My body is a temple.

Sometimes I wonder what it actually is I like about my job. The testing itself isn't very challenging (exceptions are made of course), mostly it's just repeating the process again and again. So why do I get up at 5:42am and don't dread another boring day at work? Well, because I work with H&H of course. (And a teeny bit because I know that next week I'll be able to sleep longer.)
Usually our discussions are a bit odd - these are a few from yesterday.

Discussion about food at dinner with the guys from the storage department:
Storage guy to H2: 'Aren't you gonna eat the cornichons?'
H2: 'No, that's bunnyfood.'
Storage guy: 'Ah, yes, of course, we can't eat their food.'
H2: 'No, because then they'll die.'
Me: 'What's so bad about that?'
H2: 'They have a right to live, hop around, be cute, do chicken races across the roads...'

Discussion after dinner about bananas:
Me: 'I've already taken the top - the best is there.'
H2: 'I've heard that everything fun goes on at the top... Apparently it's often white there as well...'

Weightdiscussion:
Me: 'I mean if you look at me you can see that I'm not made to weigh any more.'
H2: 'You're like an astronaut.'
Me: 'Astronaut? Aren't they suppose to weigh anything either?'
H2 shrugs questionally.
Me: 'You're making stuff up!'
H2: 'Yes.'

This morning - special discussion:
Me: 'H2 - peeps who read this are gonna think that you're a very special person...'
H2: 'But I am a very special person.'
H1: 'Yes you are, I think so too.'

If you ever wonder why I am the way that I am... you can stop right now.

Yesterday I fell asleep at 7pm... it was gooood...

Blue sky.

Hrm, I kinda forgot how it was when my brain and fingers took over my entries. I was suppose to write about the dangers about eating disorders yesterday and tell about pro-sites on the web, and I had it all nice and structured in my head. Ah well, Fate works in mysterious ways, I suppose.

People are weird. You can be friends with them for years and then all of a sudden it just doesn't work anymore. Everything that was great is just annoying and everything they say makes you want to kill them.
I wonder why it's so hard to cut of the people you used to call 'friends'. Why do you keep on living in the 'it used to be...'? And why does it usually take to long to realise that the people who once made you feel so good now make you feel so bad?

I should clean my life more often - it really is underestimated.

Why is "my, you're skinny!" okay when "my, you're fat!" isn't?

Anorexia.

Bulimia.

Extreme Dieting.

Pro Anorexia.

Pro Bulimia.

Starvation.

You read about it in the newspaper, you hear about it on the news, you know what it is. But do you actually understand it? Do you know what it's like to look in the mirror and not like what you see? To feel that you are "too fat" and "need to loose weight" even though you look like a walking skeleton to others?

Anorexia Nervosa is a mental illness caused by bad thoughts.

Bulimia Nervosa is a mental illness caused by bad thoughts.

Extreme Dieting is a fancier description of literally trying to kill yourself by preventing yourself from eating.

Ever felt an urge to run after you've been eating? What if you haven't been eating? Ever carried weights in your clothes to appear heavier if you weigh yourself? Hrm, you might want to check that...

How about throwing up? Ever done that on purpose? You know, with fingers, laxatives, ipecac? After a meal? Have a hard time keeping it down after eating? Feel that it's okay to binge-eat if you get it out of your system afterwards? Ouchie...

Ever looked at a cord and wondered if it's possible to scrape your throat with it? To get wounds in there would surely prevent you from eating! Or you could always eat cotton - that outta stop those feelings of hunger! (Just make sure you don't suffocate from them getting stuck in your throat.) You know, if worst comes to worst - there's always bloodletting. Who needs blood anyway, right?

Starvation as a mental illness isn't about looks. It's about feelings. Since your thoughts control you, you decide to control your intake of food. It's a shame you don't realise that the thoughts control that too. You don't control anything when you stop eating like that. The mental illness controls you. No matter where you go it will still control you so to quote someone - "friends in need are friends indeed". Think about it.

Bring it on!

