sugar and spice

I have quite a lot of movies where people get married. And yes, it's true - every girl has her wedding mapped out in her head years before she get married. (Yes, that does include me too, believe it or not.) Since at least June 6th 2003 I've known which kind of cake I want my guests to have. A big one as a show and then a tiny one for each table. So why the exact date? It was the date that a) my best friend graduated from high school and b) the national day of Sweden and c) 23 years since my grandmother passed away. (Mostly I remember it because of reason a.) I was at my best friend's with her family to celebrate and her mother showed me the cake they had. It was beautiful and it looked so tasty and then she told me "of course, you can't have a piece - it's for everyone else". She was joking, of course, but I know I said something along the lines of "oh well, at least I'll get to have a whole cake for myself at my wedding".

I've never been to a wedding. My cousin got married some years ago, but me and my sister weren't invited. "They don't want children at the wedding." We were in our late teens at the point. Of course, it did result in me hating my relatives and my relatives never getting a chance to taste my weddingcake. HA!

Hrm, this entry made me get the craving for whipped cream and fruit. Damnit.

codified knowledge

For Nazan:

Granpa Simpson:

Well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear.

It holds the answer to all the important questions.

In a weird way I'm looking forward to going up at 7:50am tomorrow. And at 7am on Saturday. Getting up early makes my head function, and at times I can even pretend to be really smart - bet you didn't see that one coming, now did you?

Vampire Diaries really sucks. I think I've seen four episodes by now and I'm still not sure what it's about. I'm not really interested either. So why watch? Well... the male lead doesn't look too shabby... Oh come on, don't pretend you're surprised. (As usual I still draw the line at Alfie - that movie's just mindnumbingly dull.)

Bloody Beliefs.

My friends think I'm whiny. My parents think I'm capable. To my sister I'm a safe haven. To myself I'm a failure.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be.

Sometimes I wish I was a weaker person. Someone who would just tie the rope to the hook in the ceiling and just make the noose. It'd be so nice to just not care about anything anymore.

Believing in fate really sucks. "If it happens, it happens." The only way I'll kill myself is if I trip and fall really badly. Or if the train I'm on crash. Or if I get hit by a car. You get the point.

I'm like one of the fifteen year-old emo-kids now. No wonder my friends prefer not to speak to me. Can't say I blame them.

glue

Eye infection. Freaking fantastic.

butterscotch

I just walked home from the bus and every step I was afraid of getting attacked and raped. I'm not afraid of getting abused with violence or murdered, but I'm afraid of getting raped. It's kinda sick when a woman can't even walk in the dark without being afraid. I actually prefer to walk on a street that's competely dark, instead of one that has one light here, one light in ten yards and so on. And you know why? Because you see everything in that spot of light. Everything. And nothing just a few metres away. As opposed to when it's all dark.
Just to clarify things - I've never been attacked in any way - well, unless you count the guy who smacked my ass on June 6th 2003 when we were at a club. The closest thing I've ever come to being abused sexually was when my boyfriend wanted to have sex after a week of being an official couple. I said no, obviously, and he said "well, it's a first time for everyone at some point". It didn't really win his cause and he broke up with me three months later. (According to him it wasn't because of the sex-thing. Yea, right.)

Anyway, Sweden is suppose to be one of the most equal countries in the world. The people who say that ought to think of the lone woman late at night.

tear me down, build me up

Another day close to tears and another night of dog-dreaming. I don't think it's pms. I think this is how I am when I'm close to a nervous breakdown. Yesterday I realised my exam is on Monday, and not Tuesday as I thought, which gives me one less day to study on. Shouldn't be a problem right? I should've read it all by now anyway. And I have. It's just that I seriously can't answer the question...
You know, I checked the old exam again and guess what - I know the questions! OH MY GOD this is such a relief! Never, ever do things when you're tired. Oh this feels so good.

crazy

I'm always on the verge of crying lately. Yesterday when I was about to go to bed I almost started crying because I missed my dog. Then I dreamed about a mummy and got scared shitless and then I woke up and was about to cry some more because I missed my dog again. I'm not really sad and I don't think I have pms.
Maybe the exams that I must pass, the neighbour being a jerkwad and the weather makes me this way. Or maybe not.

New hottie on my list: Jason Statham. Oh. My. God.

"Bubbles, bubbles, my bubbles!"

