H o o r a y ! ! !

I had so many plans for today. Do some shopping and get Simpsons season 11 (special edition of course), have breakfast, do some laundry and some packing.
Instead my day starts with getting an sms at 7:40am from a friend with the text "please tell me you didn't book your flight with Sterling". If I work eve-shift I'm not awake at 7:40am normally. I checked my phone, read the message and thought 'fuck, they're going on a strike - I should check it. Ah, sod it - I'll do it later'.
I woke up again at 11:30am because the phone rang and then I realised I had to answer and I also had to check this Sterling-thing. Bankruptcy. Hooray. And I was about to fly to the Netherlands tomorrow. Amazing. Wonderful way to wake up in the morning. Anyway, I did my shopping (even if I didn't find the Simpsons' box) and then I went home to sort my tickets. Not to honk my own horn here or anything - but in about an hour I had new tickets and information about how to get my money back. I'm still a bit annoyed by the whole thing - the lack of information mostly, this can't have come as a shock to the management. I got my tickets about a week ago - did they not know?!
Anyway, to make this boring story short - I only did my shopping. Half of it. My breakfast was crackers my co-workers gave me. My laundry is still unwashed and I have to pack tonight. All because I want to get away for my birthday. Right now I'm just waiting to see what else will fuck up. Not that I'm negative in any way - just because I know that crap stuff never happens alone. (Yes, I know - I'm pushing it.)

Sunshine and daisies.

"January 27th 2006 9:53pm:
Have you ever had an anxiety attack? Imagine in that case that you don't know why it happens to you and that no one you know get anything like it. None of your friends have insane sleeping disorders, they don't make their stomaches hurt, they don't have trouble breathing. Imagine that you've had the attacks since you were about 14 years old and that you're 21 now. That's 7 years. When you're 18 you study psychology because you find it interesting and realise that you're having anxiety attacks. Not that the knowledge makes it better or worse, but it's quite nice to see what happens to you written down in a book. You get some clean months and then you can't take it anymore so you speak to someone to find out if you're insane. You're not. You're not alone either. You're just empathic. A lot of compassion. You leave and feel that now when you know what it means and why it happens you'll get rid of it. Yes, I thought so too. Then I realised that you'll never be free from it - you just have to choose how you want to live your life. You have to choose what you watch on TV, read in books and magazines, hear from others. The positive thing about this is that you know how to prevent it. The negative is that if you, like I did yesterday, push an attack away it'll still bubble. It feels like there are rocks in my stomache that pulls all of me down and why? Because I saw a movie yesterday. A movie, that, even if it's inspired by reality, still is made-up. I knew that I shouldn't have seen it, I knew it, but I really wanted to because I thought it was interesting. Now I only have myself to blame. That's probably the worst part. You can't be curious because it'll come back to you in such a way that you wish you were dead."

I think I grew out of this as well. Either that or I just keep myself awake too long to care about anything but sleep...

Insanity

I like colour. Red, green, yellow, you name it. I'm one of those people who enter a shop and see a sweater they like and buy it. Then realise that the sweater comes in 4 other colours and of course get one of each colour. Why? Because I like to wear jeans and a t-shirt and since no one ever looks at the jeans you can always pretend you have a new outfit.
Another thing I really love about colour is that you'll always have something to match the mood. If you feel depressed and want to be that for a while - go black. If you feel boring - go grey. If you're happy - go yellow. Personally I like to go for one specific colour every now and then - all grey, all green, all blue. Never all black though - I need another colour to break off then, otherwise it just gets too depressing.
My absolute favourite colour is green - all kinds of green - and I love to wear it. But when I feel a bit down I put on something red. Why? Because with red you just can't be blue.

People see what they want to see.

