Monday, 10 August 2009

brain of mush

In about two hours I'll have told my boss that if work and studies become too much for me I'll quit my job. The job I've had on and off since 2005 and took rather than read a course in children's literature. That I kept rather than going abroad and work. That I went to every day when I wanted to kill myself.
In two months' time I might not have that job anymore. I'm not really sure how it works, I've never quit a job before. Now I can't even write, I just keep staring...

It took me many years to realise what I wanted to do for the rest of my life and now that I have a chance, a real shot, at trying it, my mind goes blank. I suppose that's what it's like when you know that you're life is changing. It was the same when I bought my apartment. When I fell in love. When I got accepted to the University five years ago. The same incredible joy - the same blank mind. This is all that... and so much more. I'm actually willing to end everything I have for something new. And now I feel the adrenaline pumping, haha.

I applied because I thought I was going to loose my job. Then I got to keep it and I got placed on the reserve list. Now, about a month later I feel so bored at work that I feel like setting a coatpile on fire just to get some action and I find out that I'm admitted. You know, people tell me that they don't believe in fate, but how can they not? A friend told me that he could go as long as "karma" - you know, good things happen to good people - and I suppose that'll have to do.

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