walking in my shoes

I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. Like I'm the only smart person in a world of stupidity.

I know it's not true and I know that I feel this way only because I'm so insanely tired that I hardly know my own name, but still... sometimes the dumbness of other people really amazes me.

healthy memories

I'm having pineapple&orangejuice. I've only had that once this year. Before that it was probably ten years ago and that was in Spain. My family used to have a house there (well more apartment, but free apartment with a garden - kinda strange) so we spent about a month every summer in that lovely warm, beautiful country. I was really sad when they sold it and I haven't been to Spain since - think that was about six or seven years ago. Maybe I should go there this summer. See how much it's changed.
Or maybe I'll just stay in Sweden. Our summers are somewhat special; they usually always contain quite alot of rain - and if it doesn't rain then the temperature tends to rise to above 30 degrees. Not too bad, I suppose.

I don't really know what I want to write here, but I think the fact that a friend of mine is going south for a week triggered some lost longing inside my head. Maybe I'll just kidnap my sister - she's always up for that.

Save the rain forest!

I have an insane amount of hair. It's just stupid. I outta shave it all off.

bring it on

My right big toe hurts like hell. You know when the nail...? Yeah, no need to go into details, but I'm suspecting that I'll soon be physically challenged because of it. It just hurts so bad.

Every now and then people insult me. Most of them mean no harm when they do, but sometimes I wonder if they just don't think at all when they speak. Like the time a friend told me that I "demand attention". She explained it with something like "if you enter a room you make people speak to you". I didn't know that. I don't even like people.
Or when I heard that my friend thought I would run away and hide if we would get attacked. I wonder what kind of image I actually present to people.
The latest insult, however, actually cut me deeper. And I don't even think it was meant as one, but the person who uttered it certainly knew that it took. I'm reading a book and he asked me how it was. My answer to him was "brilliant" and he replied "ah so that means 'alright'". I know that we probably don't have the same taste in books, but for him to reply like that... It made me feel dumb. Like I'm an ignorant person who just doesn't know better.

And people wonder why I hate men...

dream on

I went to visit my parents last Saturday. I don't usually do that, but I was in a good mood and it turned out to be quite a good day. As I walked in their house, the house I've spent little over 21 years in and called 'home', I felt out of place. It felt smaller than it used to. I'm still the same size as I was when I moved out last year, my parents are still the same size and the house sure hasn't changed its size. Still... it felt slightly too small for me. Maybe I've just grown so much mentally by moving out that I just don't fit in there anymore... (Not that I want to fit in there.)

Women don't like me. They see my body and they see my smile and they decide that I'm something they don't like. But they don't know.
People think I'm silly for not drinking. For thinking that alcohol is just another drug. But they don't know.
I've heard that I'm ridiculous because I don't like the concept of birthday presents. But they don't know.
I don't know.
No one really knows.

priorities

If I get to keep my job I will do the following things:

1. Buy tickets to Roskilde.
2. Frame the cemetary photoes.
3. Repaint my kitchen.

I'm gonna do them in this order and I would really like to know if I get to keep my fucking job or not. Fucking suitpeople. (English is not the best language to curse on.)

cursed

"You'll have to finish this. It poured down into my underwear."

I deserved it. I know that most women who use this line don't deserve it, but I really did.

Welcome to the Quality Control. In between paints we like to mess with each other and today H2 poured water down my back. Not a big deal really to be honest, I've had worse, but I just don't like being wet. And I don't like having to walk around in my cardigan under my workrobe when the temperature is near the melting point.

In the summer of 2006 I got a bucket of water (five litres) turned upside down over me when I was sitting by the computer. This wasn't as bad, but I can kinda feel that bucket coming slowly towards me. God knows I do deserve it. And God knows that vengeance is sweet and juicy.

slightly mad

I'm down to my last roll of toilet paper. It wouldn't be such a big deal if I didn't remember the last time I bought some. April 27th 2008. It was a Sunday, in case you'd forgot. I think the sun was shining outside and I think I bought Chocolat aswell. It was also the day I officially told that cowardly man who couldn't be honest with me that I was tired of being his whore. I remember that my best friend came over, spent the day with me and then went home. And I remember crying myself to sleep, only to find out that the crying kept me from sleeping. That was the first day I spoke with someone for most of a night.
I fell asleep at some point, went up to a morning shift and I read about Elizabeth Fritzl. I remember feeling like someone had pushed their hand into my chest and pulled out my intestines and I still thought "wow, my life could be so much worse". My boss yelled at me that day - for sleeping at my lunchtime.

Funny, how you can trigger something just by realising you're running out of toilet paper...

overkill

The bookstore was closed and I did die a bit inside when I realised that the Warcraft novels are rather hard to find in normal bookstores.

I did buy a really nice dress though. And a book about Mount Everest, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.

Is it over now?

Something has happened to me. I'm not sure if it's acceptance or what, but something has definitely happened. Yesterday a guy stopped me on the street to ask me if I was single. (I thought he asked me if I was the bed, which in Swedish isn't really close to single but he spoke quite quiet.) I quickly answered no and he said it was a shame because I was the most beautiful thing he'd seen. Sounds like a bad movie, doesn't it? Then we have the guy who couldn't flirt with me because I was too good-looking and out of his league. And then of course the guy who told me that I had a very nice skirt the last time I was out and played pool. (A complete stranger actually walked up to me to tell me that my skirt was very nice.)
What's wrong with people?! It's probably that fucking love for spring that makes people act this way.

