The rest is silence.

I can't speak. Or well, I can but my voice disappears if I try to speak a lot. It's rather annoying since I like to talk. Or sing. Or yell. Now I don't do any of those things - not singing along to the music in a movie or shouting with the song I'm listening to. Of course, I know that's it's better for my throat to stay silent and rest it... but I wanna talk! And sing! And shout!

napalm

This night I was sure that I was coughing up blood. I didn't check though. It was just that one specific... cough-session that felt... terrifying.
That really is the worst thing about coughing - it ruins your sleep. I mean, when you're awake it's a minor disturbance, but when you're sleeping it wakes you up and forces you to focus.

I got dizzy when I walked out into my kitchen just now. Not very dizzy, but enough to make me grab the fridge to stay up. Although my apetite is back so I suppose I'm getting a lot better.

elements

The fever is gone now. The fire and ice aren't bugging me.

My exam is tomorrow. I'm gonna fail. Fail because I simply haven't studied enough. I can blame being sick, but that still isn't an excuse. I should know it. I should care.

The cough is still with me. It's there to get rid of slime, but there's no slime to destroy. It's a dry cough and it hurts my throat. A deep breath triggers it so I don't take any.

Failure... it's not the end of the world. Why does it feel like that?

faint

My skin is on fire. When I woke up this morning - about four hours ago - it was like being burnt. The only relief was my cold hands on my warm face. It was only the skin that was burning though - my blood felt like ice. Goosebumps all over my body and even though I got a second winter-cover it didn't stop. I drifted in and out of consciousness and when I woke up the second time I realised what people mean with "feverish dreams". I remember calling my best friend to tell her that the buildings outside my apartment was rushing past my window. I remember telling her that I was now sitting down on my couch because I wouldn't be able to stand up without fainting. And I remember her telling me that she couldn't understand a word I was saying. I repeated and once again I got the same answer. I found that I had trouble making the words come out the way they should so I told her I'd write her over msn instead. This didn't happen. It was a dream, an illusion, but it seemed real enough. As did the dream with me, her and another one of our friends, being caught in a cage with a giant dinosaur waiting for us outside. Why anyone would have a dinosaur in their apartment didn't really occur to me at that time. In a few hours I probably won't even be sure if I wrote this or not.
My skin is ice now, but my blood is fire. My hands are warm and I still have goosebumps. It took me quite a lot of strength to actually move and do all those mundane things - going to the loo, getting something to eat and drink and actually move. When I made my tea I sat down on my kitchen floor - just because if I had gone back to the couch and the covers I would probably have fallen into unconsciousness again. Do you know what the worst part here is though? I got a test on Thursday and I really need to study, but it's a bit hard to focus when you want to stand in fire and throw yourself into an icebath. A friend of mine would tell me not to worry, that I should just focus on getting better and that I'll have plenty of time to worry after since I will anyway. He'd probably be right. Not that there's much time to worry when my blood and skin constantly switch sides.

delusional

I've got a fever. Or "running a temperature" if you prefer that one. (Personally I don't really get the difference, but I'm sure someone will explain it to me soon enough.)
It started yesterday evening with me coughing and being really REALLY cold and then my hands got numb (I wasn't really too surprised - they do that from time to time due to bad blood circulation). When I went to sleep I was practically shaking below my cover. And my cover's one of those really thick, wintry ones. At then I was sure it was just because I was really tired - you know how it is, right? The body goes into energy-saving-mode and you just wanna sleep. (Why didn't I? Oh well, World of Warcraft was way too much fun at that point.) Anyway... when I woke up this morning my whole body was in pain - I wasn't cold anymore though so I went on to think that "h o o r a y ! I got a cold coming". It's a bit weird though, because in my case it's always tickling in the throat ---> sneezing ---> headaches, bodypain, tired for no reason---> having to blow my nose ---> coughing. So this morning I got the tip to check my temperature - at times like these I'm so glad I've stocked up so I have a mini-pharmacy at home. (No fever at that point though.) My headache got worse and worse so I decided to go to bed and try and sleep it off. (That's what I do - no pills, sleep it off. Yes, it's stupid.) It didn't work, I woke up about 15 minutes ago, full of feverish dreams and decided to take that darn pill. I gulped it down with water. That's when I realised that I had a fever anyway. The water tasted sweet. Sickly sweet, like a disgusting juice. Once again I grabbed my thermometer and checked and yes, I have a fever. I don't think I've had a fever in at least ten years. Might've been more - might've been a bit less. Wow... My biggest problem now is that I don't have stuff at home to do pancakes (I always want that when I feel like shit and don't eat) - but the applejuice next to me is really nice.