At the moment I'm studying for an exam in "consumerism, identity and communication" and it's very interesting. Old stuff like the Simpsons' episode Grift of the Magi (where a company takes over Springfield Elementary School and uses the children to bring forth new products) and the Futurama episode A Fishful of Dollars (where a company advertises in people's dreams) become brand new and I see them in a completely different light. It's really creepy that advertising can take over like this.

Oh, a Simpsons' episode I haven't seen a hundred times! Yay!

"Great news, everyone!"

I got a call from our board-guy yesterday on my way in to the Rammstein-concert. He asked me if I am afraid of my neighbour. I said no. And you know what? I'm not. I'm so past afraid that if I'd meet him in a dark alley I'd kill him and throw his body to live hyenas. Okay, so we don't have any live hyenas here, but you get the point, right?
Anyway, the boardguy had to ask since it might become a legal issue. I'm loving this.

My sister's ex-boyfriend wants her to pay rent for three months. I think he's a bit of an idiot. Apparently he's on steroids aswell - that sure does explain his strange temper. My mother told my sister not to give him anything and I'd love for him to try and force her. As stated before there is one person in the world I'd kill for and take my punishment with pride - that's my sister.

Rammstein yesterday was... well it was Rammstein, I suppose, but it felt like something was missing. The feeling I got from them wasn't as extreme as I'd hoped for. Nevertheless - they were still good and now I can cross them off my list.

droplets in the ocean

My first action in the morning lately seems to be swallowing an aspirin and hoping for my headache to disappear. Happened yesterday and the day before that so today I figured that maybe I should try something else. At the moment I have my balconydoor open to let fresh air in, I have a glass of cold water and porridge with raisins here beside me and hopefully it'll be enough to shoo the headache away.
My mom used to tell me this story about how the son of one of her friends got to bed with headache one night, took an aspirin and then never woke up again. His headache had been a sign of cerebral hemorrhage. Of course I was terrified that the same thing would happen to me. I can't really remember when I stopped being afraid - maybe it was just the fate-thing; if it happens, it happens.

I'm trying to figure out why exactly I have a headache since I can usually pinpoint the reason, but it's hard. I got it yesterday and I know I ate and drank enough. My neighbour wasn't at home so it was relatively quiet and I can't say that I felt a lack of oxygen in here. Maybe it's due to the fact that I have two exams next week that I must pass if I wanna continue. Or that my sister is considering getting a three-room-apartment with me again. Or maybe I'm just having delayed pms - I did have stomache ache two days ago.

Hrm, my headache seems to dampen. Maybe it was a lack of food and drink anyway.

starfuckers

Four hours of travelling for a meeting which'll last 15 minutes. Useful? I hope so. Motivating? Well, not really. But at least it got me up and it's a beautiful weather outside.

"Kisses and cuddles. Thank you. Get used to it."

Dreams. I really dislike them - they ruin my sleep. I don't care what all the scientists say, I sleep like shit when I dream. Allow me to share. I dreamt that I was at a hotel with about 52 floors. For some reason I was at floor number 5 and was suppose to get to floor number 3 so I took the elevator. (I'd never do that normally - I usually take the stairs to sustain the illusion of me being fit.) There were three elevators so I stepped into the middle one. Apparently this elevator went to floor number 8, 10, 52, 5 and another number I can't remember. Not 3 though. I found it a bit odd, but just when I was about to get out it started moving. Oh well, maybe the guy who took it last time pressed the buttons. It first went down, then up. And up. And up. I don't normally panic in an elevator, but it was very close there. The elevator went up really really fast and then it got stuck between two floors. Somehow the doors opened about 40cms, and I could crawl out.

You know, according to Freud, walking in stairs in dreams means that you're having sex. Is this suppose to have been the fuck of my life then? Because in that case I really want a refund - it wasn't that good.

cracking up

The Swedovision-thing was better than it usually is. The song that came last still had a good sound even though the lyrics and performance was utter rubbish. This Saturday is part 2 of le competition and it's here at my place. Fascinating, fascinating - please do go on. Nah, I think it's good enough there.

Cousin It is coming back again. It's a shame that he's always the strongest when it's cold and winter and windy. Right now I have about 20cms of hair pulled together in some form of ponytail at the top of my head. That's a lot of hair. I have issues.

This consumption course I'm on now is quite interesting. The last time I studied extra was last summer for the terrorism-course. Maybe this is a good thing. Time will show, I suppose.