Every now and then I like to claim that "I live in a bubble". It usually comes up when I encounter something I didn't know about, but also when there's something I don't want to know.
Everywhere in the world there are problems and pain, but people choose to look the other way. They watch the news and they feel bad, so incredibly sad it almost hurts, for those poor people who have to run from their homes, who see their loved ones being brutally murdered, who experience wars first hand. They sit in front of their television sets, in their comfy sofas and feel bad for not being able to do anything. Then they switch the channel and laugh at some silly entertainment show. Soon they forget all about wars. All about pain. All about misery and death. But for the minutes the war report lasts they can feel it. Never like the people in it, of course, but somewhere in the back of their heads they start wondering what it'd be like to have to run from your home, flee your country, watch your family get raped, tortured and murdered. All because you're different. All because you got in the way of a conflict between people you don't know. All because you believe in something else. For a few minutes.

I know. I'm on of them. I live in a bubble. If there's something I don't want to see, I simply switch the channel.

Nothing is what it seems to be.

Found some entries I wrote five years ago when I went through some stuff. It's kinda cute how the thought of homeworks and a long day at school makes you go "AAAAAAAAAAAA!". For some reason I thought I was the same person as then, but when I read through some of them I realised that I probably just look the same. Or maybe the things that meant so much back then means so little now... Maybe I just grew up somewhere along the way without really noticing it myself... I think I've become more serious over these years. I suppose that's what happens when you grow up. Things become funny in a different way, annoying in another way and I can't remember how it used to be. Maybe I'm just having a down-day. Maybe I am less serious normally. Or maybe I'll end up not understanding these entries in ten years time...

Go with the flow...

This week I made the sugarvow. Again. It's a really good thing - no sugar in form of candy, soda or other unnecessary stuff. The abstinense is painful as hell, but once you get past that point you really notice the difference. That is of course if you get past it. If the smalltownband orchestra doesn't come to visit you. Haven't seen them for a while, but they dropped by yesterday and are still rumming around in my stomache. Ah well, only shows I'm 'normal' I suppose. Since I'm training up my boundaries when it comes to certain subjects I'm not going into too much information. (I know, it hurts inside.)

Gonna meet Bubbles tomorrow and show him around Copenhagen. I hope it doesn't rain too much - I love rain, but I love it more if I'm inside than out in it. (He still sees me as a nice person. Poor poor Bubbles.)

I have tickets to Depeche Mode. I am happy. My intestines are made of cells. I am not a robot.

Anyway... I'm going with the flow now. It's easier.

Shatter.

I used to wonder how it'd feel to loose someone I love. Why the people in the movies yelled 'NOOOOOOO!' and then just dropped wherever they stood. Why not sit on a bench or a chair or at least somewhere that's a bit cleaner than the ground? I got a first-hand lesson in that myself this year. I suppose I should be grateful, I always want to know more about things. You see, when you sit on the ground, you can't get any further down. It's quite reassuring to know that you actually can't sink any deeper. A chair can break, a bench can fall apart, but the ground will be where it is.

He tried to make his feelings for me dead for him. It's a shame that he in the process made my feelings for him fade and disappear. What's left are the memories of the feelings I once had. I don't remember what he looks like. I don't remember his smile. I don't remember his voice. He honestly doesn't mean anything to me anymore. The memories will never fade, but they don't affect me anymore. I have moved on.

Love is an illusion. It's up to us if we want to believe the illusion or not.

Everywhere all the time.

