before I go to sleep

I cut my hair today. With scissors. By myself. Because I had purple paint in it. I've never cut my hair like that before. It wasn't much and it's not noticable, but still - fucking annoying.

I just got a packet of cleaning wipes thrown in my face. The left side feels a bit numb.

I have to finish my packing (= starting) and I still don't know what to wear.

I hope my plane doesn't get delayed.

I'm really looking forward to going to Holland again, meeting a bunch of crazy people and just not be here.

The winner takes it all.

When I was a kid I found Swedish history really fascinating. I knew all the Swedish kings and queens, knew all the important dates and I understood the glory of Sweden. I understood what a great kingdom it is and always has been and even though many have tried to invade - few have succeeded. I knew all this when I was a kid.
What I didn't know was that the Danish king that is called "Christan the Tyrant" in Sweden wasn't really worse than any other king. I grew up reading about the horrors the Danes committed on the Swedes and for reasons I didn't really know, I grew up disliking the Danes.
It's first in my later years when I've digged into the history that I've realised I'm living on occupied soil. That the people called "snapphanar" weren't out to terrorise Swedish villages, but farmers made into soldiers who defended their homes from being wrecked by the Swedish army. I didn't know that the University of Lund was built to make Scania Swedish. I didn't know that the army that burned homes, killed men and raped women did it to "breede out the Danes". I know that this is how things goes in every war everywhere, but it's a different thing when you realise that it's happened where you live. You look at war in another way when you're a child and don't see it first hand - the mental image is more of the rivalry you're having with your siblings over the last piece of dessert than of people bleeding to death.

Scania was "won" from the Danes and a peace treaty was signed in Denmark February 26th 1658. That's 351 years ago this year. You know, I've been reading Swedish articles about Scania and the history of Scania and nothing is mentioned about the horrors or oppression the Scanian people had to deal with. Then I read onto a Danish article and found that everything Danish (language, traditions etc.) were forbidden until 1857 and that Swedish schoolchildren didn't learn anything about this until the 1990's. Scanian people was mocked for the way they speak and are still very much disliked - Scanian is usually always voted to be the most ugly Swedish dialect.

I've always loved our flag though. The Scanian flag is red with a yellow cross - the Swedish is blue with a yellow cross. Many theories exist over why our flag looks that way it does - the most common being that it's the red in the Danish flag (red with a white cross) and the yellow from the Swedish flag. I've heard another reason though, that I find much more fascinating. Scania is known for its many rapeseed-fields. Everywhere you go you can see these yellow squares. The theory is that the yellow symbolizes a big rapeseed-field and the red is all the blood that's floated on the fields.
A former friend of mine from Belgium once told me that he couldn't understand my love for the colours of the Scanian flag and that the Swedish one was much more beautiful. Looking at both flags and only watching the colours and nothing else, I can understand his opinion. Strong red and strong yellow isn't the best match and blue and yellow does go much better together. Of course, for me, I can't see the flags this way and it's very very hard to even try. The Scanian flag is much closer to my heart than the Swedish ever will be and even though I cheer for Sweden in every major championship I dislike the flag they wave. That's not my flag.

The winner really does write history...

wind blows

Every now and then I surprise myself quite a lot. Like when I realise that I recognise people I haven't seen in years. Or when I manage to be quiet for more than two minutes. (That amazes everyone else aswell.) Not to mention when I remember things I've said five years ago - that's just sick.

You know, I had actually managed to forget what a hell it was to get books to courses at the university. Last time I cursed and swore and yelled was in 2005 - you repress a lot in four years' time apparently. That time it was English literature history and this time it's religious fundamentalism. I had to order books from England to make sure I can get them in time. FROM ENGLAND! And I live in Sweden. Swedish online bookstores sucks. At least I managed to remember that you can't trust a store if they order it for you - always something. But placing an order and then recieving a mail half a week later saying that the book isn't available because it's all out doesn't really brighten the mood. The fact that these books are ridiciously overpriced here doesn't help out either.
Anyway, enough whining - I'm only boring myself - I have the all the books I need ordered. Hopefully they'll arrive in time (that being about 1½ week) and then I can start reading them and getting straight A's (even though it doesn't work like that anymore). I'd forgetten how much I've missed that aswell - acing a test. I'm just sick.

