Messy thoughts...

When do you know for sure if you're in love? People say "when you are, then you'll know", but still... How can you be really sure? Is it the joy you feel everytime you see the person? The thrill you experience every time you meet? The sadness that fills you every time you part? Or is it something completely different? The safe, warm feeling that no matter how shitty life it, you won't have to go through it alone? That, when the day is over, someone will be there waiting for you? Or is it all of this? Mixed up to a messy ball rolling around in your head. The happiness, sorrow, anger, pain, dizzyness, sillyness and all those other emotions that all flood you.

I've heard people saying that "there's no greater feeling than love" and I might have to agree on that. I just wish I didn't have to.

*sigh*

You know that feeling of despair, sadness and deafeat that sometimes creep slowly up on you? I think I have that feeling. Or at least a part of it. You wake up in the morning and instead of feeling "yes, a new wonderful day!", you feel "if I pull this cover over my head then I can sleep the day away because I don't want to face it". Instead of sun shining outside you see clouds gathering and even if the wind blows - you don't really feel it on your face. People are too loud, too annoying and have too many problems for you to really care. Because you don't care about anything. Not even yourself. Apathy. Apathy for yourself, your fellow people, the world, everything. Live or die? What's the difference since you're not mentally present anyway? You wake up, have your breakfast, go to work, go home and go to bed. Every day. And then you start wondering what the point of it all is? Instead of seeing the joy of a silly joke or a stupid article, you find yourself thinking "what I am doing? Why is my life like this? It used to be..." and then you make yourself feel bad. When you start to think about how it used to be. Things cease to be for a reason - but when you're having a mental breakdown you don't realise that. The world stops spinning for you, but for everyone else it's still a wonderful place.
Yes, that feeling of despair, sadness and defeat is a terrible feeling. But I really do think that it will get better. Things will always work themselves out. Maybe not to the solution you wanted, and maybe not as fast as you wanted, but they will. I believe that. Because I have to. And to be honest... I do feel a bit better already. :-)