Have I ever told you about my neighbours? No? Yeah? Make up your mind! Ah well, here it comes anyway.
A month or so ago the neighbours on one side started to play music quite loud. It's alright in the afternoon or on a Friday eve, but not at the evenings or nights. Anyway, to the point - the music in question is RnB and I kinda don't like that. I've asked them to turn it down once - got no responce what so ever, not sure if they heard (I stood on my balcony and they on theirs) or if they just ignored me. I also went over there once (it was midnight on a Sunday-Monday), completely furious and I clearly heard them in there. No one opened once I pressed the doorbell. The music stopped though.
The thing is - it was a really nice couple who lived there when I moved in about 6 months ago and I haven't seen anyone move either in nor out. I kinda wonder if they're illegal immigrants or something... Where was I? Oh right!
Today they started again and seeing as I've only slept three hours and are a bit... "easily annoyed" I decided that no, not today. (More the mental chain of "is that...? Yes, it is. *deep breath* I've had enough" and then some very ugly Swedish words, suppose they are like "now you motherfuckers!!!" or something.) So I decided to declare war... You know that kind of psychological war girls do best. I pulled out my yoga-rug (yes I know, it's green), turned my speakers towards their wall and put on Robbie Williams Live-dvd. 3 songs passed and then I stopped with the fake-yoga-workout-crap and turned it down. Hrm... wonder why the neighbours are all quiet...?

Conversation of the Day:
Me to one of my male co-workers completely out of the blue: "I look like a doll compared to you, I'm much shorter. Then again... you could be Ken... He doesn't have a dick either."

Same male co-worker to me in a later discussion: "Sex is a bit like fishing. Say I love fishing, then I want everyone else to understand how great it is." (Yeah I know - it didn't work out in his head either.)

Dirty angel.

When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

"Just what your worth"

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down on your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face and I...

Tears stream, down on your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face and I...

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Sometimes you almost believe it. The fairy tale. It's a shame the story-writers never tell you about what's gonna happen when the illusion shatters. The tears. The pain. The hate.

People call me negative but I kinda like my vision of being a 90-year old dried up woman living in a wooden cabin with a bunch of cats. I think I'd be able to pull of the whole "crazy cat-lady"-illusion rather well, don't you think?

Prisonthoughts.

May 7th 2003 I got the question if I saw myself as a person who had problem with authorities. The reason I got the question was because I said that I never had to live by any rules while living with my parents, and that I believed that people who grow up without rules are less tempted to break them. I still stand by that today. If you grow up somewhere where you have a specific bed-time, are not allowed to try things out and have to do this and that you'll be more tempted to try out the "forbidden".

This is one of the main reasons I never had a longing to go to China. There you're not allowed to do whatever you want - be careful what you say and what you do. People say that it's a beautiful country and I'm sure they're right, but I am me and knowing me, I'd probably say something I really shouldn't say. Then I'd end up in a Chinese jail where people touch me too much and too often and at the dawn I'd be shot.
I never felt a will to see the United States either really. Sure, there are monuments that'd be really cool to see, but I can't really say I actually WANT to see the country. (Except Alaska and Hawaii, but they're excluded.) That probably depends more on the people than on the country, but then again - it's the same with China. The people make it creepy.

I wonder if Sweden's gonna be the same once the FRA-law starts working. (FRA stands for Försvarets Radioanstalt which I suppose is similar to any kind of surveillance agency that is working "for nation's security".) The FRA-peeps want to read everything I send to someone outside of Sweden to see if anything in there is a threat to the nation. Okay... let me think... I critisise, I think, I tell people they suck, I think the goverment suck, I think the Swedish law-system sucks... The list goes on and on. Let's be reasonable here. Sweden is a country with about 9 million inhabitants. We don't have oil like Norway, our national resources are nothing compared to Finland, the Baltic countries are cheaper to hire, Germany is closer to the continent and Denmark is a lot flatter. So why would anything threat Sweden? Because the people are great? Because we don't have any poverty? Because crime is none-existant?

You know... maybe it's just me, but I really think people should have more cake. Hungry people ---> unhappy people ---> war ---> suffering ---> death. Cake ---> content people --- happiness. Happy people don't feel a need to stalk others.

Spidde - soon from a Swedish prison.

Jeez, this is only getting worse, haha.

You know... lately I've realised a bunch of stuff and seeing as I am the kind of person I am, I'm gonna make a list of it. (I know - but I just really love lists for some reason.)

• My life doesn't suck in terms of success. I have a job, I get paid, I have an apartment which I own and can afford and I don't have to go hungry.
• Fate is there, but it's not going to knock on my door and tell me what to do. That is up to me.
• I will never grow old in Sweden. (Not that that's anything new though.)

I love the bananapeel-effect. I've said it millions times before, but I really do love it. All the good things in life happen because of it.
To make a short example: If I hadn't applied for my job, I wouldn't have met my co-workers and now great friends and I would never have started playing WoW and met all those wonderful people. Not sure that's a good thing though... ;-) I could make that peel-effect much, much longer but I don't want to make too much confusion just yet.

Damnit, I really need to fix my old posts...