We spoke about Band of Brothers right before quitting-time today. I've been thinking about watching that, but have never really gotten around to it - mostly because it's the Second World War and I am the way I am. So today I asked H1 if I could borrow it from him and he said yes. Then he mentioned that it's very gruesome - especially the parts with the concentration camps. I didn't borrow it. It's quite strange actually, because I can watch the Siberian camps and the Japanese camps, but I can't watch the European ones. Probably because it's closer. Because I've been to those countries. Because it could've happened here. Probably. Hrm, I've never really thought about it this way to be honest. And I can read and watch everything else about the Second World War - just not those camps. I wonder why that is. Oh well, if I wanna know something about them and the nazis I'll just ask my best friend. That's one of her special subjects. (Mine is the war in the Pacific in case you wondered.) Because as she says "I think you're being silly, but as long as I know that you're not in denial, then it's alright that you're silly."

whimp

You know that thing I mentioned about the movies? Yeah, you can just ignore the remark of me being a wuss in the past. I'm a wuss now aswell. Yesterday we (me and H&H) watched Red Sands, one of the most B:ish layouts of a movie ever, but it haunts me. Of course, that might have something to do with me being paranoid when dark comes and afraid of ghosts - not to mention the incredibly vivid imagination. I went to be at 11:ish pm and pulled my cover over my head and then I think I must've fallen asleep because I woke up and I was all warm and sweaty due to my cover being on of those winter-covers filled with feathers. That didn't stop me from being terrified though. Silly movie.

A tribute to the Bay!

The Rock was on TV yesterday. I don't know if you've seen it, but it's got Nicholas Cage in the roll of a sciencegeek, Sean Connery as a convict and Ed Harris as some sort of hardboiled armyguy. Yes, I know - sounds like a hit, doesn't it? I watched about 15 mins and then I must've switched the channel or something, because I can't remember watching the ending. Of course, I already know how it ends. I've seen it before. Once. When it was new - about 1997 here in Sweden. So that's about 12 years ago. I was 12 then and it gave me nightmares. Of course. Because everything gave me nightmares at that time. Looking at it now I can't for the love of god understand how I could feel bad watching it. Seriously, Sean Connery as a convict - sure, I can take it. Nicholas Cage as a sciencegeek - maybe, if I'm drunk - but Ed Harris as a hardboiled badguy... yesterday, that just wasn't convincing. And maybe I got it wrong - maybe he belonged to the good guys, but to be honest, I think I was too bored to find out. I think I'm a bit more snobby now when it comes to movies than I was 12 years ago and a part of me is actually afraid that if I had seen The Dark Crystal (still has the record for shortest watching ever - 17 mins) I would actually have liked it. Probably because it was "dolls woooo".

boredom

Sometimes I really think that my issues are the most important ones in the world. That as soon as I stop, the world stop. I wonder if that's why I keep being everywhere and doing everything - at least mentally - every now and then. To keep my world from stopping. It could of course also be that I don't want to slow down because that'd bore me. I'll find out soon enough, I suppose.

I'm going abroad next week! All the way down to Holland and I'm really looking forward to it. Haven't been outside this country in seven months so the old itch is starting to get to me. My biggest issue is still which clothes to wear - but as long as it's only that I don't really mind. When I start having problems with getting food, I'll start whining properly.

Sorry for the boredom of this entry - just wanted to share my joy of going abroad again.

too much

When is enough enough? What makes the student take up the weapon and shoot other students? When does the world's fattest person stop eating? When have the abused wife had enough? When does the mistress realise that she's living a lie?
When have they had enough? When do people realise that they can't take anymore and do something about it?

In my case it was when I realised that the lie I told myself wasn't convincing anymore.

...and the winner is...

Norway won. I wouldn't have guessed. Honestly, I wouldn't've. Until, of course, the voting started and they got points from every country. After the first three countries had casted their's I still thought 'well, we have another 39 countries to go - it can still change'. I thought the same when ten countries had voted. When 20 countries had said their opinion I started to doubt, but still had hope. When Norway had a lead of 100 points I stopped hoping. They won with 387 points to Iceland's 218. That's not even funny to watch. (I did anyway, of course, but still. We haven't seen that since uhm... Finland won with Lordi in 2007.

They changed the voting system this year - "to end neighbour-votes" and I have to say that it did help quite a lot. Of course - we still gave out 12 points to Norway, but I think that's more because Swedes like a hobbit at a circus than because it was Norway.
Don't get me wrong here - I did like the song quite a lot - to my friends' horror - but I want a competition. They could just've skipped the whole voting and just given us the results.