"I saw a star fall. It was me."

Every now and then I find myself feeling very nostalgic. Like tonight, when I walked home from the bus and gazed up at the sky only to find it covered with stars. I haven't seen the stars in a long time and actually really looked at them. It reminded me of when me and my best friend used to run two or three times every week. We usually ran a few kilometres down to the beach, went out on one of the jetties, lied down and just listened to the sound of the waves clucking against the stoneshore. It's very relaxing to watch the stars while you're hearing that and occasionally we saw a star fall. I miss that. The whole experience of it. The talking, the clucking, the stars... A part of me even misses the running even though god knows I'm not made to run.

bear with me on this one

My right bigtoe has freckles. Can a toe have freckles? There's a part of me that tells me "no, it's just the hairsacks", but I'm not really convinced. It does look an awful lot like freckles to me.

It was sunny outside when I woke up this morning. I didn't really believe it at first - I haven't seen the sun here properly for at least three weeks. It's strange how fast you seem to forget what a cloudfree sky looks like. I can't get enough of the view.

"A pause to increase efficiency." That's what one of my class-mates in high school told our teacher when he was taking a day off. I found it really weird back then, but now I use it myself quite a lot. The word, I mean. Although it sounds much more fun in Swedish; "effektivitetspaus". So today I decided to take one - I'm breaking a deal I made with a friend of mine, but that's something I have to live with.
So why take a "pause"? Well, I kinda got an idea for that fantasybook. I'm not actually sure it'll work or not, but I have to find out and since it's driving me crazy I figured I'd think while I study. I know, this doesn't really make sense, but oh well.

rush

I used to think I was drowning

without any will to stay up

It's hard when you only see darkness

and the first ray of sun does no good

I'm trying real hard to be happy

and see the good things in life

like a breeze or a freshly sprung flower

or that one lonely star late at night

But it's hard to go on pretending

that you're always feeling alright

and keep on smiling to people

when your eyes are looking away

So give in to all those emotions

just don't bottle them up

'cause you'll end up dying in silence

and before you know it's too late

Open up for your feelings

feel them take over

and if you feel like you're drowning

fight and keep swimming

and learn to welcome the day

circusfreak

Present:
I'm gonna do something that I almost never do. Write two completely different entries in one - usually I just write to different entries, but I won't this time. I don't know why, but they just need to be together even if they're not.

I can braid my hair. That's not really good - it means it's gotten too long again. Why does this always happen in the winter?

Past:

Februarty 18th 2008

Since I can't speak without starting to cry, I thought I should write it down in a mail. It's against every rule in every woman's magazine there is, but I don't care. If I can't tell you, then you'll never know, right?

I love you more than I have ever loved anyone ever before. This feeling of warmth and safety and happiness still overwhelmes me at times with its intensity. It's just that the distance between us makes me miss you so much more and it makes it so much harder to show you how much I love you.

I know you love me too, and I know you miss me too. I really do. But we don't speak as much as we used to and then my stupid thoughts get into the head... "he doesn't love you anymore", "he doesn't want to spend time with you", "you're an idiot because you can't see the hints". I fear this more than anything, but in a way it's still better to know than walking around and wondering what I'm doing wrong.

I just had to get this out of my head - it keeps going around in a loop in there. I love you very much and I want to spend my life with you - wake up next to you, comfort you when you're sad, share your happiness. If I have to wait ten years for that to happen, I will. That's how much I love you.

And if this scares you away then I'm sorry - but it's still nice to have it said. :-)

A nice, honest e-mail sent to the person who broke me. This is what I got back:

I have read your mail several times now to make sure that i understood everything correct...

