as long as one can still handle the job. Yes, of course I know it's not alright - but we have a very self-absorbed little girl there who always has to be right (no, not me - yes, one would think, I know) so of course I had to...

The question was: Thomas Beaver, responsible for forklift drivers, has been intoxicated by alcohol now and then and every now and then he pats and hugs female personnel. Is it alright to terminate his employment?

As I wrote earlier nothing here says that he can't do his job and there's nothing saying that he's actually a danger since he's in charge of the forklift drivers. He probably does drive a forklift himself, but the question doesn't tell us. So how about harassment of the female employees? Well, there's nothing saying that they don't enjoy it or do the same thing themselves. Yes, I could answer like this on the exam and then refer to some section in the law. I love this!

imagine

It's my mother's birthday today and I haven't gotten her a present. It's mother's day next Sunday and she won't get a present then either. It feels a bit mean, especially since I took my sister to Stockholm and I'm going away again next weekend, but it completely slipped my mind that it's her birthday. Until she told me. Two days ago. That's enough time to buy a present - and still... I haven't.

My sister took the bus here yesterday evening. At like midnight. And by then I wanted to sleep, but I said sure - come over. Now, this wouldn't have been a problem really... if she took the right bus. Which she didn't. So about two hours later she arrived here.

Today our dear mother is gonna pick us up here and drive us home to our parents and we're gonna celebrate her birthday with dinner. I think that'll be nice. At least I hope it will be.

love hurts

This weekend in Stockholm I dreamt that I had an opossum. It was a really cute opossum, but for some reason I was terrified that it was going to bite me so I didn't want to be near it. Sometimes I really don't understand my dreams.

Lately I've been thinking quite a lot about the Belgian guy and whatever it was he and I had. For some reason I find myself looking back with a kind of longing for one specific moment. It was really annoying until someone told me that memories of feelings and emotions stay much much longer than the actual feelings themselves. I don't actually miss him, I just miss that special moment, but if I could relive it today I would do it with someone else. I wouldn't want to do it with him. I still owe him a lot though - wouldn't be where I am and do what I do if it hadn't been for him. And I wouldn't know a lot of the wonderful people I do. So thank you for ruining my life - it was the best thing that happened to me.

ray of sunlight

Happiness is to wake up when your alarm rings, not being terribly tired and then finding out you don't have to get a move on until 11am... I know, it's a bit stupid of me to be happy about this - especially since my alarm went off at 7:15am, but the sun is shining outside and the weather's wonderful so I just can't be upset. Of course, I did sleep very well for eight hours and my headache's gone (for now) so I'm just enjoying myself right now.

Time for some Björk I think - it fits this mood.

If you die I will dance on your grave.

There are different kinds of headaches. The one I hate the most is the tension headache. The hard kind. It's the kind that won't go away until you go to sleep or drug yourself so hard that you become unconscious. The light kind is when you (as a woman) put up your hair too tight. I'm not sure if there's a male equivalent though. I'll get back to you on this.
Then there's the sickness headache. You know the one I mean - it usually goes with a cold or a fever or some other illness. Usually I drug myself to unconsciousness when that one pops up.
Then there's the stupidity headache. The one you only have yourself to blame and that arrives when you don't eat or drink properly. It's easily solved by just putting food in your mouth, chew said food and then swallow. No, oral sex doesn't count as food and will thus not solve this kind of headache. (Hold the sex-thought a bit, I'll get back to it.)

I once read that headaches happen because the blood vessels don't widen enough which keep you from getting enough oxygen into the blood, which in turn leads to a headache. It makes sense, because if you have a headache and you sit down and just focus on your breathing then it usually eases a bit. It does depend on the kind of headache though. Migraine's a bitch you just can't get rid of. It's like a bad one-night-stand that just won't leave you alone. It was fine the night before, but wow did it turn out wrong in the morning? (I'm just rambling on here - I don't really know about one-night-stands.)

Most headaches can be solved with relaxation. People who are relaxed and happy rarely have headaches. Have more sex with someone you like. It will make you relaxed (if done properly of course) and hopefully it'll make you happy due to the release of endorphins.

"The great state of Vermont will not apologise for its cheese."

/William H. Macy in "Thank You for Smoking"

My head hurts. It hurts so much that I'm having trouble sitting up straight. It wouldn't be a problem if I could just go lie down, but sadly I have an exam I have to do. Brilliant. Trying to find answers to questions when my head wants to be split in two. Maybe that'll help me though. If my head splits in two - then I'm bound to get all the answers out.

shoebox

At the moment I'm located on the top of a bunk-bed watching Speed on TV. Why? Well, tomorrow I'm gonna take an exam in Dutch reading profiency and in order to do that I need to be in Stockholm, the capital of Sweden. I've never been here before and to be honest - I've never really wanted to go here either. The hate between proper Scanians and Stockholm-people is just rooted too deep in me, but I figured that I wanna take the exam and apparently I need to go away so what the hell - might as well go there.

So far I've figured out that the hotel was really hard to find, I get insanely worked up if I don't know exactly where I should go, the green tube-line is not the red tube-line and it's actually possible to ask people for directions and help. I've also found out that if I want to go by train on an expired ticket I just go up to the counter, look cute and confused and ask if my ticket is valid. (In my defence I actually didn't know if it was valid.) Fine, so maybe I didn't look cute and confused - maybe the guy behind the counter just wanted to get rid of me because he couldn't understand what I'm saying. (Think American hillbilly and you're on the right track here.)