Anyway, congratulations Norway - haven't seen you win since 1995 when Secret Garden won with Nocturne. I don't remember that. I suppose I was too young then - ten and a half really isn't old enough to remember such important things. The horrifying thing here is that I've heard that song many many times and I love it every time, but I had no idea it was a Eurovision-song. I really shouldn't call myself fanatic.

Eau de Grais

• My left leg hurts, but there's no bruise to confirm that I walked into something.
• The Gibbs Brothers really shouldn't sing about being a ladies' man falsetto. Something about that it just not convincing.
• I still haven't got the two latest Depeche Mode-cds. I have to fix that so I can scream along with all the other fans on the 30th of June.
• What should I wear on the 31st of May? Skirt or dress, skirt or dress, skirt or dress?
• My left leg is about 25% bigger than my right leg. I must've walked into something.
• The smell of newly-baked buns is amazing. The only smell that beats it is that of freshly cut grass. Give me that on a bottle and I'll be forever yours.
• I'm damaged. Yesterday I wore brown and purple and it worked. My job is ruining my sense of clothing.
• HotShots2 is from 1993. I knew that. By looking at the clothes the women wore. This is getting stupid.

/Grais =>gräs => grass

Ehm?

Thoughts in my head every other week:

05:40am) ?

05:40:01) What is that sound?

05:40:03) *turns off the alarm*

05:40:05)

05:40:07) I love mornings!

Pourqoui?

Why do I get proud when I check my grades from high school? It's been 5 years since I graduated - why do I still care?

The Grim Reaper.

Translation of yesterday's Swedish gueststarring:

Tuesday January 24th 2006 8:19pm

Right now I have a fucking pain in my mouth, a damn craving for chocolate and my brain has a total meltdown. The first is because I went to the dentist earlier today, discovered a hole, fixed said hole and now I sit here and bleed from the gum and it hurts! I can do something about the second, but since I assume that I got the hole in my tooth because I keep cramming a lot of candy I thought I'd skip the chocolate. Besides, it doesn't feel all that funny to cram a lot of sweets when you just visited the dentist. Regarding the meltdown I don't really know why it came, but for some reason I can't even get a simple mathematical problem right and it annoys me so damn much that I don't really know what to do. (I hate it when I have to admit that I can't do it.) The positive side is that I can take the business economy tomorrow, that I can ask about the physics on the lesson tomorrow and that the new season of Desperate Housewives starts in 45 minutes. That's another thing that bothers me. I bought season 1 in England and now I thought about investing in season 2 from the States. The problem is then that you need a regionfree dvd so my parents bought me a dvd. When I asked if it was regionfree they said 'no, but you can fix that yourself' and then handed me a note with the address www.vcdhelp.com so of course I entered the site and thought 'here goes nothing'. Yes... Do i Have to mention that I sat there for ten minutes, cursed like a brush-binder* and went into my room and ate Brio*? No, I didn't think so either.

My Brio finished yesterday, so now there're only peppermint rocks left in the "box". The problem with not wanting to eat candy is that you don't want to eat the eight peppermint rocks that are left. Rock anyone?

/I'd love to do it, but the planets aren't in a phase right now.

* Curse like a brush-binder - old Swedish expression that means cursing very very much.

* Brio - Swedish candy in funny colours.

I dreamt that I was going to ride my bike around the world. Me and a friend made plans for it and all. We were going to go down to Africa, then cycle from the north down to South Africa and then cycle from there to Australia. Now remember, this was a dream so riding the bike on water was perfectly alright. And it was perfectly alright until this very minute when I realised that the perfect plan had a few flaws - dying on a bike in the water... I honestly have to say that I did not see that coming.

This dream did stir some old thoughts though - I do want to ride my bike down to the continent, but no one wants to do it with me and even though I see myself as terrifying, I kinda doubt that the horny truckdriver does at 3am at night.

That's my new goal by the way; to become terrifying. Now, I know that it won't ever happen since I'm 1,65mts and weigh about 50kgs so I made a plan B.

Plan B: To become so respected people will be afraid to let me down.

Between you and me, it's not going that well, but I won't give up hope!

Okay, I need something to eat - this is getting stupid.

memories...

Sugar. I keep eating sugar and I can't help wonder if I'll one day ruin my most precious smile. People tell me that "why do you worry - you're not fat", like being over-weight would be the only reason to stop cramming sweet stuff.
Anyway... I found the entry I wrote when I decided to stop the first time - I should write more in Swedish.