First of all, you haven't done ANYTHING wrong, absolutely nothing !!!! I know i have been taking more distance from you the last few weeks but i sometimes just HAVE to :( In the months that have passed since november you have been littlerly in my head every second i was awake ! And how ever wonderfull that is (and it is !!!!) for me that isnt something that i can keep up. Not because i dont love you anymore, because i do, but because my life here has been standing still ever since we met. Going to work was a waist of time ever since msn got blocked here, playing badminton was a waist of time because i couldnt be with you online if i did that, going out in the weekend with friends was a waist of time because we couldnt play together if i did, ... All i ever did was think about you and finding ways to be with you, to hear you or to see you... at any cost !! That just wasnt healthy Anna :((

I know you are full of doubts at the moment and i know you feel depressed, and i am very sorry i make you feel like this :( I have promised you once that i would ALWAYS be honest with you and i still stand by that ! The feelings i have for you are NOT gone !! I just try to control them better... The feeling of loosing every control of your own feelings and emotions has both been amazing but scary too. I am not used to that.

Another reason why i have been acting weird lately is because i dont feel very euh... happy lately myself and i didnt want to take that out on you since it has nothing to do with you. Soo much has happened in my life over the last year and when i reflect on that i get depressed. I have been struggling with this for a longer time but it comes and goes (and now is definitely a commer :)) I know that it will be better in a while, it always does, but i can tell you i'm not the nicest company when i feel down.

After Berlin i have been feeling physically sick of missing you... I basically stopped living for a week and just felt this hurt in my stomach and this missing feeling in my heart. It was then that i realized i had to do something... And it's that fear that i still have when we talk about meeting again. I want to see you, because everytime we meet its amazing!! But i dont want this empty feeling i have afterwards...

Anna, i really want to make this very clear : I still love you !! I still think about you and miss you a lot. But i cant let those feelings control EVERYTHING i do, i just cant ! It makes me feel insecure and totally dependant on you and i am scared to death of loosing control :(

I will call you later today

Big kiss

So why am I putting this here? Well, mostly because I want to show myself that I wasn't a naïve, stupid moron and for once I can actually read this without feeling sad for the girl who felt numb and dead. It feels good.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Present:

American Psycho is really a psycho-movie. Apparently Christian Bale got the inspiration for his character from Tom Cruise's real persona - I can totally see that. After having seen Tom Cruise jump up and down on Oprah Winfrey's couch (who hasn't?) I can absolutely see the insanity that lives within his skull. Christian Bale is still hot though and those nude-scenes really is a proper pick-me-up on a gloomy day lick this - yum! (I know, I'm so easily satisfied.) By the way - if you haven't seen American Psycho yet, I really suggest that you do. I almost dare to promise you that it'll make you feel normal!

Twilight is not the best movie in the world. The plot is easy enough - girl meets boy and falls in love. Cute, innocent and adorable. Robert Pattinson though... This normally goes against my principles - younger guys are off limit - but I'm so making an exception for him. In my defence - I did have a crush on him before I saw him in Twilight - he's cute in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire aswell. Anyway, this - let's just call it "love" to make it easy - love for him has made me watch Twilight four times since last Friday. Three of those were the day before yesterday and yesterday. I think I'm sick. GOD, it feels good!

(I also bought the first book on Tuesday this week, bought the second one yesterday as a precaution and finished the first one yesterday. I spent four hours reading it and still - it's not that great. I suppose that's the reason it's so captivating - that it's not written to be extraordinary.)

the correct form of spam

Everything sucks,

so let's get the big bucks.

Let's get away,

from all that is grey.

Let's go somewhere bright,

with just some more light,

and be happy and gay,

if just for one day.

That unpublished fantasy novel is trying so hard to get out of my brain and onto a piece of paper, and yet I can't reach it. I have a million ideas for books, but not a single one of them is related to fantasy. I can get out a bunch of silly poems, but not the things I want. God, it's annoying!

I'll scream and shout,

and let it all out,

and you'll hear it there,

and maybe that's fair,

since you really did make me pout.

wake up, honey

Failure hurts. It's painful, horrifying and the ultimate proof that I'm not as good as I thought I was. I don't see myself as a person who fails. I'm perfect. I can't fail.

Success is never final.

Failure is never fatal.

It is courage that counts.

/Winston Churchill

Time to do this. Time to pull myself together and show myself that I am flawless yet again. That everything I do oozes perfection. Time to make it happen for real.

Burn baby, burn!