You know, there are some things I really like to do. Enjoy the sunlight, read a book, watch a really depressing movie... and of course - annoy people. Seriously, it really is a lot of fun to watch someone go from a sane reasoning person to a screaming, steaming pile of anger.
When I went to high school I had a teacher in biology who not only had a thing for fruit flies, but also had a certain liking to me. Apparently the flies 'are fascinating because you can observe several generations over just a few weeks' and his graduation project was about this amazing species only he 'had blind females and males without wings so there was no mating there'. Why do I still remember this 4 years later? Well, mainly because you really can't forget a guy like that and mainly because he kept going on about this flies for ages. I keep wondering if I got my A because I actually was really good (I have a thing for biology) or because he liked me more than he should... smth tells me it's the second reason.
Anyway... I kept annoying him by trashtalking down pretty much anything he said - well, not really trashtalking... more like questioning it... Just a tip - if you're at the museum watching dinosaurs with your biology teacher and you're a bit bored... just claim that the dinosaurs are made up figments of imagination and that the skeletons are made of plastic. I got so many peeps on me for that comment, but I stand by it. Have you ever seen a live dinosaur? No? Oh, I wonder why. Yes, of course I know they died out by starvation, heat or that meteor crash but seriously, don't you think it's a teeny tiny bit odd? These really big things have walked this planet and then 'poof!' gone. I believe more in Adam&Eve and the Garden of Eden than I believe this crap. (Not appreciated either I can tell you. Especially not if you study science.)
Now, before you go mental and tell me that I'm the most ignorant person to ever walk this planet - I know that birds are remnants from dinosaurs, I'm well aware that humans used to climb trees and I know about the 'Big Bang'. I just choose to disagree with it. Why? Because the look on people's faces when I tell them 'Big Bang never happened - Adam&Eve is just as true' is priceless!

Paranoid.

Why is it that you're very certain of some things and very uncertain about others? Why do you listen to that little voice in the back of the head who always tells you that you're never good enough? No matter what other people tell you, you just can't believe it. It sort of feels like they've all spoken to each other and agreed to tell you the same things. It's probably true what they say because why else would they say it, but somehow it's just not believable.
I'm probably just stupid who listen to the voice. I actually thought I'd manage to press it so deep down it'd never come back. Guess I was wrong. The thoughts are always there... lingering... waiting...

I'm a happy person. I'm a funny person. I'm a smart person. I'm a lonely person. I don't want to be in love. I don't want to loose myself. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to hurt me. I don't want the voice in my head who tells me I will never be good enough...

No wonder I get tics.

8:33am... I have get away from here or I'm gonna hurt someone soon.

Sun is shining... how nice...

I like to see myself as a nice, understanding, peaceloving person. I think I'm fairly reasonable. It takes a fair amount to piss me off... but there is something that really makes me angry and that is being woken up. Don't get me wrong - it depends on the reason of course, but if I'm set on sleeping and someone wakes me up... Let's just say I'm not 'sunshine and daisies'.
My neighbours played music at 2am. That didn't make me happy. I didn't wake up happy at that hour. Neither did they open when I marched over there (in the best warriorette-style) and pressed the door bell. I want to move away. Either that or burn down their apartment - somehow I think me moving is more welcome by people.

Muchos lovos and such - I don't hate you.

My body is a temple.

Sometimes I wonder what it actually is I like about my job. The testing itself isn't very challenging (exceptions are made of course), mostly it's just repeating the process again and again. So why do I get up at 5:42am and don't dread another boring day at work? Well, because I work with H&H of course. (And a teeny bit because I know that next week I'll be able to sleep longer.)
Usually our discussions are a bit odd - these are a few from yesterday.

Discussion about food at dinner with the guys from the storage department:
Storage guy to H2: 'Aren't you gonna eat the cornichons?'
H2: 'No, that's bunnyfood.'
Storage guy: 'Ah, yes, of course, we can't eat their food.'
H2: 'No, because then they'll die.'
Me: 'What's so bad about that?'
H2: 'They have a right to live, hop around, be cute, do chicken races across the roads...'

Discussion after dinner about bananas:
Me: 'I've already taken the top - the best is there.'
H2: 'I've heard that everything fun goes on at the top... Apparently it's often white there as well...'

Weightdiscussion:
Me: 'I mean if you look at me you can see that I'm not made to weigh any more.'
H2: 'You're like an astronaut.'
Me: 'Astronaut? Aren't they suppose to weigh anything either?'
H2 shrugs questionally.
Me: 'You're making stuff up!'
H2: 'Yes.'