Ah, apparently my sister wants my laptop now - I did bring it for her enjoyment while I study - aren't I like the bestest sister there is?!

big apple

I have exercise pain. I know that it's not a proper word, but if I translate the lovely Swedish word "träningsverk" [traeningsveark] I get "delayed onset muscle soreness", "charlev horse" (everyday sport) and "muscle fever". I have no idea which one it is - but if I'm allowed to use 50-50 I'd go for the first one.
So why pain? Well, yesterday my uni-class were at something called "the house of challenges". We were all pre-divided into groups and I really liked the people I was with so we all had a good feeling. I did warn them though about me apparently being a bad loser - something I don't agree with myself, but something I've heard from others. It's not my fault that I'm a bit competetive...
Anyway, we started and by the first break my team was in the lead. By the dinnerbreak we were 800 points ahead of the second team (or so I heard) and by the end of the day we'd made the highscore-list and were about 150 points away from "all-time-high". That was a bit annoying, but oh well - we won! And what do I get? Exercise pain! And an insane headache. You know, if your body pumps adrenaline like hell a whole day that adrenaline will go somewhere once the body stops pumping it. I think it all went up into my head and built a nest. But oh well - it's nothing that some sleep can't solve.

So what happens now?

Time and time again I've said that I don't care

That I'm immune to gloom

that I'm hard through and through

But every time it matters

my words desert me

So anyone can hurt me

and they do

My hands are cold.

Sometimes I think about going away. Just disappearing. Pay for a trainticket with cash and then go somewhere south and then just disappearing. I think I'd be good at that. Be gone for about ten years and not talking to anyone except the African tribe with whom I'm now staying, but then some National Geographic-guy would probably show up to take some pictures and write a story and just ruin it for me. I can see it happen. That's the major reason to why I haven't done it yet. That and the fact that I like this world. Mostly.

"it's somewhere between scania and scone"

Today it's all about love. I love my toilet - it has to be the best invention ever. Don't get me wrong - I love it because it's close and mine, but I would love it just as much if I lived in the woods and it was out in a shed with a heart on the door. It's the toilet-invention. Wow.
Then there's the tampon. That is the best invention ever for women. I wanna praise the Egyptians for coming up with it (like so many other stuff for that region of the body). Did you know that the name is French and that it means "plug" or "stopper"? I didn't. Interesting stuff you find when you google this new thing called "the internet". Amazing.

Fantasy.

You know, I really wish that I was 3 metres tall and blue. I also wish that I lived in a completely different world with floating mountains and weird semi-birds. A part of me also wants to have the tail-sex in a tree that looks like a disco-version of Grandmother Willow from Pocahontas. There's just something about a grey sky and clouds full of rain that doesn't satisfy you as much as a place full of colours. I would, of course, also love to be able to handle a big bow and be lethal and deadly. That'd be cool.

When I was a kid I always wanted to live in a wooden treehouse. With a swimming-pool and bridges (is that really the right word?) and all that. All my bad drawings were of that. To some extent I still want that. I wanna live in the jungle with minimal clothing and swing from tree to tree. Then there's the modern me who doesn't like to dirt under her nails, who's terribly afraid of snakes (imagine swinging like Tarzan and then grab a snake - iiih!) and who knows that she'd be an easy prey for most predators there. So I'll just stay here, watch Avatar, eat my porridge and look out through my window. And I know that one day I'll be there, in the jungle, taking pictures and for a little while I will be that blue girl with a tail.

simplicity

Sometimes I consider including my World of Warcraft-playing into my CV. Not that I actually have a CV, but you know... when I decide to sit down and actually fix one. I mean, I could write that I "once a week work together with a group of people to solve a specific task" couldn't I? And it wouldn't be a lie now, would it? Because I do that. It's just that I play a computergame with them, but you know, it's still towards a common goal? I'll get back to you on this.

Do you ever find yourself sitting and knowing that you have to do stuff but just don't do them? I call that "zooming out". You're present both mentally and physically, but somehow you're also not present. It's not a bad thing really - it's a nice relaxation - but it's awfully annoying when you have a trillion things you should do. I think I really need to plan my time better. I suppose that's one good thing about having 2 hours to the university - at least I get my studying done on the train...

This entry is so not even worth being posted, but I'm gonna do it anyway. Gotta entertain the masses (= my other 4 alter egos).

Arrows.

Yesterday me and some friends discussed food. One of them came up with the idea that everyone should use drip because then we'd never have to eat again. Being me I didn't agree of course. Imagine not being able to eat that amazing dish of pasta or fish. The answer was that we could eat if we wanted, but that we actually didn't have to if we didn't feel like it. I'm still sceptical. Sure, there are days when I don't feel like cooking, but I don't wanna skip meals like that. I mean food... mmm... food...
You know, one of the best experiences I've had was a simple burger on Westminster bridge in London on April 2nd 2005. We still don't know if the burger was that amazing or if it was the whole experience and the hunger that made it. Another experience was a piece of a haggis at the back of a tourbus in Scotland on August 31st 2005. It was amazing.
Both of these experiences probably depend on the surroundings more than the actual food, but isn't that the whole thing? You're so used to stuff that when you do something unusual it becomes amazing? Hrm, maybe my friends are right about the drip-theory after all...