I am amazing with words. I really am. It's a gift someone in the creational process felt that I deserved. Unfortunately sometimes I tend to use the words against myself. Like when I make up excuses not to do things. I'm really good with those too. That's not a gift though, that's a curse and once you start it's very hard to stop. "I don't want to" becomes "I don't have to because I can do it this way instead" and once you start believing that you actually can, you'll have major problems going back.
I've had a motivational problem for quite some time now and I've been telling myself that I don't have to go to the lectures because I can just read the same thing out of the book. The thing here isn't that I can't do that - because I actually can - it's that I don't do it. Between you and me I actually didn't have an idea about why until just a few hours ago. Winter depression. I get that every year and it starts when it begins to get dark early. I can't believe I didn't recognise the signs - suppose it came too gradually (usually it just hits me in the face). So now that I know why I feel like shit for no reason I'm gonna treat it like I always do - trying to get as much out of the day as possible and enjoying the darkness with tea and candles and such. You see, my problem with the winter isn't that it's cold, it's that I get very tired as soon as it gets dark outside. (And yes, that was another excuse for being lazy and lacking self-discipline.) More light to the people!

/Anna: your torch in the cave

Ps: "Protective hand salve" (or however that's spelled) is "skyddande handsalva" in Swedish and "suojaava käsisalva" in Finnish. How can Finland be a part of the Northern countries? That's just really silly.

zombie

Okay, I can't do all-nighters anymore. I went to sleep at 7am and woke up 20 minutes ago. Again. Once again I've fucked up a whole day. If anyone has some self-discipline then please send it my way. I really think I could use it because apparently - I don't have any!

"Nothing more to say"

I went up at 4pm yesterday and since that sort of screwed up my normal rhytm I'm taking an "all-nighter" to get back on track. This means I'm not sleeping until tonight and it also means that I'm actually ruining my body - I can feel itself shutting down. Ah, so many memories from when I worked nightshifts. How I do not miss it.

Hrm, nothing more to write... how useless.

A tribute to the arts.

I gotta feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night

That tonight's gonna be a good night

That tonight's gonna be a good, good night

There are some things that really are better to watch on TV than in real life. Football and curling are some. I can't even count how many times I've watched curling and I don't even like it. You just get sucked in and then you can't stop watching, because somewhere deep down inside you just wished that you had something you were that good at.

Tonight's the night, let's live it up

I got my money, let's spend it up

Go out and smash it like oh my God

Jump off that sofa, let's get, get off

This weekend I watched a match of darts. You know those things you throw at a big round circle with red and white and black and numbers? We had one of those at home when I was a kid, but mostly we just threw the arrows at it, hoping to hit the middle. These days me and my best friend throw some sort of "clock" when we're out and bored. 1, 2 and then 3 and 4 and so on. The loser buys the winner a drink. It's not really complicated and late on a Friday or Saturday night one can't really expect too much, but it is a danger to anyone close to the dartsboard so we usually warn people before we start. Real darts however... that's something completely different. Not only are these guys really good (as in really, really good), but there's nothing at all involving any kind of clock and the "bullseye" won't give you the best score possible. Each team starts with 501 points and then it's about getting rid of as many points as possible as fast as possible. (Or well, at least before the other team.) There are four regular players on a team and I think each team has a back-up, but I'm not really sure. Each game consists of sets - six sets for every setup used once or twice depending on setup. The setups are 1v1, 2v2 and 4v4 and I'm not completely clear over how that worked - who does what - but at least they seemed to be and I suppose that's all that matters. It wasn't the most fun I've ever done in my life - I prefer to do things rather than to watch others do them - but it was interesting. To get a grip of something that's always just been a board with some cloth on it and arrows that are supposed to hit the middle was fun.