This morning - special discussion:
Me: 'H2 - peeps who read this are gonna think that you're a very special person...'
H2: 'But I am a very special person.'
H1: 'Yes you are, I think so too.'

If you ever wonder why I am the way that I am... you can stop right now.

Yesterday I fell asleep at 7pm... it was gooood...

Blue sky.

Hrm, I kinda forgot how it was when my brain and fingers took over my entries. I was suppose to write about the dangers about eating disorders yesterday and tell about pro-sites on the web, and I had it all nice and structured in my head. Ah well, Fate works in mysterious ways, I suppose.

People are weird. You can be friends with them for years and then all of a sudden it just doesn't work anymore. Everything that was great is just annoying and everything they say makes you want to kill them.
I wonder why it's so hard to cut of the people you used to call 'friends'. Why do you keep on living in the 'it used to be...'? And why does it usually take to long to realise that the people who once made you feel so good now make you feel so bad?

I should clean my life more often - it really is underestimated.

Why is "my, you're skinny!" okay when "my, you're fat!" isn't?

Anorexia.

Bulimia.

Extreme Dieting.

Pro Anorexia.

Pro Bulimia.

Starvation.

You read about it in the newspaper, you hear about it on the news, you know what it is. But do you actually understand it? Do you know what it's like to look in the mirror and not like what you see? To feel that you are "too fat" and "need to loose weight" even though you look like a walking skeleton to others?

Anorexia Nervosa is a mental illness caused by bad thoughts.

Bulimia Nervosa is a mental illness caused by bad thoughts.

Extreme Dieting is a fancier description of literally trying to kill yourself by preventing yourself from eating.

Ever felt an urge to run after you've been eating? What if you haven't been eating? Ever carried weights in your clothes to appear heavier if you weigh yourself? Hrm, you might want to check that...

How about throwing up? Ever done that on purpose? You know, with fingers, laxatives, ipecac? After a meal? Have a hard time keeping it down after eating? Feel that it's okay to binge-eat if you get it out of your system afterwards? Ouchie...

Ever looked at a cord and wondered if it's possible to scrape your throat with it? To get wounds in there would surely prevent you from eating! Or you could always eat cotton - that outta stop those feelings of hunger! (Just make sure you don't suffocate from them getting stuck in your throat.) You know, if worst comes to worst - there's always bloodletting. Who needs blood anyway, right?

Starvation as a mental illness isn't about looks. It's about feelings. Since your thoughts control you, you decide to control your intake of food. It's a shame you don't realise that the thoughts control that too. You don't control anything when you stop eating like that. The mental illness controls you. No matter where you go it will still control you so to quote someone - "friends in need are friends indeed". Think about it.

Bring it on!

Have I ever told you about my neighbours? No? Yeah? Make up your mind! Ah well, here it comes anyway.
A month or so ago the neighbours on one side started to play music quite loud. It's alright in the afternoon or on a Friday eve, but not at the evenings or nights. Anyway, to the point - the music in question is RnB and I kinda don't like that. I've asked them to turn it down once - got no responce what so ever, not sure if they heard (I stood on my balcony and they on theirs) or if they just ignored me. I also went over there once (it was midnight on a Sunday-Monday), completely furious and I clearly heard them in there. No one opened once I pressed the doorbell. The music stopped though.
The thing is - it was a really nice couple who lived there when I moved in about 6 months ago and I haven't seen anyone move either in nor out. I kinda wonder if they're illegal immigrants or something... Where was I? Oh right!
Today they started again and seeing as I've only slept three hours and are a bit... "easily annoyed" I decided that no, not today. (More the mental chain of "is that...? Yes, it is. *deep breath* I've had enough" and then some very ugly Swedish words, suppose they are like "now you motherfuckers!!!" or something.) So I decided to declare war... You know that kind of psychological war girls do best. I pulled out my yoga-rug (yes I know, it's green), turned my speakers towards their wall and put on Robbie Williams Live-dvd. 3 songs passed and then I stopped with the fake-yoga-workout-crap and turned it down. Hrm... wonder why the neighbours are all quiet...?