I haven't had breakfast. That's really not a good thing. I'm a bit of an idiot sometimes, but yes, this means I can still tell you that you're an idiot for not eating. Why? Because my breakfast is sort of in the making (I've taken the bread from the freezer).

excellent

I was bored yesterday so I called my best friend and asked if she wanted to do something with me in the evening. We ended up renting The Reader - for some reason she didn't wanna watch Gerard Butler in any movie even though I sort of begged her and the movie with Jeffrey Dean Morgan (for me) and Colin Firth (for her) was on our "maybe"-list. So we settled for the movie that Kate Winslet got her Oscar for. (When she's a guest on Extras she says that if you wanna be sure to win an Oscar - make something about the Holocaust.) It was a really good movie. Sure, there were a few scenes I didn't watch due to being a complete mental nutcase, but I liked the other scenes. It was creepy - got under my skin. I can really recommend it.
Afterwards I told my friend that we had to watch a comedy to make sure I didn't get insane. We ended up watching Disney's Tarzan. I haven't seen that one in ages even though I have it myself. There's something about all those Phil Collins-songs that just gets to me every time. Blasted Belgian Bastard.

Swedish Eurovision tonight. I hate that they split the contest over several weeks, always say that "I'm not gonna watch it next year" and always end up looking at my friends with a hurt expression (or well, vacant might be more like it) whenever they remind me that it is and did I have plans? I know, I'm a horrible fan because I never know when the Swedish part is. If I hadn't been told yesterday then I wouldn't have known today. Anyway, friends and fun and horrible songs - can a Saturday evening be any better? I think not!

vomit

I just saw Super Size Me. That movie, together with the book Fast Food Nation, really doesn't flatter the US very much. I mean, sure people are fat here in Europe aswell, but I think Americans are fatter than the standard European. All that extra stuff. I mean, 0,5 litres of Ben&Jerry's last me a week - probably more. For the standard American it's like an afternoon snack. (That was, of course, before I stopped eating Ben&Jerry's due to one of their sister-companies doing animal testing. Yes, I'm one of those. Deal with it.)
In Super Size Me, the person behind the experiment, Morgan, shows the various sizes of cups you can get for your soda. The biggest one is close to 2 litres. 2 whole fucking litres! That lasts me and two friends a whole evening together with a movie. 2 litres of soda together with an abnormly large meal. No wonder people are fat. And then they sue the fast food-restaurants. For getting fat. Sure, I get that the restaurants market their food as "healthy" even though it's not and sure, that alone is a reason to sue them, but come on. You don't have to eat there. No one's forcing you. That little voice in your head is an addiction and addictions can be defeated. I mean, I'd love some liqorice and chocolate right now (because I always want that when the orchestra is visiting), but I'm not getting that. Instead I sit here with an apple and a glass of water. Sure, it's not nearly as nice as a piece of liqorice, but I know that I'll feel better without the sweets. I feel better without fast food aswell, even though my way of cooking really isn't ideal.
More people really should see that movie. I wish I had when it was new.

My sister's gotten a tattoo. She had one that she made in Cyprus in 2006 (Aya Napa is in Cyprus, isn't it?) and it's a tiny star and I suppose that's alright. Not what I would've made, but then again - I'd never get a tattoo in the first place. Now she's gotten flowers and stuff on the side of her stomache. Not just a few. She showed me a picture and it looks like they're covering her side from the breast down to the hip. I love my sister. Truly. But why in the world would anyone do that? Maybe I'm just old-fashioned; "nature created you" and all that - but... but why?

monkey lover

"You know, I've been thinking... When I read about people having sex it's always 'he saw how her skin was milky white and she felt like a blossom ready bloom' and all that. Seriously, if they actually think while they're having sex it really can't be that good."

The snow melted away yesterday so, obviously, it has to snow more today. People seem surprised. No matter how often I tell them that "February is our coldest month and it will snow then".

Personally, I'm all for the snow, it makes this shit-hole a prettier place.

bite me

Fate is mocking me. It has to be.
I went up in time this morning. Or well, "in time" would've been 7am, eat breakfast and have time to wake up. Now I went up at 7:40am and it was more force than will. At 7:58, just as I'm about to walk out my door, I get a visit from the orchestra. Lovely. It's not like they've had a whole weekend to get here. Just wonderful.

"Purple spot for sale! I need to buy my purple spots. Buy the purple spots, buy them all. No one else have any."/Sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com