Fill up my cup, mozoltov

Look at her dancing, just take it off

Let's paint the town, we'll shut it down

Let's burn the roof, and then we'll do it again

When I flew down to the Netherlands I had a really pleasant flight. I arrived just in time for the boarding (so fine, I could've been there a bit earlier, but as least I made it) and the guy sitting next to me on the plane was quite nice so the start was rather pleasant. Not that it's unpleasant usually, but this time it wasn't dull.
I was hoping that my flight home would be the same. It's a shame that this world isn't built on my hopes and dreams. My plane was delayed and so was everybody else's. Apparently it gets that way if another airport in the country is closed and the traffic has to be redirected. In this case it was Rotterdam Airport and all the planes had to go to and from Schiphol (it's confirmed - none-Dutchies say [shiphol] instead of [skip'ol]) which lead to a huge delay for everyone. I flew with Norweigan Airlines and even though I know that this is hardly their fault, it's still the second time I've flewn with them and the second time I've been delayed. It was hard to find something positive there, but I managed - you see, most of the people in the Netherlands are taller than 170cm. Being 164,5cm I'm considered short and after this weekend - I understand that. Anyway, at the airport there were people from Spain and Italy and I'm taller than a lot of these people and if their planes hadn't been delayed I would just have felt like a midget in a world of giants. It still wasn't fun to have a two-hour-delay, but oh well.

I gotta feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night

That tonight's gonna be a good night

That tonight's gonna be a good, good night

"We'll always have Paris."

My sister got dumped by her boyfriend. They got together when I got together with my boyfriend and that was five years ago. I got dumped after three months (you've all heard the story), but these guys... Nothing could tear them apart. It was rather annoying actually, but my sister was happy so I tried to be happy for her. (I wasn't always, but I tried to.) A few years ago they got an apartment and moved in together. The apartment was ugly as shit and no matter how many times you call brown "coffee latte" it's still the same colour as the stuff you squeeze out at the loo. A year or so later they moved and their new apartment had all the potential in the world, but mostly just looked like a mess. When I went there I couldn't see my sister anywhere except in the overfull closet. Weird, isn't it?
Anyway, now he's dumped her and she doesn't seem too upset so I suppose it's a good thing. However... he wouldn't let her in to get her stuff. He threatened my mother when she went to get the key to the apartment and yesterday when my sister, once again, tried to get her things, she found them just inside the entrance door to the apartment complex. Are all of her things there? No. Will he let her in to get the rest? Probably not. Am I telling my family to bring a police officer? Yes.

So why am I telling you all this? Well, I have to get it out of my system. You see, there are quite a few people in this world that I'm willing to die for - if you've ever wondered why I don't have many friends this is the reason, sacrificing your life for half the population would be a bit annoying (mostly since I really like my life). When people hurt my friends I tend to get a bit angry (even if the hurting one is myself). There is, however, one person I'd do anything in the world for and that person is my sister. If I had to spend several years in jail because something happened to her ex-boyfriend then I would do it. So that's the reason I'm sharing with you - to stop myself from doing something stupid.

I'm going to the Netherlands tomorrow. At the moment I don't really look forward to it. Then again - at the moment I don't really look forward to anything. I'm sure it'll be better once I've eaten, taken a shower, done my laundry, cleaned up a bit, studied for a while and then fixed my sink. After all, I really do love airports, I'm really fond of the Netherlands and I know I'll have a great time.

"I guess size does matter after all."

I just woke up. Or well - 20 minutes ago. At 14:46pm. This isn't good, I have to stop fucking up my body like this and I really hate sleeping.

"Another year - gone!"

/Albus Dumbledore

25... I don't really feel different. I don't feel older, smarter, better-looking... I just feel like me. Maybe that's a good thing. I suppose I ought to be a bit scared if I woke up and found myself looking at a face in the mirror that I didn't know.

You know, every year I do this. A list of my failures during the year - the things I didn't accomplish this year either. I'm not gonna do that now - there's no need to depress myself. Instead I'm gonna go the other way - found out what I want to do for a living, left my job to start studies and that's about it. Wow... my life suc... is rather interesting!

How many times can one person put the word "make-up" in a sentence?

What about friendship
What about friends
You said the whole world
was against you
And it all had to end

I don't use make-up, so the strangest thing about tonight's masquerade wasn't to be someone different - it was to wear make-up. I'm not made for make-up, I look like a complete alien - but I suppose that next to a baby, an alien and a santa I didn't look too weird. Of course, I'm not really sure what I actually was, but my fake bruises did the trick (several times I found myself thinking "Oh SHIT! What'd I do there?!"). It's a shame I kinda forgot to invite one of my friends, but since I'll probably meet him tomorrow I hope he doesn't mind. I'm such a horrible friend, haha.

What about love

What about family

What about all that

You have to live for