Conversation of the Day:
Me to one of my male co-workers completely out of the blue: "I look like a doll compared to you, I'm much shorter. Then again... you could be Ken... He doesn't have a dick either."

Same male co-worker to me in a later discussion: "Sex is a bit like fishing. Say I love fishing, then I want everyone else to understand how great it is." (Yeah I know - it didn't work out in his head either.)

Dirty angel.

When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

"Just what your worth"

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down on your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face and I...

Tears stream, down on your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face and I...

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Sometimes you almost believe it. The fairy tale. It's a shame the story-writers never tell you about what's gonna happen when the illusion shatters. The tears. The pain. The hate.

People call me negative but I kinda like my vision of being a 90-year old dried up woman living in a wooden cabin with a bunch of cats. I think I'd be able to pull of the whole "crazy cat-lady"-illusion rather well, don't you think?

Prisonthoughts.

May 7th 2003 I got the question if I saw myself as a person who had problem with authorities. The reason I got the question was because I said that I never had to live by any rules while living with my parents, and that I believed that people who grow up without rules are less tempted to break them. I still stand by that today. If you grow up somewhere where you have a specific bed-time, are not allowed to try things out and have to do this and that you'll be more tempted to try out the "forbidden".

This is one of the main reasons I never had a longing to go to China. There you're not allowed to do whatever you want - be careful what you say and what you do. People say that it's a beautiful country and I'm sure they're right, but I am me and knowing me, I'd probably say something I really shouldn't say. Then I'd end up in a Chinese jail where people touch me too much and too often and at the dawn I'd be shot.
I never felt a will to see the United States either really. Sure, there are monuments that'd be really cool to see, but I can't really say I actually WANT to see the country. (Except Alaska and Hawaii, but they're excluded.) That probably depends more on the people than on the country, but then again - it's the same with China. The people make it creepy.

I wonder if Sweden's gonna be the same once the FRA-law starts working. (FRA stands for Försvarets Radioanstalt which I suppose is similar to any kind of surveillance agency that is working "for nation's security".) The FRA-peeps want to read everything I send to someone outside of Sweden to see if anything in there is a threat to the nation. Okay... let me think... I critisise, I think, I tell people they suck, I think the goverment suck, I think the Swedish law-system sucks... The list goes on and on. Let's be reasonable here. Sweden is a country with about 9 million inhabitants. We don't have oil like Norway, our national resources are nothing compared to Finland, the Baltic countries are cheaper to hire, Germany is closer to the continent and Denmark is a lot flatter. So why would anything threat Sweden? Because the people are great? Because we don't have any poverty? Because crime is none-existant?

You know... maybe it's just me, but I really think people should have more cake. Hungry people ---> unhappy people ---> war ---> suffering ---> death. Cake ---> content people --- happiness. Happy people don't feel a need to stalk others.

Spidde - soon from a Swedish prison.

Jeez, this is only getting worse, haha.

You know... lately I've realised a bunch of stuff and seeing as I am the kind of person I am, I'm gonna make a list of it. (I know - but I just really love lists for some reason.)

• My life doesn't suck in terms of success. I have a job, I get paid, I have an apartment which I own and can afford and I don't have to go hungry.
• Fate is there, but it's not going to knock on my door and tell me what to do. That is up to me.
• I will never grow old in Sweden. (Not that that's anything new though.)

I love the bananapeel-effect. I've said it millions times before, but I really do love it. All the good things in life happen because of it.
To make a short example: If I hadn't applied for my job, I wouldn't have met my co-workers and now great friends and I would never have started playing WoW and met all those wonderful people. Not sure that's a good thing though... ;-) I could make that peel-effect much, much longer but I don't want to make too much confusion just yet.

Damnit, I really need to fix my old posts...