Tis 24 jan 2006 20:19
Just nu har jag jävligt ont i käften, är förbannat sugen på choklad och har fått total härdsmälta i hjärnan. Det förstnämnda beror på att jag var hos tandläkaren innan idag, upptäckte ett hål, lagade nämnda hål och nu sitter jag här och blöder från tandköttet och det gör ont! Det andra kan jag göra någonting åt, men eftersom jag antar att jag har fått hålet i tanden av att jag hela tiden tuggar i mig massa godis så tänkte jag att jag ska skita i chokladet. Dessutom känns det inte helt kul att kränga en massa godis när man precis har vart hos tandläkaren. Vad härdsmältan beträffar vet jag inte riktigt varför den kom, men av någon anledning så kan jag nu inte ens få rätt på en enkel impulsuträkning och det retar mig nåt så förbannat att jag inte riktigt vet vad jag ska göra. (Jag avskyr att behöva erkänna att jag inte kan.) Den positiva sidan är att jag kan ta företagsekonomin imorgon, att jag kan fråga om fysiken på morgondagens lektion och att den nya säsongen av "desperate housewives" börjar om 45 minuter. Det är för övrigt en annan sak som stör mig. Jag köpte säsong 1 i England och nu tänkte jag investera i säsong 2 från the Staterna. Problemet är då att man måste ha en regionsfri dvd så mina föräldrar köpte en dvd. När jag frågade om den var regionsfri sa de "nä, men det kan man fixa själv" och gav mig en lapp med adressen www.vcdhelp.com så givetvis gick jag in på sajten och tänkte att "nu, jävlar". Ja... Behöver jag nämna att jag satt i tio minuter, svor som en borstbindare och gick in på mitt rum och åt brio? Nä, jag trodde inte det heller.

Mina brio tog slut igår, så nu finns det bara polkagrisar kvar i "lådan". Problemet med att inte vilja äta godis är att man inte vill äta de åtta polkagrisar som är kvar. Gris någon?

/"Jag skulle gärna göra det, men planeterna är inte i fas just nu."

floating

Have you ever had a headache? The hard kind? The sort that just doesn't want to let go no matter what you do? Ever had a migraine? That soft pounding in the back of your head that just won't leave you alone? That grows and makes your eye-sight falter? Ever felt that? I have. You stop being a normal person and just want to lie down and close your eyes. It comes and goes - although lately I seem to have more headaches than usual. I'm not sure I like it.

I think I've started something I can't stop and if truth be told, I'm not actually sure I want to stop it. Maybe I should, maybe it would be for the best. Then again, I won't loose anything if I don't. At least I hope I won't.

The ultimate nerdiness. I've crossed that line before. Quite a few times actually. But this time... I ordered a book a while ago... Signed by the author, numbered, limited edition... A wow-lore-book. Yes, I've crossed the line before... but I doubt I'll ever make it back this time, because you see - I float away from reality and am not really mentally present anymore...

bottled up

I'm a day behind. I'm very well aware of the fact that it's Tuesday, but the date... I don't know why, but I was so certain it was the 6th of May today. Sometimes I wonder how I actually manage to get through a day - not because I hate it or anything, but because I'm so darn confused that I sometimes don't know where I am or what I do. It does have some good sides though - since I always amaze myself.

baby be brave

You know, I've been thinking. What is it that makes a look from one man okay when another is not okay? Does it depends on the man, the situation or the woman?

In my case a look from a hot guy my own age is totally okay, while a look from a man who's old enough to be my father isn't. A look from a less-hot guy my own age is less alright, but still not as wrong as the old man.
Then again, if Brad Pitt would give me one of those looks I wouldn't mind that he's old enough to be my father... So what's the difference? I suppose it comes down to the woman. What she feels is appropriate, what mood she's in and how much she appreciates the looks of the man who glances her way.

A glance from a man I see as "hot" makes me very happy, but a glance from a less-hot guy still makes me happy, so I suppose it all comes down to being noticed. It's nice to be noticed. Although sometimes you wish the father-figures could just notice their own kids instead. And I think I just ruined this entry there...

terrified to fail

I have a bruise on my right arm, by the wrist, and no idea where it comes from. It kinda hurts when I press it and it's brown, but I don't have the faintest idea why it's there.

Gorgeous. Amazing. Lovely. Great. That's what they all saw when they looked at me. Why didn't I see it?

I got accepted to my summercourse. Hooray!