I woke up at 9:22am. I think this deserves celebration since I'm known for sleeping until late afternoon (not intentionally of course, I hate sleeping - but if you're tired, you're tired). It's because of the sun. I have morning sun and if I keep sleeping I'd die from roasting. Of course I could pull the blinds, but I kinda like sunshine.

My sister told me yesterday that she'd 'call and wake me' today. We're gonna go shopping. Well, I am anyway - my Warcraft novel has been finished for a few weeks now and I'm having major abstinense. Since I'm quite nice when out shopping, my sister never says no to follow me around into bookstore after bookstore. I'm fairly sure she dies a bit inside when she sighs heavily, but so far she hasn't actually complained. I just hope that my sci-fi-bookstore is open today. Otherwise I'm gonna die a bit inside.

Long Friday.

Good Friday. Pain, suffering, sin and one man cleansing it while dying on the cross. A common man who became a symbol for millions of people and a common death tool that now shows religious belief.

People don't know this. They seriously don't. When I went to high school I was amazed over how badly people actually knew the holidays. As long as they're free from school they didn't really care, I suppose. I used to get asked "but you're an atheist - why do you know that" and answered "I want to make sure that I know what I'm denying". (I got an A in religion, of course - I take my denying seriously.)

I woke up crying. At 7:47 am. I'm not sure if it's Fate's idea of a joke or not, but this Good Friday I woke up feeling sad. Long live Jesùs and all.

'You know, people used to worship nature gods.'

'Thank god we pulled ourselves together 2000 years ago
and worship a dead carpenter.'

Bart & Lisa Simpson

The way of the sword.

Wanted:

People who can take insults.

People who can take having rocks thrown at them.

People who can take being shot at.

People who can take being puked at.

People who can take being instantly disliked.

People who can take not having a personal opinion.

People who can take being payed minimum wage.

If this sounds like something for you - then please apply to the Police.

Almost everyone I know wants to be a police officer. When I ask them why they tell me that "I've always wanted that". Really? I've known you all my life and I didn't know that.

Of course, maybe it's just me. I never really understood why people would freely put themselves in danger. (Fine, so the whole extreme sports-thing is a bit dangerous too - but you get my point.) I wonder if they see the shows on TV and think "I wanna be like them". Well, bad news for you; it's not like that. First you have the education which you, hopefully, will get into. Then you have the shit-work (directing traffic and telling drunks that maybe they've had enough) and then you might climb. If you're good. Or you might break yourself because you actually don't know what you're getting yourself into.

I once looked into a police car. I'm fairly sure it was when I went to kindergarden and what I saw scared the crap out of me. You have the car with the sirens and a semi-normal front seat. Then you have the backseat which you can cover if someone is bleeding and of course the bars to keep the people in the back. (I somehow have the feeling that I looked into an ambulance at about the same point and got terrified from that one too.) To keep people away from you. People who are fairly pissed at you because you put them there.

Of course the thought of being a police officer has crossed my mind aswell at those times when I was desperate and had no idea what the hell I wanted to do with my life. Since this is Sweden, I know I'd get into the education if I applied. Sweden is nice like that, you know. They want more women so they will take more women even if men are better. Let's be serious here. You have me applying - I'm about 1,65mts and I weigh about 50kgs - and you have a guy who's 1,85 and weigh about 80 kgs. We both do equal at the tests except the running since women have one minute more to make it, but there's only one spot left. Who will they take? Me, of course. Is there any chance in hell that I'll be able to take down someone? Not bloody likely unless the criminal is a ten-year-old boy.

I have enough insight into myself to realise that I'd never make it as a police officer. And I kinda love my life too much to even consider it. More people should think like me. I think the world would be a much better place if they did.

panic

I just realised I forgot to pay my rent this month. 3 days late now, but at least it's payed. (I hope they don't notice.)

hurricane

I never got up at 5am yesterday to take a shower. Didn't even set the alarm - just went to bed and thought "if I'm meant to go up that early I will wake up that early". Turns out it wasn't meant to be.

We have a big thing going on here in Sweden now. Glass in the food. Yes, you read it correctly. A month or so ago glass started appearing in frozen chicken. First just one brand, but it's now several. Glass has also been reported in sausage, fish and now microwave-cooking-food. All sealed. So far no glass has appeared in lettuce, tomatoes, fruits or anything like that. Makes you think...

Imagine the most annoying people you know. Put them in a cube. There you have the whole plot of Cube from 1997. A "must see"-movie. Yeah... No doubt a highly interesting study in how the human mind works, and, being me, of course I loved that aspect of it, but the people there... Seriously - if I had known them I would've put them in that darn cube myself.

Wonderful, brilliant, lovable sun! Amazing weather here today and just seeing a blue sky makes my temper go from "not too bad" to "wooooo!". One man told me it was just "spring feelings" - I differed, seeing as I really hate the spring, and told him that I just love it when the sky is blue or the sun shine. Winter or summer doesn't matter - just give me light!

I'm still gasping over those photos. Wow.

mythology

A friend took some photos of me yesterday. In black and white. At a cemetary. They are... amazing.

I wonder if I'll have enough energy to go up at 5am tomorrow and take a shower... Probably not...